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conflict resolution Donald Trump hate respect

Trump and the Nature of Hate

Welcome to From Insults to Respect. 

One day I was watching Donald Trump’s first news conference since he became president. There, the remarks that I found most interesting had to do with his expressed outrage about how hateful the press has been toward him. The first time it came up, he was asked the following question by a reporter:

“I just want to get you to clarify this very important point. Can you say definitively that nobody on your campaign had any contacts with the Russians during the campaign? And on the leaks, is it fake news or are these real leaks?”

Here’s the Trump’s reply:

“Well, the leaks are real. You’re the one that wrote about them and reported them, I mean the leaks are real. You know what they said, you saw it and the leaks are absolutely real. The news is fake because so much of the news is fake. So one thing that I felt it was very important to do — and I hope we can correct it. Because there’s nobody I have more respect for — well, maybe a little bit but the reporters, good reporters.

“It’s very important to me and especially in this position. It’s very important. I don’t mind bad stories. I can handle a bad story better than anybody as long as it’s true and, you know, over a course of time, I’ll make mistakes and you’ll write badly and I’m OK with that. But I’m not OK when it is fake. I mean, I watch CNN, it’s so much anger and hatred and just the hatred.”
The hate issue came up a few minutes later when a reporter asked:
“And if I may follow up on that, just something that Jonathan Karl was asking you about. You said that the leaks are real, but the news is fake. I guess I don’t understand. It seems that there’s a disconnect there. If the information coming from those leaks is real, then how can the stories be fake?”
Trump begins to look exasperated, and then replies:

“The reporting is fake. Look, look… You know what it is? Here’s the thing. The public isn’t — you know, they read newspapers, they see television, they watch. They don’t know if it’s true or false because they’re not involved. I’m involved. I’ve been involved with this stuff all my life. But I’m involved. So I know when you’re telling the truth or when you’re not. I just see many, many untruthful things.
“And I’ll tell you what else I see. I see tone. You know the word “tone.” The tone is such hatred. I’m really not a bad person, by the way. No, but the tone is such — I do get good ratings, you have to admit that — the tone is such hatred.
 
“I watched this morning a couple of the networks. And I have to say, Fox & Friends in the morning, they’re very honorable people. They’re very — not because they’re good, because they hit me also when I do something wrong. But they have the most honest morning show. That’s all I can say. It’s the most honest.
 
“But the tone, Jim. If you look — the hatred. The, I mean, sometimes — sometimes somebody gets… Well, you look at your show that goes on at 10 o’clock in the evening. You just take a look at that show. That is a constant hit. The panel is almost always exclusive anti-Trump. The good news is he doesn’t have good ratings. But the panel is almost exclusive anti-Trump. And the hatred and venom coming from his mouth; the hatred coming from other people on your network.”
Now, the reason I found these remarks from Trump so interesting is that throughout his campaign seeking the presidency, his tone, along with his very words, were filled with hatred and venom toward the press and many other individuals and groups as well. At each of his rallies, he regularly pointed to where the media had gathered and cried out things like, “There’s the press standing over there. Don’t we just hate the media, they are such liars!” Then when the crowd would start getting riled up, and throwing things at the press, he cheered them on. More recently, he has taken to calling the press the enemy of the people using a tone of voice that is pretty far from flattery.

If any of you saw the last debate between him and Secretary Clinton, you will no doubt recall how he called her evil in a tone that mustered as much venom as anyone that I’ve personally seen. At moments he has backed off some of his most hateful rhetoric, but more often he has regularly returned to it.

At the news conference I’ve been discussing, he stated, in what struck me as a hateful tone,

“We’ve been negotiating a lot of different transactions to save money on contracts that were terrible, including airplane contracts that were out of control and late and terrible; just absolutely catastrophic in terms of what was happening.”
Now, there were a great deal of people involved in negotiating these contracts and many individuals are currently working hard to do right by them, but Trump threw out this blanket statement. These types of comments are modeling for all to see, hateful rhetoric.

I could well understand why Trump would want the people and the press to treat him, rather then hatefully, respectfully. But if this is true and he therefore wants to encourage people of the press, and others to use respectful tones and language, perhaps he would be wise to start modeling what this looks like when he himself communicates.

A great model to consider as an alternative to Trump’s style is that of John F. Kennedy’s. Over the whole of his presidency, Kennedy averaged a 70.1 percent approval rating, comfortably the highest of any post-World War II president. By comparison, the average for all presidents between 1938 and 2012 is 54 percent. Trump, last I looked, was at about 40 percent.

Lyndon Johnson

In 1960, both Senator Kennedy and Senator Lyndon Johnson were seeking the Democratic presidential nomination. At the convention, with both side by side, Johnson criticized Kennedy for missing some important senate meetings because he was on the road campaigning. Kennedy replied,

“I, uh, found it extremely beneficial serving in the Senate with Senator Johnson as leader.  I think if I emerge as successful in this convention it would be as a result of watching Senator Johnson proceed around the Senate for the last eight years.”  

Kennedy, then turns to look directly at Johnson and said:

“I have learned the lesson well, Lyndon, and I hope it will benefit me in the next twenty-four hours.”

Kennedy then turns back to the larger audience. 

“It is true that Senator Johnson made a wonderful record in answering those quorum calls, and I want to commend him for it. I, uh, was not present on all of those occasions…. So, I come to you today full of admiration for Senator Johnson, full of affection for him, strongly in support of him for majority leader, and in that position we’re all going to work together. Thank you.”

This is an amazing contrast to President Trump’s style of dealing with anyone who criticizes him.

An additional lesson that we can learn from looking at Kennedy’s style was his willingness to take responsibility for things that did not go as well as he desired during his administration.

On April 17th, 1961, Kennedy ordered what became known as the “Bay of Pigs Invasion”: 1,500 U.S.-trained Cubans landed on the island in an attempt to overthrow the country’s dictator, Fidel Castro. The plan failed within three days.

Many felt Kennedy was guilty of doing something terribly wrong, and more than a few insults were hurled at him. However, when he went before the press, he took responsibility for the failure, and pledged to take several specific steps to make sure that what happened would never happen again. Immediately afterwards his approval rating spiked, going up to 83 percent, the highest level of his presidency.

Responsibility-LincolnFrom my own experience, I have learned that using a similar type of response can be very helpful. When I find that someone has a conflict with me because of something that I have done, I have often been able to turn angry feelings into a respectful resolution by making it clear that I recognize my responsibility in what happened and I plan to take some action to improve.

Now contrast this with what happened at the Trump press conference when a reporter asked him if there were any mistakes that he made when he wrote his executive order regarding a travel ban from seven countries. Trump replied,

“Let me tell you about the travel ban. We had a very smooth rollout of the travel ban. But we had a bad court. Got a bad decision. We had a court that’s been overturned. Again, may be wrong. But I think it’s 80 percent of the time, a lot.

“We had a bad decision. We’re going to keep going with that decision. We’re going to put in a new executive order next week some time. But we had a bad decision.

“That’s the other thing that was wrong with the travel ban. You had Delta with a massive problem with their computer system at the airports. You had some people that were put out there, brought by very nice busses, and they were put out at various locations.

“Despite that the only problem that we had is we had a bad court. We had a court that gave us what I consider to be, with great respect, a very bad decision. Very bad for the safety and security of our country. The rollout was perfect.”

Notice that Trump took absolutely zero responsibility for the problems that ensued. This has been his style ever since I’ve been watching him on TV. All problems are due to some other folks, never him.

So, a basic nature of respect is that you can’t get people to stop hating you if you are throwing hate their way. If there is any way to turn people from hate to respect, it is useful to model how you want to be treated by treating others as you want them to treat you.  This is the basic Golden Rule.  Rather than attack those who criticize you, listen respectfully, and be open to take at least some responsibility for anything with which you might have played a part.

In ending today’s post, I shall leave you with a quote from President Lincoln’s second inaugural address, a period of time when the country was arguably in its greatest conflict. Notice that Lincoln could have expressed great hatred toward those whom he felt were responsible for starting the war. That very likely is the approach our current president would have taken. Here’s Lincoln, currently viewed by many historians as our all time most respected president.

“With malice toward none, with charity for all, with firmness in the right as God gives us to see the right, let us strive on to finish the work we are in, to bind up the nation’s wounds, to care for him who shall have borne the battle and for his widow and his orphan, to do all which may achieve and cherish a just and lasting peace among ourselves and with all nations.”
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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.
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conflict resolution Liar Lying respect

Bob Dylan on Lying

Judy becomes bitter when she finds out that her husband, Glen, lied to her. That bitterness leads to a loss of the tenderness she had for him on their glorious wedding day. Despite efforts by Glen to straighten things out, his previous loving relationship ends in divorce.

Of course, not all incidences of lying end so sadly. Nevertheless, how much respect people have for you can be significantly influenced by perceptions of your truthfulness. Thus, the topic of lying is well worth a From Insults to Respect post. 

As regular visitors to this blog well know, it is my habit of utilizing, from time to time, Bob Dylan’s Theme Time Radio Hour show to provide a literary spin on a topic of interest. To that end, today we’ll turn to his wonderful episode that focused on the theme, “Truth and Lies.” You can listen to the show for free by clicking HERE.

Bob’s Opening Lines

Bob begins his show on truth and lies by lying to us:

Bob Dylan

Heh heh heh…Welcome to the Underground Garage. I’m Little Steven. All right, I’m not little Steven. I’m lying to you. This is Theme Time Radio Hour and today’s show is about veracity and prevarication, and the distance between the two. We’re going to be talking about the gospel truth and dirty lies, big fat lies, little white lies, half-truths, and we’ll be discovering that the truth will set you free…. To start things off, the Chromatics, “Tell a lie.” 

There’s some fine sax and great vocal harmonizing on this song, but I found myself a little taken aback with its lyrics. Here are a few of them.

If the truth will hurt someone you love, 
Tell a lie, tell a lie, tell a lie.
If the truth will bring a tear to her eye,
Tell a lie, tell a lie, tell a lie. 

Yeah, tell her that you love her,
If that will make her smile.
Though you’re lying you will discover,
You’ll mean it after a while.

If the truth will hurt someone you love,
Tell a lie, tell a lie, tell a lie.

Hmmm. This song actually has the singers enthusiastically encouraging us to lie. It focuses in on lying to a woman with whom we are developing, hopefully, a loving relationship. I’m not so sure this is sound advice. Let’s see what Bob has to say about this.

If you are going to tell a lie, make it a white lie. The dictionary defines that as an often trivial, diplomatic, or well-intentioned untruth. According to a survey, 4 out of 5 people admit to telling white lies at least once a day, and I’m telling you that that other guy, he’s lying.

Maybe I’m just taking it for granted, but you all know that it is a bad thing to lie. Just so we say it emphatically one time, it is a sin to tell a lie.

Even if lying is a sin, it is only a venal sin. It becomes a mortal sin only when the intention of deceiving risks mortal consequences. And just as a reminder, here are the seven deadly sins: pride, envy, anger, sloth, greed, gluttony, and lust. Let me see, I’m good for about five of them.

Well, after listening to this first part of Bob’s show, I gave it a little thought. As it turns out, although I think of myself as basically an honest guy, if the truth be told, there are times when I told a white lie.

Let’s move a little further into this show to see what else Bob wants to share on this topic.

The Middle of The Show

As the show continues, Bob plays us a sad story about how a lie turned into gossip, and by the end of the day, a guy’s reputation was ruined.

From there, we hear Aretha Franklin doing a soulful version of “Don’t Play that Song.”

Aretha Franklin

Hey mister, don’t play it no more
Don’t play it no more
I can’t stand it
Don’t play it no more (no more), no more (no more), no more, whoa-whoa (can’t stand it)
I remember on our first date (ooh)
He kissed me and he walked away (ooh)
I was only seventeen (ooh)
I’d never dream he’d be so mean (ooh)

Here, in Aretha’s heartfelt rendition of this song, we are provided with pretty much the opposite opinion of “Tell a Lie.”

“Don’t Play that Song” was a major hit not only for Aretha, but for several other musical artists. Its popularity is due, at least in part, to it so powerfully capturing the emotional pain that many experience when it becomes apparent that the person they fell in love with has lied about loving them. Such painful memories can last a lifetime.

Mark Twain

A little further along in Bob’s show he provides us a little of what Mark Twain had to say about the truth:

“Always tell the truth. That way you don’t have to remember what you said.”

Then Bob tells us that,

“You probably don’t want to hang around with liars at all. You don’t want to be spending a lot of time trying to second guess everything they say. And you certainly don’t want to have to keep saying what Fats Domino keeps saying in this song.”

The song Bob is referring to is “Don’t Lie to Me.” On this one we hear Fats playing some pretty decent piano rifts while singing the following lyrics:

Well, let’s talk it over
Baby from the start
I heard about the way you over do your part
And don’t you lie to me

Oh don’t you lie to me
Because it makes me mad
And I’ll get evil as a man can be
There is two kinds of people I just can’t stand

And that’s a lyin’ woman and a thievin’ man
Oh don’t you lie to me
Oh don’t you lie to me
Because it makes me mad.

Here we get a sense of the anger and evil that can get stirred up when lying occurs. There are  several other wonderful comments and songs in this part of the show, but my time is running short, so let’s move on.

The Closing Few Minutes Of Bob’s Show

The literary side of Bob loves to use some literature in his show to enrich his themes. This show is no exception. Thus, he says:

Carl Sandburg

Before we go, Carl Sandburg wrote a poem about the liars, and it goes like this:

A LIAR goes in fine clothes
A liar goes in rags
A liar is a liar, clothes or no clothes
A liar is a liar and lives on the lies he tells and dies in a life of lies
And the stonecutters earn a living—with lies—on the tombs of liars

A liar looks ’em in the eye
And lies to a woman,
Lies to a man, a pal, a child, a fool
And he is an old liar; we know him many years back

A liar lies to nations
A liar lies to the people
A liar takes the blood of the people
And drinks this blood with a laugh and a lie,
A laugh in his neck,
A lie in his mouth
And this liar is an old one; we know him many years
He is straight as a dog’s hind leg
He is straight as a corkscrew
He is white as a black cat’s foot at midnight

The tongue of a man is tied on this,
On the liar who lies to nations,
The liar who lies to the people.
The tongue of a man is tied on this
And ends: To hell with ’em all.
To hell with ’em all.

Conclusion

Wow, that Sandburg poem packs quite a punch. Utilizing such poetry, along with other items, such as the Bob Dylan show, etc., helps to enrich the part of our brain that deals with lying. I come to that belief from my own experience.

When I was very young, I lied without any forethought. For example, I remember when I was in second grade, one day in the lunchroom a boy at my table announced that he just got a toy Tommy gun for his birthday. Seeing the enthusiastic reaction of some of the guys at my table, I announced that I got one also for my birthday, despite the fact that I hadn’t, and I didn’t even know what a Tommy gun was. The lie just shot right out of my mouth.

Well, immediately after I made this announcement, some of the guys started asking me questions about what a Tommy gun was. I tried to make up some answers, but the guy who actually had the toy, made it pretty clear I didn’t know what I was talking about. Then, a couple of other guys said they wanted to come to my house after school to see my gun. At this point, my red, sweaty face made one more desperate attempt at saving face, and then I hurried away, totally embarrassed.

With experiences like this, along with hearing stories about the trouble other people got into as a result of their lying, I began to catch myself beforehand whenever I was tempted to lie. One of the biggest influences on my ability to have some forethought when it came to lying was meeting a couple of people in high school that displayed a degree of humbleness. I came to admire this. Both appeared comfortable about their shortcomings, and although both had some impressive skills in a few areas, rather than bragging about them, they let their performance speak for themselves. I soon found myself modeling their style, and each time I was tempted to exaggerate something about myself, I found I could catch myself beforehand, and pretty often I chose a more truthful path.

So, there you have it, my From Insults to Respect post for this week. Have a great week, and please join us again real soon.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on.  This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence.  To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

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Bullied bullying conflict resolution criticism fairness incivility at work mean bosses mean employers respect

Mean Bosses

Illustration by Deanna MartinezThis blog has frequently advocated that it is beneficial for all if we treat others respectfully. At times we focussed on a respectful way to provide negative criticism–no glares, insults, threats, or shouts, and with enough details so that the criticized person, if he or she wills, can improve the behavior, idea, or appearance. At other times, we focussed on the best way to respond to negative criticism–listen in a supportive, warm, friendly style, and then make it clear that we fully understand what was said by providing a summary.

mean boss 2Although posts like these were generally well received, some comments argued that they didn’t apply to work settings. “A good boss doesn’t have time to be nice!” claimed one person. Another argued that “A boss has to be tough or he or she will be taken advantage of, and the whole organization will end up suffering.”

Mean boss 6Well, an excellent article once appeared in the New York Times that delves into this issue. Titled “No Time to Be Nice,” the author, Christine Porath, tells us that how we treat one another at work matters. “Insensitive interactions have a way of whittling away at people’s health, performance and souls.”

Early in the article, Ms. Porath reviews research demonstrating that stressful jobs increase the risk of a cardiovascular event by 38 percent, and a major source of work related stress is how the boss treats employees.

mean boss 3Bosses produce demoralized employees through a string of actions: walking away from a conversation because they lose interest; answering calls in the middle of meetings without leaving the room; openly mocking people by pointing out their flaws or personality quirks in front of others; reminding their subordinates of their “role” in the organization and “title”; taking credit for wins, but pointing the finger at others when problems arise. 

mean boss 4Although in surveys people say they are afraid they will not rise in an organization if they are really friendly and helpful, research evidence indicates the opposite is true–behavior involving politeness and regard for others in the workplace pays off. Those seen as civil were twice as likely to be viewed as leaders.

Ms. Porath tells us:

Civility elicits perceptions of warmth and competence….these two traits drive our impressions of others, accounting for more than 90 percent of the variation in the positive or negative impressions we form of those around us. These impressions dictate whether people will trust you, build relationships with you, follow you and support you.

Angry boss screaming. Isolated on white

The reason that some people don’t believe the research findings is that they see mean bosses who seem to succeed despite being rude and thoughtless. Whereas it is true that some bosses can be highly successful while being mean, it is not being mean that makes them successful.  They succeed despite their incivility, not because of it. If they happen to have highly talented people working for them, or their company is particularly profitable because their product is much better than the competition, the boss may get the credit.  But studies reviewed by Ms. Porath demonstrate that the No. 1 characteristic associated with an executive’s failure is an insensitive, abrasive or bullying style.

DilbertBossPower can force compliance. But insensitivity or disrespect often sabotages support in crucial situations. Employees may fail to share important information and withhold efforts or resources. Sooner or later, uncivil people sabotage their success — or at least their potential. Payback may come immediately or when they least expect it, and it may be intentional or unconscious.

There is far more in the “No Time to Be Nice” article worth studying, and I highly recommend giving it a thorough read.  Ms. Porath’s article is a breath of fresh air to all of us who advocate that treating people respectfully is in all of our best interests.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

 

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Bob Dylan conflict management conflict resolution crying dig for the conflict Emotional pain respect tears

Bob Dylan On Tears

I have discussed the topic of crying and how it relates to how much respect a person might have for the crier in several earlier posts (see here and here). In those earlier posts we looked into the following questions: If I cry when criticized, does that mean I should view myself as acting like a baby? Is it right to view someone who cries as immature? In today’s post I’ll try to enrich some of these earlier issues by discussing Bob Dylan’s “Theme Time Radio Hour “show on the theme of tears (most of his shows are available on YouTube”.

Bob Dylan on Tears

Bob begins his show on tears as follows:

Well, welcome to Theme Time Radio Hour. In the background, some very sad music because this week, we’re gonna learn about sad clowns, crocodiles, and tear-stained make-up. We’re gonna look at a river of tears as we learn about crying. kleenexSo grab yourself some Kleenex, heck, you better grab the whole box. Not that songs about crying are necessarily sad. This one at least sounds happy. It’s by Question Mark and the Mysterians–“96 Tears.”

Here are some of the lyrics to the song:

question markToo many teardrops
For one heart to be crying
Too many teardrops
For one heart to carry on 

You`re way on top now since you left me
You’re always laughing way down at me
But watch out now, I`m gonna get there

We`ll be together for just a little while
And then I`m gonna put you way down here
And you`ll start crying ninety-six tears
Cry, cry, cry…

Hmmm, if this guy who is singing was a friend of mine actually going through a similar experience, how could I be helpful?

Are you listeningWell, just listening for awhile in a caring manner is almost always a good start. Rather than to be too quick to start offering advice or criticizing in any way, I might just softly summarize, every couple of minutes, what my friend has been saying, thus assuring him that I am accurately listening.  If my summary is off the mark in any way, my friend will clarify.

At some point, I might explore with my friend his desire to not be crying.  I understand that many people in our culture feel it is an immature act. You see this when someone does begin to cry in front of you and he or she quickly starts to apologize for crying. Is there some reason to change this attitude that crying is an act that only immature people do? Different people have different views about this.

Getting Back to the Dylan Show

AnitaAfter Bob opens his tear-soaked Theme Time Radio Hour show with “96 Tears,” which gave us an example of a man being bitter about his break-up with his lover, he plays a song by the lovely and talented Anita O’Day. In “And Her Tears Flowed Like Wine” Ms. O’Day provides us a woman’s perspective on what it’s like to be crying over how a lover mistreated her.

And her tears flowed like wine
Yes, her tears flowed like wine
She’s a real sad tomato
She’s a busted valentine
Knows her momma done told her
That the man is darn unkind

Next up on Bob’s show is a tune by the great blues singer, Bobby Charles, who reminds us that even “Big Boys Cry:”

Bobby CharlesI cried last night until I couldn’t
I’ll cry tonight, I know I shouldn’t
It hurts to know that I can’t reach her
I learned to lose, she was my teacher

Well I try to hide all the tears down deep inside
But even big boys cry 

I climb the walls, I chew my fingers
I run around but her love lingers
Her friends say she don’t talk about me
They say she’s doing fine without me

Well I try to hide all the tears down deep inside
But even big boys cry
Oh

Well I try to hide all the tears down deep inside
But even big boys cry

There are quite a variety of songs that Bob Dylan plays that remind us that crying is part of life for pretty much everyone. Bob introduces one of my favorites like this:

Thomas FullerThomas Fuller once said, “We’re born crying, live complaining, and die disappointed. Hank Williams knew what he was talking about. This song is about a very specific depression inspired by a troubled relationship with his wife, Audrey Sheppard. Here that Lonesome Whippoorwill. He sounds too blue to fly. I’m so lonesome I can cry.

What human being is unable to relate to these sad lyrics?

Hank WilliamsI’ve never seen a night so long
When time goes crawling by
The moon just went behind the clouds
To hide its face and cry

Did you ever see a robin weep
When leaves begin to die?
Like me, he’s lost the will to live
I’m so lonesome I could cry

 The silence of a falling star
Lights up a purple sky
And as I wonder where you are
I’m so lonesome I could cry

After a couple of more sad songs, Bob lightens things up a bit:

We still have plenty of tears to shed here on Theme Time Radio Hour’s crying edition.

He then plays a little of the audio track from the movie A League of Their Own. Tom Hanks, playing a manager of a women’s baseball team begins to shout criticism of one of his players.  We hear the player begin to cry. Incredulous, Tom asks, “Are you crying?”

league of our own“No,” comes the reply from player, but then we hear her weeping.

“Are you crying?” Tom asks again, but now he is yelling. “There’s no crying! There’s no crying in baseball! There’s no crying in baseball!!! No Crying!!!!!”

For those who didn’t see the movie, it might be hard to understand why this scene strikes so many of us as funny, while touching at the same time.  I guess you just have to see the movie to understand. I will say this, despite what Tom says in the movie, I have seen many men even in the major leagues crying after losing a big game. Often, they throw a towel over their head in an effort to hide their tears.

Oliver Wendell Holmes
Oliver Wendell Holmes

As Bob’s tear-fest show begins to wind down, he provides us a quote from Oliver Wendell Homes-“Laughter and tears are meant to turn the wheels of the same machinery of sensibility. One is wind power, the other, water power.”

Then he he tells us that “poets have always used crying as an inspiration. Here’s an example by Dylan Thomas.”

 Clown In The Moon

Dylan Thomas
Dylan Thomas

My tears are like the quiet drift
Of petals from some magic rose;
And all my grief flows from the rift
Of unremembered skies and snows.

I think, that if I touched the earth,
It would crumble;
It is so sad and beautiful,
So tremulously like a dream.

Well that’s pretty much my blog post for today. I hope it has provided you some food for thought about this whole crying stuff. And with that, let’s end with the words that Bob uses as he ends his show on tears:

Woodrow WilsonWell, the old clock on the wall says it’s time to go. It’s a good thing because I’m out of Kleenex anyway. So I’m gonna hop in my car, head down the Robinson Freeway and get myself a beer I can cry into. In the meantime, remember the words of our former president, Woodrow Wilson: There is little for the great part of history except the bitter tears of pity and the hot tears of wrath.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

 

 

Categories
conflict resolution learning through stories respect

On Being Respected

How does someone learn how to become a person people respect? Arguably, the best way to develop a deep understanding of this is through stories that depict characters that, as they mature, grow into individuals that have the set of characteristics that people highly respect. In the Cool Steve Stories, a coming-of-age trilogy of a boy growing up in Brooklyn, I have attempted to provide my readers with just this type of story.

A Hero Grows in Brooklyn

hero coverThe first novel of the trilogy, A Hero Grows in Brooklyn, can be downloaded for free on any e-book reader, iPad, or computer.  It is also available as a paperback book.

In the trilogy, the topic of respect initially arises when Steve is only five-years old. His Uncle Ricky has taken him to Yankee Stadium, and Mickey Mantle has just won the first game of a double header with a spectacular catch in center field.

Mickey

The story continues from here:

“Hey Steve,” says Ricky as he stretches his arms way above his head, “while we wait for them to get ready for the next game let’s take a walk. My legs are getting stiff.”

“Can we go way up there?” Steve asks pointing to the seats high above them.

“Let’s go see,” says Ricky.

In the crowded aisle between the dark green seats, slowly they make their way up to a covered cement walkway with hordes of fans on long lines seeking to buy peanuts, hot dogs, ice cream, beer, and soda. Uncle Ricky looks around to get reoriented.

“Let’s try this way, Steve.”

“Wow, Uncle Ricky, I never seen so many people!”

Baseball-Yankee-Stadium-outfieldThe crowd thins out along an upwardly sloping tunnel. Soon, they emerge into bright sunlight and Steve finds himself in the upper deck behind home plate. This view provides a bird’s-eye perspective. Looking down from the wall in front of the upper deck’s first row of seats, Steve’s mouth flies open, and he suddenly takes a step back. “I bet a guy could get pretty hurt if he fell from here!” he cries.

“Ya wanna find out,” Ricky responds mischievously. “Here. I’ll give ya a boost,” and as he says this he bends down, interlocks the fingers of his hands together and holds them by Steve’s feet.

Steve feigns anger, throwing some mock punches at his uncle while laughing.

Yankee 2As they begin the journey back to their seats, Steve notices the unique smell of stale beer and Cracker Jacks.

“So, Steve, you getting excited about starting kindergarten in the fall?”

“I hear they got some mean kids there.”

bully17“There are always a few kids trying to earn respect by pushing kids around.”

“Resect? What’s that mean?”

“Not resect, respect.”

“Yeah, re… respect, Uncle Ricky, what’s it mean?”

“Well, if ya like a guy then ya…” Ricky begins to say but then pauses. He was about to say, If you like a guy you respect him. But then he thinks about his older brother Mike, who happens to be Steve’s dad. Ricky realizes that he likes Mike, even loves him, but he doesn’t truly respect him. Then Ricky wonders to himself if you can dislike a guy and still respect him. Hmmm.

“Well?” says Steve.

“I guess I’ll tell ya what my dad used to say about respect. You’re a little young ta understand this yet but anyway, every now and then your nonno, in his heavy Italian accent, would say ta me and your dad when we were young, ‘Ricky, Mike, if ya wanna get respect ya gotta learn how ta use this-uh, wit’ this-uh, and wit’ this-uh,” and as Ricky imitates Steve’s grandfather saying these words he points first to his right arm’s biceps, then to his head, and then to his heart.

The little Yankee Stadium scene that I just described, only begins the process of encouraging people to start thinking about the nature of respect. Why Ricky doesn’t respect Steve’s dad, and how Steve, when he becomes a teenager, manages to become respected are answered by reading the rest of the trilogy. By following over the course of a few months the characters as they deal with specific situations that we can relate to, we find ourselves envisioning how we might handle similar situations. As psychologist Rollo May put it, these types of stories are the fibers with which a person weaves a coherent fabric of identity and meaning.

Other Ways to Learn About Respect

An alternative to stories for learning about respect, is to review a list that some people put together of the characteristics that they believe lead to respect.  One such list, for example, is provided by wikiHow’s, titled “How to Be Respected.” Among the items listed is:

Being a Good Role ModelRespected 1

Present yourself well

Set an example for others

Make your own decisions

Don’t be overly materialistic

Don’t procrastinate

Respected 2Be a cultured person

Keep your language clean and respectable

Exude confidence

Be optimistic

Stick to your word

Excel at something

Respected 3Admit to your mistakes

Avoid getting overly intoxicated in public

Stick up for yourself when you need to

Respecting Others

Greet people in a proper and friendly manner

Never bully others or take advantage of their weaknesses

Respected 6Give everyone a chance

Be prepared to see other people’s side of the story

Don’t act like a know-it-all

Be discreet

Each item on this list comes with a few examples along with a picture illustrating the point that is being made. Although I believe that there are some essential characteristics left off the list, and many of the examples are too vague to readily put into practice, the items are worth thinking about.

I think the list can be usefully employed as part of a discussion on this topic, especially if those participating in the discussion are encouraged to tell a little story of their own depicting an incident in which someone they know acted in a way that illustrates the items on the list.

listOf course another way to learn the skills that lead to respect is to begin reading this blog, starting with the first post, and systematically going through each succeeding post at your own pace. It’s free, and engaging in discussions can be done by posting comments in the “comment section” that appear at the bottom of each of the posts.

Conclusion

Regardless of how else you choose to learn about respect, the Cool Steve Stories is a great way to supplement your learning. The process has elements of fun, sadness, frustration, excitement and humor.

To end today’s post, let’s take a little look at how five-year old Steve ended his day at Yankee Stadium.

Ed Sullivan
Ed Sullivan

After Steve’s mom, Marie, makes him take a shower, it’s time for both of them to watch the Ed Sullivan Show, a Sunday night tradition of theirs.

“Did it start yet?” asks Steve hurrying into the room wearing his pajamas, still dripping from his shower.

“Not yet,” says Marie as she turns the RCA dial to channel two. “Hmmm. That doesn’t look so good.” She adjusts the rabbit-ear antenna so she can get rid of the shadows that are interfering with the picture quality. “There,” she says, “that’s better. You need anything before the show starts?”

“I’m fine, Mom.”

“Well, in that case, I’ll just come over here and sit by my handsome young man.” Together they settle in on their green sofa to enjoy the night’s variety acts.

Steve likes the juggling act. Not only does the guy get balls flying all around, but he also performs a smooth routine using cigar boxes that dance in the air.

During a commercial, as Marie goes into the kitchen to get something to nibble on, Steve gets two pink rubber balls and a baseball and tries to juggle. As he tosses one ball up and then the second, he observes that he is already too late to catch the first because it is about to hit the floor. He tries again and again.

Marie comes back into the living room with a large bowl. The aroma of fresh buttered popcorn enters Steve’s nostrils. He puts the balls down, goes over to the sofa, snuggles with his mom, and together they munch away on the soft, fluffy treat.

“Steve, what was all that commotion I heard in here while I was making the popcorn?”

“I was trying ta juggle, Mom. It’s kinda hard. I’m gonna practice a little everyday till I get it.”

The show drifts by. Marie recalls the quarrel she had with Mike before he left for the bar. He had promised to defrost the refrigerator today, and it hadn’t gotten done. Oh, if this had been the only unfulfilled promise of Mike’s she would have said nothing, nothing at all. But time and time again!

Aching memory after aching memory drift through her thoughts as Dean Martin croons his way through “That’s Amore.” Then Marie looks over to her son. She sees the golden highlights of his dark brown hair, his beautiful face, his sweet lips, the sparkle in his eyes… and as she gazes at him waves and waves of joy flow through her.

The show comes to an end. Steve begins to yawn. It’s been a long day.

“Come on, Steve, it’s time to go to bed,” says Marie.

When they get to Steve’s bedroom, Marie tucks Steve in with his teddy bear. “I love you, Steve,” she says as she leans over and kisses him on his forehead.

“I love ya too, Mom.”

Snuggling with his teddy bear, Steve closes his eyes. His mind drifts here and there. After a while, he begins to dream of one day becoming the next great Yankee centerfielder.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on.  This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence.  To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

 

 

Categories
anger conflict management conflict resolution criticism insults interpersonal conflicts negative criticism respect Responding to Criticism Uninvited criticism Unsolicited criticism

A Conversation About Unsolicited Criticism

A while back, I published on this blog a post titled, “Unsolicited Criticism: Good or Bad?” Regular readers may recall that it begins as follows:

Illustration by Aviva Maltin
Illustration by Aviva Maltin

“Judy, it’s so nice to see you,” I say as she comes into my office and sits down on my couch.

“I’ve been reading your blog again, Dr Rubin.  It’s filled with a bunch of hogwash.”

“Hmmm, it sounds like there are some ideas in it that you don’t care for.”

“I read last night two of your blog posts–Is Criticism Bad and Criticism and Wisdom.  What a bunch of nonsense!”

“I’m very interested in your point of view, Judy.  Please tell me more specifically about what you disagree with in those posts.”

John Stewart Mill
John Stewart Mill

“Well, you talk about this John Stuart Mill.  According to him, if people criticize us, even for holding an opinion we are very sure of, we should thank them for it, open our minds to listen to them, and rejoice.  That’s ridiculous!  If you don’t have something nice to say to somebody you should keep your stupid mouth shut!  And, as far as I’m concerned, unless I give someone permission to criticize me, that person has no right to inflict it upon me!”

brilliant2The rest of that post provides my response to Judy. As brilliant as that response is, it is my considered opinion that my readers and I benefit from hearing a variety of views on these types of issues. And so, with that in mind, I went about seeking these views by introducing the post to the Facebook groups that I belong to. Thus, I wrote for each group the following:

Some say that unless you are invited to provide criticism, you should keep your mouth shut. How wise is that?

Then I provided the link to my post.  It led to quite a few excellent insightful discussions. My favorite happened to appear on the wonderful group, The Brain Cafe. To our good fortune, several of its participants graciously granted permission to use their comments for the current post. These permissions do not mean they are providing a blanket endorsement of this blog or its writers. And, with that, let’s take a look at the discussion that had taken place.

The Brain Cafe Discussion

brian cafe image

Brad Esau, prior to reading my blog post wrote: Uninvited “advice” makes me go thermo nuclear. Uninvited criticism is courting death. Perhaps I should read this.

I, Jeffrey Rubin, replied: Please do read it, Brad Esau, and then let me know what you think.

academicBarry Kort: I suppose the context matters. As a retired academic, I hang out in Internet venues where my fellow academics schmooze with each other and with interested lay people who are arm-chair aficionados of the subjects on the table. In academia, we have a scholarly culture such that we routinely peer-review each other’s work in a collegial and congenial manner. I view this culture as being characterized by an informal tacit social contract that defines a scholarly culture.

There is, on the other hand, the unscientific (or non-scientific) political culture which has its own inscrutable ground rules which admit of some rather dicey and sleazy practices.

What is the lay person to do in these Social Networks? Clearly we find a mix of behavior that spans the spectrum.

I don’t mind conscientious scholarly criticism of the sort one would expect in academia. I’m not fond of the kind of snarky or mean-spirited dismissals that one finds in our ofttimes toxic political culture….

CanadaBrad Esau: This seems to be a cultural thing. I’ve noticed Americans (I’m Canadian) seem to have this notion that they have the “right” to speak out about anything at any time. This is much different than most cultures.

I happen to believe a) I – or anyone – absolutely has the right to deny anyone’s “right” to offer “criticism” or “input” and b) through much, much, much hard won experience, I learned that most people’s “criticism” was largely invalid and of poor construct. In other words, they had no idea what they were talking about.

I am very, very open to critique – if it’s from someone whose expertise or experience I trust and they’ve *earned* my trust. Otherwise, I have no time to waste on most people’s hot air.

So while I think your approach is valid for within American culture, it should be limited to that.

E. C.: Well said Brad! (also a “fellow” Canadian). Love your courage for taking this on Jeffrey. And Brad, you make me THINK

Brad Esau: Thanks, E. C. After growing up in polite Canada and spending a decade and a half around Asians (Japanese, Taiwanese and Chinese) where this kind of “right” to openly criticize is unthinkable, I still find this jarring. Most of my online exchanges are with our friends south of the 49th. Just could never get used to their unrestrained forwardness.

And thank you for the compliment.

criticism1Barry Kort: What stood out for me in that vignette was that Judy was enacting a practice that she abhorred when the roles were reversed. About the only scenario where that’s kosher is in scripted psychodrama as a theatrical performance.

Brad Esau: Thinking on this further, I think unsolicited criticism is warranted in cases where intervention is needed. Somebody is clearly going about things in ways that will harm their future or… their chances at their goals, and then I think it’s quite correct to voice some well founded constructive criticism….

The thing with most people, they’re not nearly as “smart” or “wise” or “expert” as they believe themselves to be and most of their “criticism” or “advice” is nothing more than egotistical bluster and hot air.

criticism5After some time had passed, Brad added: I now just sort of have this iron clad rule for when anyone – and I mean anyone – offers “advice” or “criticism” I ask for or dig into their credentials and poke into what their motivation might be. 98% of people don’t pass those simple tests.

Of course the trick then is to learn to check one’s own premises and to see if whatever criticism or feedback they might have had to offer was warranted.

There are so many variables at work here!

I could fill a city with people crippled by the criticism they received all their lives from their mothers. Hell, maybe a whole continent. I’d have to say raising motherly criticism is invalid.

Judges are different – you purposely go there to be judged. The topic here is *unsolicited* criticism and how to deal with it.

Dilbert on constructive criticismE. C.: No one wants or needs to hear “bad things” about themselves. That is not constructive criticism. What is helpful is solicited advice on how I can improve on something. That is entirely different, and it requires the “advice giver” to have to actively listen to what it is I am asking and what information I am giving as far as what I need advice or help with.

cultureLyra Alves: I agree that it is highly determined by our cultural background, but we surely can work our way out of having it as “taboo” and adapt to it. I find criticism, from whatever source it comes, from people who know me or not, who have something interesting to say or not, an incredible gift for my personal growth. I trust much more people who are straight forward than those who are over-polite. I also tend to feel that often those who resist to criticism or those who only accept it if it comes from certain “certified” sources may have self-confidence issues, some hidden insecurities to be sorted out. Every chance we receive some criticism is a chance we have to review various concepts we have about ourselves, about what is the best or not. I think it is always a valuable chance to expand our view on the world and increase our ability to empathize.

Susan Clemens: I have a Facebook rule: Your wall; your opinion.
Other than that, constructive criticism can be offered if you have a relationship with the person, if the person is otherwise at risk of injury, or if you are approaching a business from the customer perspective.
“Pat them-poke them-pat them” works best. I have a few friends who welcome criticism and others who can’t stand it. I try to respect them and vice versa.

criticism4Brad Esau <irony>

I’ve recently posted a piece critical of America and Americans along with my own well founded views.


Going by the universal angry responses and denial I’ve gotten so far, it seems like the people who enjoy criticizing the most and defend their “right” to do so, are most uncomfortable with criticism of themselves.

</irony>

Jeffrey Rubin: Brad Esau, I’ve noticed the same thing–that many people who hate to be criticized are among the quickest to criticize, and often are the ones who are the nastiest criticizers as well.

criticism6E. C.: I wonder, am I the only one who kind of “bristles” at the word “Criticism?” I am all for constructive feedback but for some reason framing it as “criticism” feels far less helpful and like others have said does become more about the person giving it than about the person needing it. Jeffrey Rubin – do you see a difference? If so, why or why not?

Jeffrey Rubin: Hi E. C. I see the difference that you are trying to make, and it is an important and worthwhile distinction to make. I don’t see that that difference has to be made by using the word “feedback” for one and “criticism” for the other. However, if I am in a conversation just with you, I wouldn’t object to an understanding that we would use the words to mean whatever you would like.

That said, people have a variety of conceptions of these two words (criticism and feedback) and therefore typically it is a good idea to use more than just those words to explain what we mean. Defining our terms beforehand is a good strategy.

bad moodFor future reference, to me and Daniel Webster, criticism is an evaluation. If you have evaluated something, then you have formulated a criticism of it; and if you tell someone your evaluation, you are providing the person criticism or a critique of something. It can be done in a way so that it is designed to be helpful to someone. Sometimes it is expressed in a manner that is designed to punish someone, or to just hurt someone for a variety of reasons, e.g., because of jealousy or because the person is stressed and irritable.

Concluding Comment

criticsm2Well, I hope you enjoyed this discussion as much as I did. I hate to end it here, for there is so much more to say, but rest assured that there will be more on this emotionally packed conversation in coming weeks.  Until then, here’s hoping that kindness accompanies all of the criticisms that come our way.

——————————-

Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on.  This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence.  To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

 

 

 

Categories
anger conflict management conflict resolution criticism insults Islam Muslims respect Responding to Criticism

Killing People Because They Criticized Your Muslim Faith: Is It A Sign of Immaturity?

paris-rally-large-169Anyone who follows the news, has heard about the most recent terrorist act in France. This post, however looks at what occurred earlier this year against those who worked for the French satirical magazine Charlie Hebdo.  The magazine had published articles and cartoons that criticize those who believe that the proper response to people making fun of a group’s religious beliefs is to kill them.  Although the magazine writers had poked fun at all of the major religions, it was individuals who viewed themselves as followers of the Muslim faith that actually carried out these murders.

Before I go any further, I hasten to point out that Muslim statesmen, clerics and intellectuals have condemned these awful acts.  Moreover, the vast majority of those who view themselves as Muslims are not going around murdering anyone, let alone people who voice criticism of their faith. That said, we still have laid before us on the front pages of every media outlet this particular event. I therefore am personally moved to spend some time today throwing around some relevant ideas.  Anything that I do say today in no way is meant to imply that I think Muslims, in general, are more violent-prone or immature than other people.

Violence in Response to Criticism

Regular followers of this blog well know that I have put together a tentative model of different levels of maturity for responding to criticism.  There are 5 levels.  Level one is viewed as the most immature set of responses.  Each higher level is viewed as more mature.

If you will, take a look below at the five levels of maturity and see what level of maturity best describes the actions of those who murdered the Charlie Hebdo magazine workers?

  1. This level requires displaying one or more of the following:
  • Weeps or sobs with tears or pouts unless also displaying responses consistent with either level 4 or 5.
  • Physically attacks the criticizer (regardless of whatever else is said or done)
  • Damages property (regardless of what else is said or done)

cryinglevel 1 fightLevel 1 paint

 

 

 

 

 

  1. This level requires displaying one or more of the following:
  • Insults the criticizer (either with words, hand gestures, the sticking out of a tongue, the rolling of the eyes, or smirks)
  • Glares at the criticizer
  • Threatens the criticizer
  • Punches, kicks, or throws an object without physically hurting someone or damaging anything
  • Criticizes the criticizer without first fully addressing the original criticism.

level 2-1 Level 2-2 Level 2-3

 

 

 

 

Level 2-4

 

 

 

 

                             

  1. This level requires displaying one or both of the following:
  • Displays defensiveness without directly insulting the criticizer (raising voice’s volume or pitch)
  • Displays a lack of interest either by verbally indicating this, or with nonverbal cues, or complete silence.

level 3-1.jpg level 3-2.jpg.gif

 

 

                        

 

  1. Individuals at this level listen to the criticizer in a supportive, warm, friendly style, and then make it clear that they fully understand what was said.  Moreover, they put the criticizer at ease by making statements that indicate that the wise learn from criticism.  Some time is spent on showing that they are thinking about the criticism.  Level 4If, after thinking about the criticism the criticism is deemed to be correct, they make a statement frankly indicating, “I can see your ideas have merit, and I intend to use them in the future.”  If they are not sure if they agree, they make a statement indicating that they are very interested in what was said, plan to think a little more about this over the next few days and then they will be ready to discuss this further. If, after thinking about the criticism, the criticism is deemed to be incorrect, a statement is made designed to disagree without being disagreeable.  More specifically, a sense of humor, some listening in a caring way and a few smiles help to traverse rough terrain.  As the episode winds down, the criticizer is encouraged to feel comfortable communicating suggestions in the future.

 

  1. In addition to actions consistent with level 4, people acting in a manner consistent with level 5 seek ways to use, whenever they disagree with the criticism, a technique known as steering in the direction the criticizer would prefer to go. Level-5That is, rather than just disagreeing without being disagreeable, the criticized person seeks to find a new choice of action that creatively utilizes something suggested from the criticism. Steering cannot be incorporated into all situations, but it is an additional goal of the most mature individuals.

 

Okay, so now that you looked over the five levels of maturity for responding to criticism, which level do you think best matches those who slaughtered the group of individuals who worked for the French satirical magazine Charlie Hebdo?

My Response

As I looked over the levels, the task was easy.  As far as I’m concerned, level 1 is clearly the best match.

Now some might say, why bother to put the actions of those who did the killing in a developmental framework?  For many, just calling them vile names more than suffices.

Well, one reason is that calling someone vile names doesn’t automatically point one to a description of what would be a more mature response, as a developmental model does. Additionally, if you want to talk the language of many experts in human behavior, getting away from the vile name calling fits in with their zeitgeist.

Mustafa Akyol
Mustafa Akyol

Consider Mustafa Akyol, author of Islam Without Extremes: A Muslim Case for Liberty and the writer of yesterday’s New York Times Op-Ed titled “Islam’s Problem With Blasphemy.”  First, Mr. Akyol points out that,

The only source in Islamic law that all Muslims accept indisputably is the Quran. And, conspicuously, the Quran decrees no earthly punishment for blasphemy — or for apostasy (abandonment or renunciation of the faith), a related concept. Nor, for that matter, does the Quran command stoning, female circumcision or a ban on fine arts. 

Mr. Akyol explains that religious nationalism is guided by religious law — Shariah — which was developed over 100 of years after the Quran, and it is there that we find clauses about punishing blasphemy as a deadly sin. While Shariah is believed by many Muslims to be rooted in the divine, according to Mr. Akyol, the overwhelming majority of its injunctions are man-made, partly reflecting the values and needs of the seventh to 12th centuries — when no part of the world was liberal, and other religions, such as Christianity, also considered blasphemy a capital crime.

In contrast to Shariah law about blasphemy, the Quran tells its followers: “God has told you in the Book that when you hear God’s revelations disbelieved in and mocked at, do not sit with them until they enter into some other discourse; surely then you would be like them.”

Mr. Akyol concludes his Op-Ed piece with the following:

Just “do not sit with them” — that is the response the Quran suggests for mockery. Not violence. Not even censorship.

Wise Muslim religious leaders from the entire world would do Islam a great favor if they preached and reiterated such a nonviolent and nonoppressive stance in the face of insults against Islam. That sort of instruction could also help their more intolerant coreligionists understand that rage is a sign of nothing but immaturity. The power of any faith comes not from its coercion of critics and dissenters. It comes from the moral integrity and the intellectual strength of its believers.

Notice Mr. Akyol’s last paragraph refers to immaturity, and he lays out what he views as a more mature, wiser path.  That is the type of model that I, myself, am striving to emulate.

———————

Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on.  This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence.  To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

 

Categories
Albert Einstein conflict resolution desire dig for the conflict happiness interpersonal conflicts psychiatry respect wisdom

The Desire for Happiness

Dealing with the frustration that goes along with challenging conflicts has some similarities to sailors dealing with stormy seas—it is best to utilize a well-rehearsed plan.

For dealing with conflicts, one such plan begins with thinking of the word “DIG.”  With a little practice, we can use this word to remind us of a simple way to summarize the conflict even in the midst of swirling frustration.conflict triangle 2

The letters of the word “DIG” aids us to remember the words, “Desire,” “Interference,” and “Guilt.” Once we recall these words, we use them in a particular way.

First, we state what our desire is in the conflict, then, what is interfering, then, why we believe the other party in the conflict is guilty of doing something wrong.  After doing this from our perspective, we then go through the same process from the perspective of the other party.

digIf we are thoroughly practiced in using this skill, the word “DIG not only helps us to create this concise description of the conflict even while in the midst of rising anger, it also helps us remember to dig a little to consider not just the most obvious desire that is involved in the conflict, but also what might be other desires that are involved.

Of course, in simple, low frustration conflicts none of this is necessary.  There are times, however, that you will find that when all of those around you are beginning to get lost in a storm, your even-tempered, systematic guidance will calm the waters and lead to inviting harbors.

Conflicts in Which Happiness is the Desire     

Now, sometimes when we describe a conflict it takes the following form:

happiness“I desire to be happy, but the other party is interfering.  The other party is guilty of making my life miserable.”

The desire to be happy has a special place in the life of many of us. Nevertheless, today I would like to advocate that you think twice whenever you, or the other party in a conflict, describes the desire part of the conflict as “to be happy.”

What’s wrong with Happiness as a Desire?

Describing a desire in a conflict as “to be happy” is too vague. With a little effort you can usually dig a little deeper and find a more specific description.  Dithers reportTypically, it is better for a boss to say something like, “I desire that you come to work by 9 A.M. at least 95% of the time than, “I desire that you make me happy.”

respectAnother reason to avoid happiness in your descriptions of your desire has to do with earning respect.  If you are like so many of us, you probably want to avoid coming off as shallow or having superficial desires.  To explain a little more of what I mean by this, I’m going to discuss a little of what Albert Einstein said on this topic and then present a little parable.

Albert Einstein on Happiness

In a book titled, Living Philosophies: A Series of Intimate Credos, the first chapter is by Albert Einstein.  There he states:

einsteinThe ideals which have always shone before me and filled me with the joy of living are goodness, beauty, and truth.  To make a goal of comfort or happiness has never appealed to me; a system of ethics built on this basis would be sufficient for a herd of cattle. (p. 4)

When I read the rest of Einstein’s chapter, I came away with the following image.  He kind of viewed happiness as one-half of an oscillation process, with sadness and happiness going back and forth, thrusting his ship forward, and where he chose to steer his ship was in the direction that led to goodness, beauty, and truth.

This is a deeper way to view the nature of happiness, and for those of us who want to be respected for being deep, in contrast to shallow, I think that there may be some value in meditating on this.

To further challenge you to think more deeply about the nature of happiness, please consider the following parable.

The Parable of Probliss

planetOnce upon a green-blue planet, a scientist invented Probliss, a super powerful happiness pill.  It made people as happy as anyone ever dreamed of.  In fact Probliss was so effective in improving the happiness in people’s lives that a group of psychiatrists developed a plan that would have all of the people on the planet lie down on gurneys in sanitized rooms and then be hooked up intravenously so nourishment and Probliss could be directly delivered into the veins of everyone.  If at any point people felt a little less than perfectly happy, all they had to do was press down with a fingertip and wonderful Probliss would soar into their lives creating pure, pure happiness.

Some didn’t like this plan. “What, no music, no love, no friends?  Man, that sounds bleak!”

“True, none of that,” said the psychiatrists, “but far more happiness.”

And it came to pass that studies were done.  The results proved indisputable–those on these gurneys who were attached to these machines that provided nourishment and Probliss developed far fewer diseases.  They lived over ten years longer, and they were less of a danger to themselves or others when compared to those who lived their lives going out in the world without Probliss.  Those who chose to live their lives in the old way, were much more likely to die in car crashes, accidental falls, and homicides. People on Probliss never died from these types of causes because all they did was lie on the gurney in a completely sterile, happy, and healthy state.

Once these results came in, the psychiatrists decided that everyone, from now on, would be tied down to gurneys, even if it was against their will.  “It was for their own good,” the psychiatrists explained.

Now some men and women did manage to escape into a deep, green forest, experiencing anguish and tears, love and creativity, but not perfect happiness.

The End

Conclusion

And so, whenever you think you want to seek happiness, consider the value that goes along with identifying a more specific desire.  You’re still likely to experience some happiness while seeking this newly identified desire, and some sadness too as setbacks tend to occur.  These alterations of happiness and sadness are part of the process that keeps our lives moving forward.  Choose wisely in what direction you truly wish to head.  And learn to appreciate that there are deeper values in life than happiness.

My Best,

Jeff

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

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Women and Criticism

On this blog, I often discuss immature and mature ways to deal with criticism. The advice that I offer is designed to be helpful to males and females alike.  But recently, in an Op-Ed piece in the New York Times, Tara Mohr argues that when it comes to criticism, women can benefit from advice specifically targeted to the unique cultural situation that they find themselves in.

 

The New York Times Article

New York TimeMs Mohr, in her thoughtful article titled “Learning to Love Criticism,” tells us:

Criticism stings for all of us, but women have been socialized to not rock the boat, to be, above all else, likable. By the time a girl reaches adolescence, she’ll most likely have watched hundreds of films, television shows and advertisements in which a woman’s destiny is determined not by her own choices but by how she is perceived by others. In those hundreds of stories, we get the message: What other people think and say about us matters, a lot.

In addition to these messages in the media, for centuries women have had less rights than men.  Being likable, or at least acceptable to stronger, more powerful men, became a primary survival strategy. For many women around the world, this is still the reality.

Given this history, we might think that women have mastered the skills to insure that they are liked, but in the business world there is some evidence that problems exist.

A Recent Survey

women and bosses 1In a recent survey that looked at 248 performance reviews from 28 different companies, both men and women gave more negative feedback to the women being reviewed.  Here are a few examples:

“You can come across as abrasive sometimes. I know you don’t mean to, but you need to pay attention to your tone.”

“Your peers sometimes feel that you don’t leave them enough room. Sometimes you need to step back to let others shine.”

“The presentation ultimately went well. But along the way, we discovered many areas for improvement. You would have had an easier time if you had been less judgmental about R—‘s contributions from the beginning.”

This kind of negative criticism showed up twice in the 83 critical reviews received by men. It showed up in 71 of the 94 critical reviews received by women.

performance-reviews-graphic1

There are three possibilities that present themselves here:

1. The women received more negative criticism despite not acting in any distinctively different way than the men because of distinctively different expectations of how women “should” act;

2. The women who received more negative reviews actually acted distinctly different in certain ways than the men and it is these differences that led to the additional negative criticism;

3. It is a little of both.

An Informal Survey

woman bossInterestingly, from my perspective, are the results of an informal survey of someone I know who was intimately involved in evaluating and promoting personnel.  Here, early criticism was about equal between men and women, but more women took the negative criticism they received to heart and made changes prior to their following evaluation. This ultimately led to their promotions.  The majority of the men who got negative feedback seemed uninterested in making any changes and subsequently lost their opportunity for promotion.

Women boss at workFrom this, I think that it is not only possible, but perhaps even probable, that despite the pattern suggested in the more thorough survey, there is great variability across settings.

Some bosses may have an archtype that a great leader is a tough, no nonsense person who only projects a demanding sense of profits.  Such an attitude will provoke a very different style of criticism around the office than one that supports the idea working for profits doesn’t have to mean that we must abandon basic principles of human dignity.

Let me just add that the person involved in providing and promoting personnel in the informal survey happened to be a master at providing very specific feedback.  Consider the example provided above in which someone stated in a review:

“You can come across as abrasive sometimes. I know you don’t mean to, but you need to pay attention to your tone.”

Such a statement potentially can be helpful as one looks within and seeks to come up with a less abrasive way to respond in situations. However, the feedback would be far better if a supervisor, let’s call him Bill, invited a subordinate, let’s call her Mary, to a one-on-one meeting shortly after an abrasive incident occurred.  At that meeting, Bill does several things.  He gently explains that he is about to imitate how Mary had acted, using her tone of voice and what was said.  Then, after imitating for her how she acted, he displays for her in a role-play how he would prefer she act when a similar incident arises.  He then proceeds to ask Mary to imitate what he just acted out.  Then he goes through this process with Mary until she can actually copy the less abrasive style to his satisfaction.  If Bill provided this level of specific feedback, it would be potentially far more helpful then the two-sentence feedback that was actually provided.

Advice

woman boss blackI very much support the recommendations that Ms Mohr provides in her New York Times piece. For example, at one point she writes,

If a woman wants to do substantive work of any kind, she’s going to be criticized — with comments not just about her work but also about herself. She must develop a way of experiencing criticism that allows her to persevere in the face of it. 

How can this be done?  “A woman,” says Ms Mohr, “can identify another woman whose response to criticism she admires. In challenging situations, she can imagine how the admired woman might respond, and thereby see some new possible responses for herself.”

I won’t go into all of the recommendations of Ms Mohr, suffice it to say her article is well worth reading.  But I do think it is essential to point out that a single article will not do the trick for most of us, women or men, who want to learn to become a master at dealing with criticism.  It takes several months of regularly bringing before our minds examples of criticism, followed by a discussion of how to transform each specific example into something better.  My blog provides one way to go about doing just this. Readers can begin with the introduction to this blog, and move forward at their own pace by clicking on the next newer entry post. Additionally, by reading the trilogy of novels that I’ve written, people become immersed for a few months in adventures that illustrate the struggle to seek respect even under the most trying circumstances.

Well, that’s this week’s edition of From Insults to Respect. Here’s to hoping you’ll join us again real soon.

Jeff

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

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conflict resolution DSM Name calling psychiatrists psychiatry respect The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders William James wisdom

Psychiatric Name Calling: Is Science to Blame?

labelledA couple of weeks ago I raised the question, “Name Calling by Psychiatrists: Is it Time to Put a Stop to it?”  In response, some blamed the insurance companies and other third party payers for the name calling. Because it is true that these payers do require the pathologizing of people seeking mental health services, in last week’s article, I took a close look at that issue.

Others responding to my question argued that diagnosing mental illness is based on the principles of science. So, let’s look at this line of thought.

The Nature of Science

Science enquires what is the nature of something?  what is its constitution, origin, and history?  Human beings also make enquires of a different sort, What is the object’s importance, meaning, significance, or value now that it is once here?  Neither judgment can be deduced immediately from the other.  They proceed from diverse intellectual preoccupations, and the mind combines them only by making them first separately and then adding them together.

Professor Gould
Professor Gould

As Steven Jay Gould, professor of zoology and geology at Harvard University, explains it:

The net of science covers the empirical realm: what is the universe made of (fact) and why does it work this way (theory).  The net of religion extends over questions of moral meaning and value.  These two magisteria do not overlap, nor do they encompass all inquiry (consider, for starters, the magisterium of art and the meaning of beauty).  To cite the usual clichés, we get the age of rocks, and religion retains the rock of ages; we study how the heavens go, and they determine how to go to heaven.”

pathology textbookIn the natural sciences there is a branch called pathology that classifies tumors, lesions, bone fractures, tissue tears, toxic reaction to a chemical, blockage of blood flow within the circulation system, blockage within or to an organ, and microbe infections.  Pathologists have reliable ways of identifying and categorizing these naturally occurring entities.  When we take a science view of each of these entities of interest to pathologists, it is not a value judgment if they exist or not. If ten pathologists look at a tumor, they can all see it, describe its color, density, weight and what each of the tumor’s cells look like under a microscope.

Pathologists, as scientists, have been studying these entities and sometimes they found that some of them are associated with certain physical complaints.  For example, some people complain about headaches and vision problems.  When they died, autopsies were carried out and often a tumor was present that was pressing against the optic nerve.

This finding led to a theory that for people who expressed this type of physical complaint, if an operation was carried out while the patients were still alive and this type of tumor was indeed pressing on the optic nerve, perhaps removing it would alleviate the complaint. Studies were carried out and it led eventually to a valued treatment.

The connections between the research findings of pathologists gave doctors some understanding of what was causing some of the physical complaints of their patients. But often doctors could not find evidence that any of the entities of interest to pathologists were the cause of the complaint.  When this occurred, most doctors merely changed the expressed complaint into some medical jargon that sounded somewhat like those concerns that had been shown to be due to a pathological condition.  In such cases, they offered some treatment that was often based more on the commercial art of medicine rather than science.

These doctors usually called both types of physical complaints (those with pathological findings and those without) “illnesses” or “disorders.” By doing so, the science of medicine and the art of medicine became blurred. And then, business interests became wrapped up in the various treatment options and principles of science began to become more and more murky when applied to the medical world.

Disorders and Psychiatry

psychiatric persuasionIn a book titled Psychiatric Persuasion by Elizabeth Lunbeck, there is considerable documentation that back at the turn of the 20th century when the main job of psychiatrists was running insane asylums their professional organization decided to expand their market by doing two things.  1. Persuade the public that more and more normal behaviors are pathologies that require psychiatric treatment, and 2. Develop a category system that converts all psychological concerns that a person might want to get help for into a language that sounds like a pathological condition.  This would legitimize the treatment of anyone who came to their office, thus the argument that the current psychiatric “diagnosis” system has become a business tool while being promoted as science.

Now, it is certainly possible to create a categorical system consistent with science for the problems that come to the attention of psychiatrists and other mental health service providers that don’t confuse conditions that are associated with pathological findings and those that are not.  Such a system would classify “mental health concerns,” rather than calling people names. A mental health concern occurs when a person seeking mental health services expresses to a mental health service provider a concern about any of the following topics: behavior, emotion, mood, meaning of life, managing chronic pain, work, relationships, education, eating, cognition and sleep. Two classes of mental health concerns are concerns expressed about oneself and concerns expressed about someone else.

One benefit of classifying “mental health concerns” rather than “mental disorders” has to do with inter-rater reliability.  Consider being in a room with 100 psychologists, or even 100 average Joes and Jills, and a person in front of the room says she has been feeling depressed.  A questioner asks the client, “Are you concerned about feeling depressed?” and the person says, “Yes.”  If you asked for a survey of how many people in the room thinks the person has expressed a concern about being depressed, you would get, I believe, 100 percent agreement.  Expressing a mental health concern is a specific action that people do, and therefore it is clearly observable.

Research on the inter-rater reliability of the mental disorders classification system has demonstrated that its inter-rater reliability is very problematic.

Science is Not to Blame

It is not science that is to blame for psychiatric name calling; it is the psychiatric business tool that is cleverly designed to capitalize on the public’s respect for science.

When we begin to use a classification system that does not clearly separate principles of science from values involved in business interests, other values start to slip into the classification process as well.  Early on when the pathologizing of human experience was just getting underway, William James made a number of relevant comments about this.

William James
William James

James argued that experiences that are commonly viewed as unhealthy or morbid are really “an essential part of every character” and give life “a truer sense of values.” To support his contention, James first provided three examples of famous individuals who expressed concerns about melancholy.  Such experiences today, if expressed to a psychiatrist, would probably be converted into a so-called “diagnosis” of “major depressive disorder.” St. Paul, the religious figure of the New Testament, Cesare Lombrosa, a late 19th-century Italian criminologist, and Immanual Kant, the 18th-century German philosopher, became, according to their biographies, better as a result of their troubling experiences.

Although hallucinations can mean madness to some, James presented the case of Socrates who “once stood motionless for many hours in the cold and spoke of having a guiding demon.” Attempting to counter the association between pathologies and hallucinations, James stated,  “Even if this demon [of Socrates] were really meant hallucinations of hearing, we know now that one in eight or ten of the population has had such an experience and that for insanity we must resort to other tests than these.”

James stated that there is no end to the possible types of obsessions that we see all around us. What benefit can such experiences have? James wrote about Henry Borg, founder of the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals in 1866; Charles Henry Parkhurst, a Presbyterian clergyman and reformer who held a New York City pastorate from 1880 to 1918 and who launched a furious attack on organized crime in state government that led to an official investigation; Dorothea Dix, a mid-19th-century humanitarian who visited the insane asylums and successfully advocated for legislation to improve the care for those labeled mentally ill.

Later, James stated, “Individuals are types of themselves and enslavement to conventional names and their associations is only too apt to blind the student to the facts before him.”

James concluded that,

“Any peculiarity that is of use to a man is a point of soundness in him, and what makes a man sound for one function may make him unsound for another. Moreover we are all instruments for social use, and if sensibilities, obsessions and other… peculiarities can so combine with the rest of our constitution as to make us the more useful to our kind, why, then, we should not call them in that context points of unhealthiness, but rather the reverse . . . The trouble is that such writers [pathologizers]. . . use the descriptive names of symptoms merely as an artifice for giving objective authority to their personal dislikes. The medical terms become mere appreciative clubs to knock a man down with. . . . The only sort of being, in fact, who can remain as the typical normal man, after all the individuals with degenerative symptoms have been rejected, must be a perfect nullity… Who shall absolutely say that the morbid has no revelations about the meaning of life? That the healthy minded view so-called is all?”

Virginia WolfTo illustrate what James means here, consider an article in the American Journal of Psychiatry (May, 2004), titled “Virginia Woolf (1882-1941).”  Although she is described by psychiatrists as having bipolar disorder, her diaries and letters, document movingly, her emotional extremes and her capacity to savor the “ordinary rhythms of life.”  At times Woolf railed against her distressing emotional experiences, felt frustrated and impeded by them, and at other times she felt it was essential to her.  In diaries and letters, she returned to the question repeatedly without reaching a resolution: were her emotional experiences a terrible obstacle to her art, or were they the necessary condition for it?

For those trying to sell psychiatric drugs, a simplistic answer to this question is eagerly promoted.  Science has not provided a definitive answer to this question as far as I am concerned, and throwing around phrases such as “the brain is malfunctioning in depression,” or “the brain has a chemical imbalance in depression” goes way beyond the available evidence.

peanuts and suffering

Psychiatric labels are like masks held on by rubberband straps.  They hide some of the characteristics of an individual.  Wearing such masks may serve some purposes, but after a while they start to get uncomfortable for many, particularly around the ears.  Let those who want to wear these masks be free to do so.  But let those who want to meet us face to face, also be free to do so.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.