Insults and Respect: What Are They?

Welcome to From Insults to Respect. 

As readers can readily see, this blog deals with issues related to insults and respect. Because I’ve assumed people readily know what they mean, in none of my previous posts have I bothered defining them. However, I recently asked some people what respect means, and found they hesitated, seemed unsure how to respond, or gave some vague answers. For example, one said she knows when she respects someone, then hesitated, and then requested some time to think about it before further replying. Another responded that she respects people who communicate well. Although I have some sense of what she means by this, I decided to seek some additional clarification.

To begin the process, because my adult son, Jack was conveniently visiting me for Thanksgiving, I turned to him to see how he defines respect. Jack replied, “When I’m feeling a person is living their life with integrity, or handles certain situations with integrity, I respect them.”

To encourage Jack to expand on his thoughts on this, I probed: “Think of someone you respect and don’t tell me who he or she is.” Once he thought of this person, I then asked him to tell me what he respects about that person. He replied, “The person lives a life with a strong intention of making the world a better place.”

I probed even further by asking Jack, “Can you think of something that would lead you to respect that person you are thinking of even more?” He replied: “If the person would be more present when he or she spends time with me.”

Hmm. Interesting.

Then I asked another person I know, a similar set of questions.

She said she defined respect as the admiration she feels for herself when living in alignment with her values and the admiration that she feels for others when they are living in alignment with her shared values.”

When I asked her the question about thinking of someone she respects without telling me who he or she is, and then tell me what is it about that person that has led to your respect, she replied, “This person lives with great integrity and humility. Also, that person never says an unkind word about anyone else. They take responsibility for their own actions, and walk their talk.”

When I probed further by asking her, “Can you think of something that would lead you to respect that person even more?” she replied, “Having even more compassion for themselves and their human imperfections.”

After this, I then decided to see what Wikipedia had to say on this subject. It replied:

An insult is an expression, statement, or behavior that is often deliberately disrespectful, offensive, scornful, or derogatory towards an individual or a group. Insults can be intentional or unintentional, and they often aim to belittle, offend, or humiliate the target. While insults may sometimes include factual information, such information is typically presented in a pejorative manner….

Respect, also called esteem, is a positive feeling or deferential action shown towards someone or something considered important or held in high esteem or regard. It conveys a sense of admiration for good or valuable qualities. It is also the process of honoring someone by exhibiting care, concern, or consideration for their needs or feelings.^[1]

In many cultures, people are considered to be worthy of respect until they prove otherwise. Some people may earn special respect through their exemplary actions or social roles. In “honor cultures”, respect is more often earned in this way than granted by default.^[2] Courtesies that show respect may include simple words and phrases like “thank you” in the West or “namaste” in the Indian subcontinent, or simple physical signs like a slight bow, a smile, direct eye contact, or a handshake. Such acts may have very different interpretations depending on the cultural context. The end goal is for all people to be treated with respect.

This strikes me as a pretty good answer, but I’d like to add a few more ideas.

Some people respect those of us who say they are always happy. It certainly feels nice when we are happy. But once I read a chapter in a book titled Living Philosophies: A Series of Intimate Credos, and the first chapter is by Albert Einstein. There he states in part:

The ideals which have always shone before me and filled me with the joy of living are goodness, beauty, and truth.  To make a goal of comfort or happiness has never appealed to me; a system of ethics built on this basis would be sufficient for a herd of cattle.

Then I read the rest of Einstein’s chapter, and came away with the following image. He viewed happiness as one-half of an oscillation process, with sadness and happiness going back and forth, thrusting his ship forward, and where he chose to steer his ship was in the direction that led to goodness, beauty, and truth. This struck me as a deeper way to view the nature of happiness, and for those of us who want to be respected for being deep, in contrast to shallow, I think that there may be some value in meditating on this.

I always liked Ralph Waldo Emerson’s thoughts on this topic:

Emerson

The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.

I dare say, I find myself respecting folks more who strive for these goals than merely always seeking happiness.

Finally, I tend to respect adults more who act in a manner consistent with how I view psychological maturity:

Psychological maturity is “better” in the long run, it considers more variables, and represents more comprehensive cognitive problem solving. Individuals who tend to act at higher levels of psychological maturity can think more critically, logically, and scientifically while acting civilly to people with whom they disagree; they can graciously admit they are wrong when information comes in supporting such a conclusion; they welcome receiving criticism, respond without getting defensive, though they know it can be emotionally concerning for them; they are hesitant to provide uninvited criticism, only doing so when they can formulate it in a way that promises to be specific enough to be helpful, and they do so without insulting tones of voice or name calling; they can role-play and empathize with the emotions of a wide variety of human beings and can process moral dilemmas according to standards of democratic justice and the golden rule; they understand that melancholy and anxiety, rather than symptoms of mental disorders, are part of the natural process of addressing concerns about losses and fears; and they have the ability to puzzle through the tough problems of living, to take a stand, and yet to remain open to possible revisions and new information—thus demonstrating a capacity to make successive approximations toward more efficient, effective, economical, and beautiful accomplishments.

Although I respect people who display behavior consistent with these principles, I strive to treat everyone I meet respectfully.

Well, there you have it, some thoughts regarding the concepts of insults and respect. My whole blog, of course, goes into these ideas in far more detail. Here, we just explored some definitions. I hope you find them useful. As always, I love to hear from readers on this and all of my posts.

My Best,
Jeff

Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

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