Tag: maturity levels

CRITICIZING YOURSELF MATURELY: A COMIC STRIP LOVER’S GUIDE

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date July 1, 2013
7 Comments on CRITICIZING YOURSELF MATURELY: A COMIC STRIP LOVER’S GUIDE

Welcome to From Insults to Respect. Recently I presented a post that aims to get you to think about immature and mature ways to provide negative criticism to yourself (see Criticizing Yourself: Five Levels of Maturity). In that post there is a fun practice section to help people to get familiar with the different levels. Becoming a master at utilizing the higher levels of maturity takes more than just thinking about them on a single day. It requires some practice utilizing the concepts over several occasions. So today, I’ll once again describe the five levels of maturity, and then let’s practice some more with the help of some of our favorite friends.

PROVIDING NEGATIVE CRITICISM: FIVE LEVELS OF MATURITY

Below you will find preliminary descriptions of how people at five developmental levels of maturity provide negative criticism to themselves, that is, criticism that points out what we don’t like about our actions, beliefs, or appearance. Level one is the most immature and uses observations of babies as its starting point. Each successive level is more mature:

1.This level requires displaying one or more of the following:

Cries without stating what the crying is about.
Physically harms you,
Damages property.

2. This level requires displaying one or both of the following:

You do not explain what the offending behavior is, but instead express displeasure with glares, insults, shouting, silence, or threats that do not involve bodily harm.
Threatens bodily harm regardless of what else is said.

3. You clearly state the criticism with enough detail so you can improve the behavior, idea, or appearance, but couple it with glares, insults, shouts, or threats that are not about bodily harm.

4. You state the criticism without bodily attacks, damaging property, glares, insults, threats, or shouts, and with enough details so that you can improve the behavior, idea, or appearance.

5. When you provide criticism, you do so in a manner very similar to a level four response, but beforehand, you consider the situation that you are in. As a result of such considerations, you may decide to alter the criticism.

A PEANUTS EXAMPLE

Below, in the Peanuts comic, Lucy provides negative criticism to herself while Charlie Brown listens. Take a shot, if you will, at rating how mature you think her criticism is on a scale of 1 to 5, with 5 being the most mature. Think about why you gave her your rating, and then compare your answer to mine.

My answer: I think Lucy’s actions best match the level 3 description— You clearly state the criticism with enough detail so you can, if you so choose, improve the behavior, idea, or appearance, but couple it with glares, insults, shouts, or threats that are not about bodily harm. The main reason I have for this is that she is shouting at herself. Lucy’s actions indicate to me that she knows what her negative criticism is about; instead of becoming discouraged, she wants her life to move from one “up” to an “upper-up,” without any “downs.” I believe her actions should be reduced by .5 because she doesn’t make it clear to herself what she should do about her expressed concern. I would have felt she at least tried to come up with a plan of action if she had said something to herself like the following: “For the next few weeks, each time I feel discouraged, I’m going to write in a journal how I feel, what led up to how I feel, and then see if I can come up with something that leads to my feeling better.” In the end, I gave Lucy a 2.5 rating.

ANOTHER PEANUTS EXAMPLE

In this next one, Lucy again provides negative criticism to herself, and again we get the sense that she knows what the criticism is about, but she doesn’t come up with some plan to address her concern. What rating do you think she deserves? Also, see if you can come up with a statement that Lucy can make to herself that would indicate she has come up with a plan to address her concern.

My answer: This time Lucy doesn’t shout at herself. She does shout at Linus about the negative criticism he provides, but our job here is not to rate that, but rather her negative criticism of her own actions. That occurs in the last box where she says to herself, “How humiliating!”

I don’t view her comment as an insult, although in real life she would have to decide that for herself. It seems to me that people, when they are dissatisfied with “a failure to accomplish a task,” can feel a sense of humiliation, not as an insult, but as a humbling experience that has the potential to motivate them to seek to make some improvement. As far as I am concerned, a person can feel humiliated and still respond at level 1, 2, 3, 4, or 5. If Lucy had insulted herself or shouted at herself, I would have felt that level three was the best match for what she does. I’m giving Lucy, instead, a question mark because sometimes criticism is provided that is clear about what is not liked but useful information about improving is not provided. If this is done in a supportive manner that does not use any insults, shouts, or threats, a question mark can be used instead of a rating. This indicates that sometimes mature people will provide this type of feedback to gently encourage themselves to come up with a solution to the problem of how to improve. The criticizer is in essence merely asking the question, “Can I come up with a way to make some improvement in this area?” Because asking such a question using a supportive tone of voice is not necessarily a sign of immaturity, no rating is immediately assigned, but as time goes on, some rating may become earned.

A FUNKY WINKERBEAN EXAMPLE

Let’s try rating Les in this Funky Winkerbean comic. Below, we see that Les, the guy with the glasses, has been invited to his thirtieth high school reunion. When he looks in the mirror he begins to evaluate how he now looks and recalls how he looked thirty years ago. As he does so, apparently he is providing some negative criticism to himself. Please rate how mature you think his response is.

My answer: The thought of going to his thirtieth high school reunion has put Les in a deep funk. He is saddened to see how he has aged. He doesn’t seem to be insulting himself in any way or threatening to harm himself. He’s also not hitting himself. Hmmm.

Some who view themselves as “healthy-minded” say that by letting himself feel sad about something he can’t do anything about, Les is actually acting in an unhealthy manner. These so called “healthy-minded” folks argue that Les would be far wiser to avert his attention from what is bothering him and live in the light of what is good in his life.

Admittedly, this method does seem to work for many people, and if it works for you, feel free to continue with it for as long as you like. I promise that I won’t send the mental health police after you.

There are those of us, however, who have tried this “healthy-minded” approach and find that, when melancholy comes, the whole system quickly breaks down. If that is your experience, perhaps the words of the brilliant psychologist, William James, might be more to your liking. “[T]here is no doubt that healthy-mindedness is inadequate as a philosophical doctrine, because the evil facts which it refuses positively to account for are a genuine portion of reality; and may after all be the best key to life’s significance, and possibly the only openers of our eyes to the deepest levels of truth.”

Clearly, people confront events that create feelings of sadness, horror, and dread. To James, the feelings that accompany such events can lead toward truth. Many of the most creative people have come to believe that periods of melancholy are an essential part of their creative process.

My readings of the research and my own personal experiences have led me to several tentative conclusions. First of all, if you can learn to avoid insulting and threatening yourself during these periods of melancholy, that’s a good thing. Some special types of insults can be especially harmful. “I’ll never be happy again,” is one of these. “I’ll always be a terrible person,” is another. “All is hopeless,” may be the worst .

Practice saying at such times, “Melancholy is part of the creative process; it is a tool that most creative people have experienced, and this mood can spur me to come to a useful understanding of my life.” “Creative” in this context means more than artistic creativity. It encompasses all aspects of a person’s work, and interpersonal and intrapersonal relationships.

The melancholy that Les is experiencing will not be his whole response to his dissatisfaction with his current appearance. He will perhaps come to realize that he has some time to still live and the years he has already lived have given him a unique perspective that can enrich the time he has left to fulfill the desires that only come about from our deepest searching. For Les, I am going to put off any rating. As far as I’m concerned, he has just begun to provide to himself negative criticism and some more time will be necessary to evaluate what his rating should be.

Okay, that’s our lesson for this week. I would love to get some comments about the ideas I’ve presented. Do you think that there are more mature ways to respond to criticism than the ideas that I’ve put forth? Has there ever been a time when you criticize yourself in a manner that you would like to discuss?

My Best, Jeff

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Tags anger, conflict, conflict management, criticism, free social intelligence and emotional intelligence curriculum, maturity levels, negative criticism, self-criticism, types of criticism, wisdom

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RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: A LUANN COMIC STRIP LESSON

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date May 12, 2013
1 Comment on RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: A LUANN COMIC STRIP LESSON

Over the past year, followers of this blog have been learning how to skillfully deal with criticism. Some of the lessons focused on the four levels of maturity for responding to criticism (see HERE).

Throughout these lessons we looked at the various reasons why some responses are viewed as more mature than others. I also noted that because people often get defensive when criticized, it is not enough to know clearly what to do in these challenging situations.

To really become proficient at using these skills it is crucial that we practice the skills to a point that we overlearn them in a manner that is similar to what police officers and other first responders do during their training. They repeat competent performances over and over again even after they can readily carry them out during practice sessions. This enhances their ability to carry them out during a crisis.

And so, from time to time, readers of this blog find that I am presenting another session to go over what they have already learned. I try to do this in a fun way, using different narratives to promote their ability to generalize their skills to a variety of different settings.

For those of you who are just beginning to get familiar with the basic ideas of this blog, I encourage you to spend some time going back to some of the early posts and working your way, one by one, to each more recent one. Instructions for doing this can be found in blue letters toward the bottom of this post.

Practice Session

Today’s practice post utilizes a fun Luann comic.

Here we see that Luann has tried on a costume and she and her friend, Bernice, discuss how it makes her look. Bernice provides some criticism to Luann.

I like some of the way Luann responds to Bernice’s criticism. Some opinions are shared, no one ends up getting physically hurt and any hurt feelings that perhaps does occur during their interchange probably won’t result in a loss of a friendship. But, I can think of some ways Luann could have responded differently that would have struck me as more mature.

What about you? I’d like you think about this for a minute and see if you can come up with a way that is clearly more mature then Luann’s approach. Imagine, if you will, the specific words Luann could have used and how she might have said them that would lead you to feel that her response as a whole is more mature than the response that she uses in the comic. After you give this a try, you can have some fun comparing what you came up with, with what I came up with.

My Thoughts

First, I thought about the four levels of responding to criticism. I have them written down in a convenient place, so I went and checked out what they say. I notice that of the various levels of maturity, one of the highest levels is level four. It is described as follows:

4. Level 4 individuals listen to the criticizer in a supportive, warm, friendly style, and then make it clear that they fully understand what was said. Moreover, they put the criticizer at ease by making statements that indicate that the wise learn from criticism. Some time is spent on showing that they are thinking about the criticism. If, after thinking about the criticism the criticism is deemed to be correct, they make a statement frankly indicating, “I can see your ideas have merit and I intend to use them in the future.” If they are not sure if they agree, they make a statement indicating that they are very interested in what was said, plan to think a little more about this over the next few days and then they will be ready to discuss this further. If, after thinking about the criticism, the criticism is deemed to be incorrect, a statement is made designed to disagree without being disagreeable. More specifically, a sense of humor, some listening in a caring way and a few smiles help to traverse rough terrain. As the episode winds down, the criticizer is encouraged to feel comfortable communicating suggestions in the future.

After reading this description of a level four response, I then thought further about how I would change Luann’s response so it is more mature.

I notice that in the third frame of the comic Luann responds as follows:

Luann’s response here strikes me as defensive. I can certainly understand why she has become defensive. Nevertheless, to be more in line with a more mature response, I would have her say instead,

“Thanks for your honest opinion, Bernice. One of the things I like about you is that I can count on you to tell me straight what’s on your mind. Yeah, we both agree that I don’t have the perfect body for this kind of outfit. Do you have anything else you want to say to me about this?”

Then, I looked at the fourth panel of the comic:

Here, Bernice criticizes the outfit as demeaning, and since Luann is planning to wear it, Bernice can be viewed as indirectly criticizing Luann. In response, Luann puts her hands on her hips and leans back while saying, “You obviously don’t know who Zeye is, Bernice.” I’m not sure about this because I can’t really hear the tone of voice that Luann is using, but Luann might come across as demeaning Bernice’s lack of knowledge about who Zeye is.

I think Luann would here come across as more mature if she would have instead responded by looking concerned and then replying, “You think this outfit is demeaning. Hmmm. Let me think about this for a few moments.” Then, after some time showing Bernice that her criticism is worth some serious consideration, Luann could have said, “This outfit is just part of who Zeye is. Zeye is not only a babe in a skimpy outfit. She represents a powerful, confident superhero who bravely battles interplanetary evil.”

I then looked at the last frame of the comic:

Here, Bernice clearly feels uncomfortable about women wearing skimpy clothes. In my opinion, Luann’s point is a good one, that is, the public oftentimes gets interested in a character if they find the character is physically attractive. But Luann appears to make her point while glaring at Bernice. She also doesn’t really directly address Bernice’s concern. I would have liked Luann to say something like the following:

“Bernice, you raise an interesting point about skimpy outfits being demeaning. In some societies women have to completely cover their bodies when they go out in public. To do otherwise is thought of as demeaning. These women are only permitted to wear outfits that allow people to see their eyes. The outfits are called niqabs and burkas. I think they are demeaning to women. When we go to the beach, we wear bikinis. When we go to certain parties, wearing a low-cut dress is considered OK. So, the way I look at this, what is deemed as demeaning depends somewhat on the culture and different social settings. Let me think about this some more. It’s a fascinating subject, Bernice. What do you think of burkas for women, Bernice?”

If Luann had replied in this way, she would have shown Bernice that she respected her opinion enough to give it some real thought. By asking a question to clarify how Bernice thinks about the topic would show her even more that Luann values her opinion.

And so, these are some thoughts that I had while trying to come up with a more mature response for Luann. In providing them to my readers, I don’t mean to suggest that my response is the only “real” mature response that can be made in similar situations. There are a variety of styles and approaches that can be legitimately viewed as just as mature as mine, or even more mature. My approach is provided chiefly to get each of you to think more deeply about this issue.

All right! There’s your lesson for today. From time to time, we’ll be playing around with similar practice sessions.

Have a wonderful week!

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Tags criticism, emotional intelligence, emotions, free social intelligence and emotional intelligence curriculum, frustration, Luann comics, maturity, maturity levels, negative criticism

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DEALING WITH INSULTS: LESSONS FROM THE JACKIE ROBINSON STORY

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date April 20, 2013
4 Comments on DEALING WITH INSULTS: LESSONS FROM THE JACKIE ROBINSON STORY

Welcome to From Insults to Respect.

Today, to get us to think more deeply about dealing with insults, let’s discuss for few minutes what Jackie Robinson went through when he became the first black major leaguer.

Just before Mr. Robinson began to play in the majors for the Brooklyn Dodgers, the Dodgers’ general manager, Branch Rickey, made it clear to him that he would face criticism in the form of the most vile insults. If he was to play, Robinson had to show the courage to not return insults with insults or to lose his temper and jeopardize the chances of all the blacks who would follow him if he could help break down the race barriers.

If Mr. Robinson couldn’t return the insults, could nothing be done? On one particular day when fans were being particularly insulting to Mr. Robinson, the smallest ballplayer on his team, Pee Wee Reese, stepped out of the dugout. Mr. Reese was a beloved player with the fans for his hustling play. He stepped over to Mr. Robinson, put his arm around him and stood by his side.

This gesture was discussed around the country, and even today. And a monument honoring this moment stands tall and strong in Brooklyn.

If you go by it some day and watch for a while, from time to time you’ll see a grandfather describing to his grandson how the statue symbolizes what can be done even by two men who responded to insults without returning insults. I must admit that I’m no kid anymore, and yet, whenever I walk by that statue, I get all misty inside.

A few years ago, the movie, “42” came out.

The film beautifully develops the relationship between Reese and Robinson. At first, most of Robinson’s teammates reject him. “I’m not playing with any niggers!” cries one teammate. “If we let him play, pretty soon the team owners will be bringing up more of them, and they’ll be all taking our jobs!”

“But,” says Pee Wee Reese, “we always knew that if the owners could find someone who could do our jobs better than us then we’d be sent down to the minors. We always accepted that as fair when it was white guys who might take our jobs. Why is it any different just because of the color of a guy’s skin?”

“It just is,” came the reply, but with a voice a little less self-assured.

In time, Robinson’s approach to dealing with insults on the field acquired for him more and more sympathy. Of course there were times when the insults began to get to Robinson, but he would seek to deal with his anguish either in private, with Branch Rickey, or with his lovely wife. On the field he was all about showing what he could do, and it was sometimes disappointing and sometimes magnificent. There are always heroes in baseball, and Robinson glistened in that role on more than a few occasions.

Perhaps the finest moments in the movie come about just after we meet a father and son sitting in the seats of a Brooklyn Dodger game. When Pee Wee Reese is announced as the captain of the Dodgers, the fans in the seats, including this father and son duo, begin to cheer. The boy, a bit of a pee wee himself, tells his father that Reese is his favorite, all-time greatest player ever!

Then Jackie Robinson’s name is called, and he jogs on to the field with some supportive cries, but many, many insulting cries as well.

We then see a close-up of the father and son. The father cries out, “Get off the field you lousy nigger.” Others in the crowd cry out similar sentiments. And before long, the father’s son begins to shout, “Get off the field you lousy nigger!”

But it is at this moment, Reese, who was fielding ground balls at shortstop, pauses, then trots over to Robinson at first base. “How’s it going?” Reese says to Robinson, with a friendly smile.

We see the young boy in the stands, watching on, looking confused, as Reese continues to shoot the breeze in a friendly exchange with Robinson. When a wave of insults for Robinson comes from a portion of the stands, Reese puts his arm around Robinson, and continues to chat with him, smiling, patting him on the shoulder.

Then the umpire calls out to Reese, “This isn’t a social club, let’s play ball.” Reese again pats Robinson on his back, and then trots back to his position at shortstop.

Once again, we see the young boy, and he has now stopped calling Robinson insulting names.

And we see that soon afterwards most of his teammates begin to change their minds and to treat Robinson like a fellow human being.

In my recent blog posts, I’ve been discussing the ABCs of Power (see for example, (The ABCs of Power: The Letter “A”). In the movie, “42”, we don’t see how Robinson worked to employ the very first source of power on The ABCs of Power list–Advancing skill. But there is no doubt that Robinson worked for years on becoming the star athlete that he became.

His skill at projecting the highest levels of maturity when criticized enormously increased the respect that he garnered during his day to day performance. History teaches us that it was Robinson’s use of these skills that secured for him the source of power known as Coalition, as he united with Branch Rickey, Pee Wee Reese, and ultimately, with his many fans, that turned a dream into a magnificent achievement.

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THE ABCs OF POWER AND THE GUILT CONDITION

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date April 13, 2013
2 Comments on THE ABCs OF POWER AND THE GUILT CONDITION

For the past few weeks I have been discussing personal power. Power is the skill to achieve your desires. To help people to come up with plans to achieve their desires, we have been constructing a list, in alphabetical order, of sources of power. We are calling this list the ABCs of Power. So far, the list looks like this:

THE ABCs OF POWER

A=Advancing Skill (see The ABCs of Power: The letter “A”)

B=Breaking Down a Conflict into its Three Conditions: Desire, Interference and Guilt (see The ABCs of Power: The Letter “B”)

C=Coalitions (see The ABCs of Power: The Letter “C”).

Each of these sources of power do not instantly provide us with a plan that is specific enough to achieve our desires. Rather, when we feel stuck in coming up with a specific plan, these sources of power can guide us along a path that leads us to discover a specific plan.

As I have already mentioned, the best way to learn how to use the sources of power is to look at a variety of examples of people using the ABCs of Power. To that end, we have recently looked at an example of someone who had a desire to feel less lonely, and found utilizing the sources of power led to a plan that successfully achieved his desire. We also looked at an example of someone who was being bullied when he went for a drink at a water fountain.

Today we will look at a fresh new example.

Eugene and Doreen (Illustrations by Eric Sailer)

Eugene and Doreen recently divorced after ten years of marriage. They have three children. Doreen takes care of them during weekdays, and then, according to a legal agreement, she is to bring them on Saturday morning at 10 to Eugene’s house. Eugene is supposed to return them by eight PM on Sunday evening. Over the past two months, Eugene was late in returning the children to Doreen’s house on three different occasions. After the first time that Eugene was late, Doreen said nothing. “Better to keep things cool for the sake of the kids,” she thought. After the second time, she still kept quiet, but inside she was fuming. On the third occasion, Doreen blew up at Eugene as he was retuning the kids.

“How dare you bring the kids back an hour late? Can’t you tell time? You’re always late. It’s just like you!”

“You dropped them off late in the first place!” he yells back. “You can’t take my time with the kids and then not expect me to bring them back late. I already see them way less than you!”

“The kind of father you’ve been to the kids you shouldn’t get to see them at all!”

The two end up storming away from each other, leaving the children distressed.

Eugene recognizes that this conflict is not good for the kids, and it’s not doing him a whole lot of good either. But he has been unable to come up with a resolution that he likes. Even by focusing first on the desire component of the conflict and then on the interference component, he has met with absolutely no success. His mind keeps thinking about all of the wrongs that he believes Doreen has done during their relationship, and he ends up obsessing on all of these wrongs. Now he decides to spend some time focusing on the guilt component, which is kind of what he has been doing when he spends time obsessing over these wrongs. However, when he decides to focus on the guilt component, he understands he is to do this in a very specific manner.

To focus on this component, like focusing on any of the other two components, he must first use the DIG pattern to describe the conflict. The letters in the word DIG remind him to describe first the desire, then the interference, and then the guilt. He says to himself, “I desire to have a full weekend with the kids, and interfering with this, Doreen has been regularly bringing them to me on Saturday morning over an hour late. I believe she is guilty of being wrong for being angry when I bring them back on Sunday at a time that makes up for her lateness.”

After describing the conflict from his perspective, Eugene tries to describe it, as best he can, from Doreen’s perspective. “Doreen,” he says to himself, “desires that I always bring the kids back at 8 PM Sunday evening, but interfering with this, she perceives that there are times when I will bring them back late. She believes I am guilty of being wrong for bringing the kids back late even when she has been late dropping them off on Saturday.”

As he comes up with this description, Eugene realizes that Doreen has other unresolved conflicts with him that involve her angry memories about mistakes he has made in the past, and he has additional unresolved conflicts with her. By using the DIG pattern of describing his conflict, he has come to better understand this. He had seen all the other conflicts with her as all one big amorphous conflict. This made it much harder to figure out any reasonable resolution. He now realizes that perhaps it will be much better if he focuses just on one conflict at a time, a conflict that can be clearly stated.

“Now, not only am I going to just focus on this one conflict, but I’m also going to just focus on the guilt component of the conflict. This requires that I ask myself the following question— Can I do something so that the guilt part of the conflict will be reduced or eliminated?”

As Eugene ponders this question, he finds himself saying, “What can I do so that I don’t view Doreen as guilty of being wrong in this situation, and what can I do to convince Doreen that I am not guilty of being wrong?” Suddenly, Eugene remembers that the issue Doreen felt he was most guilty of throughout their marriage was that he didn’t listen to her. “Whatever I do to resolve this conflict, it would be best if Doreen ends up feeling that I really listened to her. Otherwise she will remain so angry that she will refuse to do anything to resolve the conflict.”

As Eugene crafts his plan, he realizes that when he calls her to discuss this issue, she will view it as a situation in which he is providing criticism to her. “I better review the providing criticism level 5 description. And at some point in our conversation, Doreen will be criticizing me. To prepare for our conversation, I better review the level 5 description for responding to criticism.”

After studying those two descriptions, he starts to imagine different ways he can respond to Doreen so that she clearly feels he is listening to her and that he is using skills consistent with the highest levels of maturity. Some of the comments he imagines Doreen will make anger him so much that he has to spend a few days utilizing the anger techniques that we discussed earlier. Finally, he believes he has come up with a plan that’s worth a try.

RING!

“Hello,” says Doreen answering her phone.

“Hello Doreen, it’s me, Eugene.” He had to practice making sure he could say this without bitterness in his voice.

“What do you want, Eugene?”

“First, I want to say I’m sorry about how I spoke to you in front of the children last Sunday. I know that wasn’t helpful at all. I would like to get together with you sometime this week without the kids around so that we can discuss how we can better deal with the lateness problem we’ve been having.”

“Is that Daddy?” their daughter asks Doreen. Eugene can hear this on his end of the phone line.

“Yes,” answers Doreen. “Now be quiet. I’m trying to talk.”

“I hear the kids are in the room,” says Eugene. “Let’s set up a time when we can talk without the kids overhearing us. I don’t think it’s good for them to hear us quarreling.”

“I don’t know what there is to talk about!” says Doreen sharply. “Just bring the kids back when you’re supposed to. I can’t believe you have the nerve to complain about my being a little late on a few occasions when you didn’t even show up half the time for the kids’ big events when we were married. There was Judy’s play, Mark’s little league games, I can go on and on.”

This is extremely hard for Eugene to hear, especially because he knows the kids are in earshot. But he has prepared himself well, and he manages to keep listening to Doreen without interrupting. When he is sure she has finished with all that she wants to say, he summarizes her key points, agrees that there is much merit in what she has to say, and then he adds, “You are right that I was far from an ideal dad in the past. I’m sorry that I disappointed you, myself, and most of all, the kids. I really do want to try to do better. That’s why I’m asking you to meet without the kids to discuss our latest problem. Please tell me a good time for us to do this.”

“I think it’s a waste of time, but how about next Sunday, when you bring the kids back. I’ll have my mom here to watch the kids and we can go for a walk. Is that okay?”

“Thank you, Doreen. I’ll see you then.”

That Sunday, Eugene returns the kids a few minutes early in an effort to make certain he would not be late.

“Thank you for setting this up with your mom,” Eugene says in a pleasant tone as he and Doreen begin their walk. He is making an effort to start their conversation on a positive note. “I know how busy you are.”

“A full time job and raising kids is pretty exhausting,” she replies sounding a bit harried.

“Yes it is, Doreen.”

Doreen then launches into her outrage that Eugene has the nerve to make a big thing about her coming late a few times. “If you bring them home late, it messes up our whole routine and the kids don’t get the sleep they need, and the next day at school they’re wild.”

“I can see your argument is a good one, Doreen. If you bring the kids to me late on Saturday morning it’s just me that loses out. If I bring the kids home late on Sunday, not only are you put out, but the kids get messed up too. What I did without discussing it with you clearly isn’t an acceptable solution to my problem. I should have discussed this with you first. I know I was wrong and I apologize.”

“Well I’m glad you understand,” Doreen replies, her tone beginning to sound a little less angry.

“I do treasure my time with the kids, Doreen. Is there anything you can come up with that you think would be fair when you come late on Saturday morning?”

Doreen again goes into how often he was late in the past. “If I’m late a few times it serves you right for how many times you were late in the past!” she concludes.

As Doreen speaks, Eugene makes sure he does not interrupt her and that he makes it clear he is listening and trying to see the merits and legitimacy in her point of view. He attempts to communicate his understanding of her viewpoint by checking his understanding every few minutes. This involves summarizing what he has heard her say and then pausing to see if she is satisfied with his summary.

As he listens to her list of criticisms, he is tempted to say that she deserves to be punished for all the things she’s done wrong, but he realizes that providing negative criticism to her now would not be a productive approach. Doreen would start to go down her list of all the things he did wrong in the past once again, which he is already well aware of. He could then go down all the things she has done wrong over the years, something he’s already done with her on numerous occasions. In the end, they would end up getting nowhere on the conflict he came to discuss.

“Doreen, I understand why you feel I should be punished for the many mistakes I made over the years. In my mind, I am being punished for them. For example, you got the house, and you know how much I love that place. And I only get to see the children two days a week. Going through the divorce was hard on both of us. Please suggest another way we can work out this lateness problem.”

“Don’t you understand, bringing them back late on Sunday is out of the question.”

“I understand that, Doreen. Can we make up the time some other way?”

“Well, how about this? If you feel I’m dropping them off too late on Saturday morning, tell me and we’ll figure out together when you can make up the time. The kids have some Monday’s off from school every now and then, like Presidents day. Maybe you can make up the time on a Sunday when there’s no school on Monday.”

“I like that idea, Doreen. So, when I feel that I want to make up some lost time I should contact you and arrange a time to make up the time.”

After this issue is agreed upon, Doreen talks a little more about some difficulties she’s having with the kids of late, and Eugene uses his best listening skills. As they return to the house, Eugene again thanks Doreen for agreeing to discuss this problem.

Afterwards, Doreen is much less likely to bring the kids late on Saturday mornings, and when she is late, it’s just a few minutes. Eugene never bothers to ask to make up the time, for it really hasn’t amounted to anything significant. He too, on occasion, has brought the kids back a little late but Doreen understands that this will happen from time to time. Both he and Doreen are pleased with how this conflict had been resolved.

Notice that Eugene, upon focusing on the guilt component of the conflict, came to realize that Doreen not only thought he was wrong for bringing the kids home late on Sunday evening, but also about not listening to her whenever she spoke to him. By improving his listening skills and by apologizing for his mistakes in the past, including bringing the kids home late on a Sunday evening, this helped to reduce the intensity of the conflict. Once this occurred, Doreen became more open to working out a resolution with which both parties felt comfortable.

In sum, the source of power that we have been discussing encourages you to break down the conflict into its three conditions, then to come up with an idea to make a change in just one of them, and then to see if the change might lead to the rest of the conflict becoming easier to manage.

To be an effective source of power, we found that it must be coordinated with the other skills we learned. For example, utilizing the knowledge about the Responding to Criticism Rating System and the Providing Negative Criticism Rating System helped Eugene resolve his conflict with Doreen.

The source of power that has you breaking down a conflict into its three conditions, like all sources of power, cannot immediately provide a specific plan that will resolve a conflict. Nevertheless, when you are having difficulty resolving a conflict, the perspective that occurs when you focus on just one of the three conditions will often help you to create a valuable plan that might have otherwise been overlooked.

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Tags ABCs of Power, anger, conflict, criticism, dig for the conflict, guilt, insults, maturity levels, negative criticism, parenting, sources of power, wisdom

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THE ABCs OF POWER: THE LETTER “C”

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date April 1, 2013
7 Comments on THE ABCs OF POWER: THE LETTER “C”

On this blog I often discuss mature ways to handle situations in which we feel that we are being insulted (see for example, RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: FOUR LEVELS OF MATURITY).

Many people after reading several of these posts find that situations that previously gave them difficulty can now be handled with great confidence. As a result, they find that people have begun to treat them with an increased level of respect.

Although this is a major step in the right direction, some find that although they can apply the skills discussed in this blog with people whom they perceive as having either equal or less power over them, when they face people whom they perceive as having more power, they suddenly lose their nerve.

They end up remaining silent on the outside and quivering on the inside. Or they get defensive and find themselves overreacting to some innocent comment. What can be done to help people to deal better with these types of situations?

When people learn the ABCs of power, they come to realize that they have far more power than they ever thought they had. And once they come to realize this, they enter into many more types of situations in which they previously felt powerless with a level of confidence that commands respect.

It is for this reason that we have begun to construct a list of sources of power. The list is arranged in alphabetical order. So far we have introduced the source of power that begins with the letter “A” (see the ABCs OF POWER: THE LETTER “A”) and the source of power that begins with the letter “B” (see the ABCs OF POWER: THE LETTER “B”). Today, we turn our attention to the letter “C.”

C is for Coalition

A coalition occurs when two or more people form an alliance to better achieve a goal.

In this Peanuts comic, the simplest example of forming a coalition is illustrated. Sally believes she can better achieve her goal of doing well in school if she can get Charlie Brown to help her. She requests Charlie’s assistance in her own sweet style and within a matter of moments he has agreed.

It is oftentimes amazing that just by asking people for help on a project how often some people will agree.

If you are having difficulty coming up with a way to achieve one of your desires, consider asking yourself, “Is there a way I can form a coalition with one or more people so that I can achieve the desire?”

Some Examples of Utilizing the “Coalition” Source of Power

As an example, let’s say Charlie Brown sometimes feels lonely and some people begin to tease him about having no friends.

At first, he feels he is helpless to do anything about this. He becomes alienated at life, and when he has insults thrown at him about this, he begins to imagine getting revenge. But then he begins to learn how coalitions can increase his power.

Because Charlie Brown likes to play baseball, he decides to invite people he knows to play on his team. Before long, he gets the neighborhood kids together to participate on a team he manages. As a result, Charlie Brown becomes less lonely and he gets to play more baseball.

When you form a coalition, you may still get criticized. If you learn the skills taught on this blog to handle criticism, your coalition may lead to more positives than negatives.

At least with a coalition you get to decide if the criticism that you have to deal with is worth being part of the group or not. Having some choice can often be better then having none at all.

In our example, although Charlie Brown’s managerial skills are often criticized, there is no one who seems to want to replace him as the manager. The kids have been showing up and participating in a shared activity, and he is thus less lonely than he would be if he were sitting home all alone. In the end, Charlie Brown feels his use of the source of power known as “coalitions” was a great benefit to him.

Consider another example:

In my novel, A Hero Grows in Brooklyn, Steve Marino is one of the main characters. As he is growing up, Steve observes how his father uses his fists to try to bully people into doing what he wants. Eventually, Steve’s dad ends up in prison.

At one point, a friend asks Steve whom he respects most in this world:

“My Uncle Ricky.”

“How come?”

“I guess it’s because instead of trying to beat you up to get you to do something, he has a way of doing fun things with you and forming bonds like that. He used to take me to Yankee games and hit fly balls to me, and man, whenever he asked me to do something, I’d do it in an instant—not because I was afraid of him, but because I loved him.

“My Uncle Ricky has a group of friends who call themselves the Brooklyn Barons. He goes bowling with them and they play softball also. Doing these things together somehow made a bond between these guys, and if any one of them needs help all they need to do is ask and the rest of the guys are there in a split second. These guys aren’t congressmen or people well connected, just regular Joes. But, when Uncle Ricky let out word I needed a job on the docks after school, they went and figured out how to arrange it. And whenever Uncle Ricky needs help loading some wood on his truck, he has all the help he can use. They do it because they want to. I like that. My Uncle Ricky, he’s just a good guy.”

There are several ways to go about forming a coalition. One of the easiest ways is to join a group that already exists. We discussed earlier how advancing skills can increase your power. Many groups currently exist for people who have an interest in one particular set of skills. If a particular sport is the skill you have been developing, you can call the local “Y” and ask if there are teams forming for the sport you are interested in.

Coed volleyball teams are a great way to meet people. Oftentimes, after a game someone begins to ask if any of the players want to get some pizza or have a drink. In this way people begin to bond with one another.

The local “Art Council” oftentimes has information about groups that have been formed around a particular art. I know people who, over the years, have treasured their quilting club or pottery classes.

Joining a volunteer group is a particularly wise way to increase your power. Members of the community tend to increase their respect for people who help out in this way. Moreover, people who join such groups are oftentimes, by nature, individuals who like to help others.

When you join a group, it’s probably not a great idea to immediately begin to ask for members to help you out. Take a few weeks to be helpful to others and to give the natural process of forming bonds time to develop. After a month or two, when you do need some assistance, make your request in a manner consistent with encouraging caring. For example, you might say something like, “I’m having a problem with my landlord. I’m hoping that some of you might be willing for me to describe it and then let me know if you have any ideas about what I can do about it. I know all of you are really busy and if you don’t have the time for this, I’ll understand.” Then you would wait to see if you get one or more volunteers. For those who don’t volunteer, it is crucial to remain supportive.

On the internet, there are a host of groups that have been formed with the purpose of achieving a common goal. Meetup.com and websites like it include national groups and tons of local ones as well. You type in your area code and a list of the meet-up groups in your area come up. You can also search by activity.

Sometimes the groups in your area do not deal with the exact thing you are interested in. You can still meet with one that comes closest, take some time to get to know the people, and then propose setting up another group that addresses more directly your specific interest.

Belonging to a group fulfills a basic need of people for social interaction. If you learn to utilize this basic need, you will find that in addition to increasing your own personal power, great rewards come from helping others to increase their personal power.

Remember that power is the skill to achieve your desires. When you learn to use the source of power known as “coalitions,” you will find that you will become far better at achieving many of your desires. When you come to recognize this, you will find that your confidence has increased. Then, if someone attempts to insult you, you will feel less threatened. This will allow you to keep your cool and to respond in a wise manner.

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Tags ABCs of Power, anger, bullying, coalitions, conflict, criticism, disrespectful, insults, maturity, maturity levels, respect, wisdom

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IMPLIED CRITICISM: ADVANCED LESSON

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date March 2, 2013
2 Comments on IMPLIED CRITICISM: ADVANCED LESSON

In last week’s post I began to discuss some forms of implied criticism.

In this Dilbert comic that we first looked at in last week’s post, we see that complimenting someone in front of another person can lead to an experience that feels like a subtle form of negative criticism. Learning to recognize not only the most obvious types of negative criticism, but the more subtle forms as well, can improve our ability to handle difficult anger arousing situations.

A single lesson on identifying the more subtle forms of negative criticism is really not sufficient for most of us to actually begin to utilize this skill in a helpful manner. Therefore, today we will practice this skill some more. Then we will look at an example of a woman who is dealing with a challenging interpersonal interaction. We will see that by combining her knowledge of subtle forms of negative criticism with some of the other skills that she has learned from following this blog, a difficult anger arousing situation can have a positive outcome.

Last week, I mentioned that making a suggestion is one form of indirect negative criticism. Let’s take a second look at this.

Suggestions

Often when someone offers a suggestion, a criticism is lurking within the suggestion—sometimes the direct kind and sometimes the implied kind. When Lucy suggests to Charlie Brown that “we just sort of slip away,” it implies that she has evaluated the team’s performance and she does not like it.

In the workplace, terms like “providing feedback” and “input” are often used as alternative terms to “offering a suggestion.”

In addition to complimenting someone in front of another person and making suggestions, another indirect, implied type of negative criticism is making educational recommendations.

Recommending Education

Like the word “suggestion,” whenever you hear the word “instruction,” you would be wise to think that some criticism is most likely close about. In order to make this point concrete, let’s go back to the scenario we used last week that involves Katrina and Betty, but let’s change it a bit.

In this example, instead of looking over to Betty’s wilting tomato plants and then making a suggestion to move the plants to a sunnier area in the garden, Katrina offers to give some “instruction” on how to plant tomatoes. Although Katrina doesn’t directly say she thinks Betty’s skills can use some improvement, why else would she offer to provide her the instruction? When people say, “I think your skills can use some improvement,” it is a form of criticism.

An Example that Utilizes the Skill to Recognize Subtle Forms of Negative Criticism

Let’s go back, once again, to the example we used in last week’s blog post. Betty has invited Katrina over for some tea in her backyard. The sun is shining and the birds are singing a pleasant song. As the two friends chat, Katrina glances over at Betty’s tomato plants.

“Betty,” says Katrina, “let me make a suggestion. Perhaps it would be better if you moved your plants to that sunny patch over there a few yards from your hedge. They’ll get lots of sun there.”

“Listen, Katrina, I don’t care for your coming over here criticizing my gardening skills?”

“Criticize!” yells Katrina. “I didn’t criticize anything! All I did was offer a suggestion!”

Notice that in this example when Katrina provides Betty her “suggestion,” Katrina doesn’t recognize that she has indeed provided Betty negative criticism. And then, when Betty responds to Katrina’s criticism by criticizing Katrina for criticizing her, Katrina gets defensive, shouting at Betty that she didn’t criticize anything!

This example illustrates the problems that can occur when both parties in a conflict are unskilled at dealing with criticism.

Let’s once again change this Katrina-Betty scenario a bit. This time, let’s pretend that Katrina has been reading my blog and therefore she has been getting more and more familiar with some of its basic ideas.

Katrina looks over to Betty’s wilting tomato plants. Betty,” she says, “let me make a suggestion. Perhaps it would be better if you moved your plants to that sunny patch over there a few yards from your hedge. They’ll get lots of sun there.”

“Listen, Katrina, I don’t care for your coming over here criticizing my gardening skills.”

When Katrina hears this, because she has been reading my blog, she quickly recognizes that Betty is now criticizing her. Immediately, the image of a woman comes to her mind:

Then Katrina pauses. She thinks about how she is about to respond to Betty, and notices that she is feeling defensive, and she is about to start shouting at Betty, denying that she has provided any criticism. Katrina then thinks about my blog post titled RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: FOUR LEVELS OF MATURITY. She ends up saying to herself, “That response I was getting ready to give to Betty would be rated a fairly immature level–something like level 2 or 3. What would a more mature level look like?”

Katrina then tries to come up with a response to Betty that would be more like level 4. Katrina also thinks about what she learned about implied criticism from my blog and from this she comes to recognize that Betty is correct.

After a few more seconds of thought, Katrina feels pretty comfortable with the new response that she has come up with and decides to give it a try. She recognizes that if her response doesn’t lead to something positive, she can always summarize in a caring way Betty’s concern and then say that she will think more about this over the next few days (see blog post Summarize and Delay).

And so, Katrina begins to respond to Betty’s angry reply:

“Betty” says Katrina, “you say that you don’t like that I criticized your gardening skills. When I said what I said, I thought I was just offering you a suggestion. But after some thought, I see you are right. My suggestion does imply that I criticized your gardening skills.”

“It certainly did!” Betty says.

“I also see, Betty, that you don’t like to be criticized. I really like you a lot, so now that I know this, I’ll try to be more sensitive about that.”

“No one likes to be criticized, Katrina? Do you?”

“Well, Betty, actually I used to have a lot of difficulty dealing with criticism, but now I’m much more comfortable with it. I feel that I can handle it in a warm, friendly way that helps me to understand what others are thinking about me and I learn wisdom from it. There’s still some times when I find that it can be pretty painful to hear, and sometimes my husband gives me so much criticism all at one time that I end up asking him to back off for awhile.”

“That reminds me of today’s Sally Forth comic,” says Betty. And after digging through her newspaper that was sitting on her patio table, Betty shows the comic to Katrina.

Smiling, Katrina says, “Yes, Betty, that comic does captures how I sometimes begin to feel when my husband, Frank, keeps giving me one criticism after another in a real short period of time and I do get so I want to clobber him. Instead, we once discussed it when we weren’t all worked up and angry about something, and we made an agreement. Whenever he begins to criticize me and I’ve had enough, instead of ruining one of his shirts, I just tell him in a loving manner that I’ve had enough for now. He’s agreed to back off whenever I say that, and I do the same thing for him when he asks me to back off for awhile. It’s less expensive then buying a new shirt.”

“Well, Katrina, maybe I am a little too sensitive about being criticized. I think it’s because of how some people in my family criticize me. I have a younger sister, and whenever she criticizes me, she starts to shout and call me an idiot. And I know she knows how to criticize in a nice way because when she’s with her boyfriend, she’s so sweet when she criticizes him. Maybe I should talk with her when we’re not in the middle of a quarrel about it.”

“That’s a great idea, Betty.”

Well, that’s today’s lesson. I hope you found it helpful.

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Tags anger, challenge, conflict, conflict management, criticism, emotions, insults, maturity levels, name calling, negative criticism, respect, types of criticism, wisdom

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UNSOLICITED CRITICISM: GOOD OR BAD?

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date February 17, 2013
13 Comments on UNSOLICITED CRITICISM: GOOD OR BAD?

“Judy, it’s so nice to see you,” I say as she comes into my office and sits down on my couch.

“I’ve been reading your blog again, Dr Rubin. It’s filled with a bunch of hogwash.”

“Hmmm, it sounds like there are some ideas in it that you don’t care for.”

“I read last night two of your blog posts–Is Criticism Bad and Criticism and Wisdom. What a bunch of nonsense!”

“I’m very interested in your point of view, Judy. Please tell me more specifically about what you disagree with in those posts.”

“Well, you talk about this John Stuart Mill. According to him, if people criticize us, even for holding an opinion we are very sure of, we should thank them for it, open our minds to listen to them, and rejoice. That’s ridiculous! If you don’t have something nice to say to somebody you should keep your stupid mouth shut! And, as far as I’m concerned, unless I give someone permission to criticize me, that person has no right to inflict it upon me!”

Judy (not her real name) raises some important issues about unsolicited criticism. And many people have quite a bit of sympathy for her position.

SYMPATHY FOR JUDY’S POSITION

Consider the following comic:

The above Baby Blues comic comically plays around with this idea that you should not offer an opinion to people unless they invite you to give it. In the comic, not only are unsolicited opinions being provided by the girl, but she is actually charging people for the opinion—a double slap in the face.

Why aren’t unsolicited negative criticisms welcomed?

They hurt because it brings up the feeling of “not being liked.” When we come to realize this, we may pause before giving an opinion, which is a type of criticism, and ask ourselves if it is worth the risk of starting a conflict about being liked.

Thomas Jefferson felt that even hurtful criticism should not be against the law, especially when directed against government officials. He felt this way even though he personally experienced criticism as deeply painful. Thus, he wrote to James Monroe that the criticism he received while war governor of Virgina “had inflicted a wound on my spirit which will only be cured by the all-healing grave.”

Despite how very painful criticism was, at times, for Jefferson, he supported the right to provide criticism–even unsolicited criticism–to the end of his life. To Jefferson, freedom to criticize was protection from tyranny.

CRITICISM AND OUR BASIC HUMAN RIGHTS

Judy spoke about her “right” to NOT be given any criticism unless she gives her permission. Does this mean she thinks it is against the law for someone to criticize unless the criticism is invited? Although I am no legal scholar, it is my understanding that the issue of a person’s “rights,” as understood in this country, points the other way. Rather than the right to silence speech, don’t we have a right to speak up whenever we disagree with someone?

It seems to me that insisting that no one has the right to provide another person criticism unless invited to do so just won’t work. The Soviet Union tried to squelch criticism and despite being backed up by an enormous military, failed miserably. Criticism soon oozed out of every joint that government tried to seal.

CRITICISM IS COMING OUR WAY WHETHER WE LIKE IT OR NOT

My mother, whom I loved dearly, passed away a few years back. She was a strong verbal supporter of the proverb–If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. And yet, from time to time, she would frown at something someone would do, and, far more rarely, she would blow-up in an outrage.

I doubt that anyone can live in a manner completely consistent with one of my mother’s favorite proverbs. And any government insisting on this principle would be as successful as the United States was when it went through its period of alcohol prohibition.

The plain fact is that all of us will be provided with negative criticism from time to time. Even if we choose to be a hermit, we’ll probably spend some of our alone time criticizing ourselves.

SINCE IT IS COMING OUR WAY, WE WOULD BE WISE TO LEARN TO DEAL WITH IT

Criticism is just part of our shared human existence. And sometimes something is bugging us about what someone is doing and it can unnecessarily lead to the end of a valued relationship if we don’t discuss it with that person. Rather then seeking to squelch the criticism, we are better off learning to provide it in a wise and thoughtful manner (see post titled PROVIDING NEGATIVE CRITICISM: FIVE LEVELS OF MATURITY), and to respond to it in a wise and thoughtful manner as well (see post titled RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: FOUR LEVELS OF MATURITY.)

Now, don’t misunderstand me. There are times when someone is providing me one criticism after another and it is becoming too much for me to process all at once. There are other times when someone is providing me with criticism that is in a style using a tone of voice that is hard for me to bear. Sometimes I have been bombarded by some other type of stress, and then I come in contact with someone, and I may not be in any mood to hear any criticism for the rest of the day. Under these sets of circumstances, I believe it makes perfectly good sense to briefly let the person I’m with know that I’m usually very open to hearing criticism, but for right now, I need a little break (see blog post SUMMARIZE AND DELAY). Then I can, over a period of time, regain my sense of balance and figure out how best to move forward. And I also think that it is OK to encourage others to provide you criticism in a manner that is easier for you to handle.

My preference is to let anyone that I know clearly understand that I am open to receive criticism most of the time, and I accept that it might feel, at times, hurtful. I feel that to do otherwise may, perhaps, result in people keeping silent to my face but end up talking behind my back. I would be left unable to address the concerns expressed in the criticism. Moreover, I have learned that for me the challenging feelings that come up when I am criticized and are sometimes experienced as hurtful are really part of a helpful emotional process that leads me into deeper thought about the issues that come up upon receiving the criticism. Finally, I think openness to criticism and seeking to address criticism is the path to wisdom.

I also think that people have a higher degree of respect for those who are open to criticism and can respond to it in a self-assured, mature manner. People tend to admire a person who recognizes that even hurtful criticism, when wisely considered, has the potential to be of value; that facing criticism head-on is our only opener of our eyes to the fulness of truth.

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Tags anger, bullied, conflict, criticism, emotional intelligence, emotions, frustration, insults, John Stuart Mill on Liberty, maturity, maturity levels, psychological maturity, respect, types of criticism, wisdom

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INSULTS, LIKING AND FREEDOM

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date February 9, 2013
2 Comments on INSULTS, LIKING AND FREEDOM

Back in April of last year, in a post titled, WHY IS CRITICISM SO HARD TO BEAR?, we began to discuss the fact that when we provide negative criticism to others, they may feel insulted, they may feel that you feel they are not worthy of being liked, and they may feel that you are trying to push them to make some change that should be only for them to freely decide. They, therefore, may become defensive and their anger may become destructive.

Of course, it is not enough to just know that the desire to be liked and the desire to maintain freedom can lead to problems when we provide negative criticism–we also want to know what we can do to either prevent these problems or to resolve them when they come up. To develop these skills, I first presented a post titled PROVIDING NEGATIVE CRITICISM: FIVE LEVELS OF MATURITY. In later posts we began to look at a variety of very specific situations in which negative criticism is provided in a wise and helpful manner (see for example, DEALING WITH CRITICISM: LESSONS FROM DENNIS THE MENACE and DENNIS THE MENACE AND CRITICISM: AN ADVANCED LESSON).

In order to learn these skills at a level at which it becomes second nature even in emotionally arousing situations, from time to time I will be returning to this topic. By providing a wide range of examples over an extended period of time, readers will become better and better at applying these skills. To this end, today, we will look at some new situations in which the use of these skills are considered.

PRACTICE USING THE KNOWLEDGE ABOUT THE DESIRE TO BE LIKED

There are many people who don’t like to receive negative criticism. Some people, therefore, insist that if you don’t have anything positive to say, don’t say anything at all. And yet, there are occasions when the risk of starting a conflict because of providing negative criticism does makes sense.

Let’s say I like Marie, and it is pretty clear she likes me. But there is one thing Marie does that is making me feel like I want to end our relationship—when she criticizes me, she uses a very nasty tone that involves shouting, name calling, and glares.

In this example, Marie hasn’t asked me for my opinion, but I nevertheless decide that it’s worth a shot to confront her about the way she criticizes me because both of us may benefit from solving this problem. What might be a skillful way to go about providing her this negative criticism? Let me give you one approach to consider.

Knowing that when people are criticized it often brings up a “liking” conflict, I might present my comments by first trying to find a time when we are alone and she appears to be pretty open and relaxed. Criticizing someone who is already distressed with feelings of being unloved is unwise because they are very likely to resist hearing you out.

When I do find the right time, I might say, “Marie, I sure like you a lot. You’re smart, and most of the time you treat me in a very caring way that I really love. I am having difficulty with this one problem though. There are times I do something that you don’t like, and when you confront me, you do it in a tone that’s beginning to get to me.”

Notice how I began my comments by reassuring her that I like her. Then I gave her a few specific examples of what I like about her. This helps to fulfill her desire to be liked. Once this desire is fulfilled to some degree, it can potentially decrease the intensity of the conflict as we attempt to solve the problem.

After I provide the criticism, it is crucial that I give Marie a chance to respond without interrupting her. I would wait until she is completely finished, and then summarize what she has said without a tone of defensiveness. After my summary, before making any additional points, I would see if she is satisfied with my summary. It seems to me it is essential that I do my best to show Marie I have fully listened to what she has to say on this topic.

Practice Using the Knowledge About the Desire to Maintain Freedom

Another approach to consider when we suspect someone might experience defensiveness when criticized is to empower the person who is the target of the criticism. Here’s an example:

“Hi Fred. Last time we got together we had quite an argument.”

“Yeah, you made some stupid suggestion.”

“I know you disagreed with it, Fred. I’ve been thinking a lot about these arguments. I think I get so into them that I start pushing you too hard to change your mind. It comes across as pushy and like I am getting in the way of your freedom to make your own decisions.”

“Yeah, it does come off as real pushy. You don’t know when to back off!”

“I understand. Well, I really value our friendship so I want to change that. I’d like to set up a couple of rules that I’m willing to agree to follow from now on. First, if I bring up a topic you don’t want to talk about, I’d like you to tell me you don’t want to talk about it. I promise I’ll silence myself immediately. Second, if we start getting into a discussion, at any point you have had enough, just say, “Enough!” and that will signal to me to drop the topic. Do you think that might help us to get along a little better?”

“Well, if you really do drop the topic when I tell you, it could help.”

“I’m determined to stick to my promise. If I can’t, it will be my fault. I’m sorry for being so pushy in the past.”

Notice how this plan puts at least some of the responsibility for the unwanted arguments between Fred and myself squarely on my shoulders. It also gives some power to Fred. It makes it clear to Fred that he now has a way to get me to back off when he no longer wants to engage. Also, I agree to follow these rules and admit that if I don’t follow them the fault rests with me.

Of course, if Fred were to signal to me that he wanted to drop a topic by using angry shouting, I might seek to change our plan a bit. I could explain to Fred that I have a hard time dealing with someone shouting at me. Then I can ask him to signal me to drop a topic by using some silent signal like a palm down wave of his hand. We call this “a silent back-off signal.”

The skill to empower those who have a tendency to become defensive when criticized is a powerful tool. It avoids unnecessary conflicts about freedom.

It Can be Challenging to Learn these Types of Skills to Deal with Criticism

It’s interesting that some people, even when they realize that providing criticism at a given point in time is not the best thing to be doing, have a hard time refraining.

In the above Sally Forth comic, Sally seems to desire to be helpful and yet she does something she knows will not be helpful. This one incident doesn’t mean she will never be able to make the change that makes sense to her. Sometimes we have to work on making changes over a period of time.

Seeing ourselves make mistakes while we are trying to make a change may lead to criticizing ourselves. In the following Luann comic, notice that Toni calls her mouth stupid while she criticizes herself.

Most of us desire to like ourselves. To feel the blues deeply while knowing that mistakes are part of the learning process is a different bluesy feeling than the feeling we get when we think a mistake means we are unchangeably bad. The “learning” bluesy feeling is more hopeful. Learning to be kind to yourself when you make a mistake is an important step in learning to be kind to others when you see them make mistakes.

SUMMARY

Today we practiced using the knowledge about two major reasons why providing negative criticism can be difficult. The two major reasons are:

Many people associate criticism with not being liked.
Many people associate criticism with an attempt to reduce their freedom to make their own decisions.

Once we begin to recognize these types of conflicts, we are in a better position to come up with plans to either resolve them or to lower their intensity. If we like the person whom we are about to criticize, providing reassurance about our esteem, using some specific examples of what we like about the person, is a valuable skill to learn. For people who tend to get defensive when criticized, suggesting the use of a “silent back-off signal” can empower them to deal more effectively with criticism. To learn these skills so they can be used even during trying times takes time. Learning to be kind to yourself when you make a mistake along the way is an important step in learning to be kind to others when you see them make mistakes.

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Tags anger, bullied, conflict, conflict management, criticism, disrespectful, emotional intelligence, maturity, maturity levels, negative criticism, psychological maturity, respect, second nature, threats, types of criticism, wisdom

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DEALING WITH CRITICISM: LESSONS FROM DENNIS THE MENACE

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date January 19, 2013
3 Comments on DEALING WITH CRITICISM: LESSONS FROM DENNIS THE MENACE

In a recent post (Dealing with Criticism by Digging Deeper) I discussed some difficult situations that may occur when we deal with criticism. There, I mentioned that in these types of situations, it can be helpful to do our best to describe what the criticizer’s most obvious desire is for providing the criticism and then to look to see if there are any other desires that might be involved. To help us to dig a little deeper to find any of the other important desires in a difficult situation, I provided readers with two types of tools to dig, two types of shovels to dig, if you will.

a. look for the desire to be liked or loved.

b. look for the desire to be free to make one’s own decision.

Today, we begin to get some practice utilizing these two shovels.

PRACTICE

Consider the following Dennis the Menace comic:

In this comic, obviously, Dennis’s mother desires that he straighten up his room. What other desires are important to consider? It appears to me that Dennis’s mother is glaring at him. Hmmm?

When a boy hears his mom criticizing him in this way, there’s a chance his desire to be liked will feel threatened. Is there also a chance that there is another important desire in this challenging situation?

As criticism is being provided to us, we often begin to think something like, “I’m not going to let this person push me into doing something I don’t want to do. I’ll do whatever I want, and I don’t need anyone pushing me around.” This stance is part of what we call defensiveness.

EASING THE LIKING PROBLEM

When the desire to be liked and loved raises its mischievous head, we can let the person who has been criticized know that he is liked. This is what Dennis’s friend, Gina, does to lower the intensity of Dennis’s anger in the comic.

When Gina tells Dennis that his mom will cry if he leaves, Dennis is reminded that his mom really does love him.

Then Gina explains to Dennis that not only will his mom miss him, so too will his dad and dog. Dennis ends up deciding to resolve his conflict and go back home. Gina helped to resolve the conflict by focusing on easing the “liking” problem in this conflict.

Now let’s consider what we can do to help to resolve the problems in this situation by focusing on easing the “freedom” problem.

EASING THE FREEDOM PROBLEM

In the Dennis the Menace comic, while criticizing him, his mom could have offered Dennis the freedom to choose between two times to pick up his room. More specifically, she could have said something like this: “Dennis, I sure love you. It’s so much fun to have you around. It’s getting about that time to clean up your room. Do you want to do it now, or in an hour from now?” By giving a child a choice, a parent can come off as less bossy.

To help to come up with these types of ideas, the one thing I tend to do before providing criticism is to pause. Recognizing that I am about to provide criticism, and knowing that people tend to get defensive about not being liked and having their freedom threatened, I think about how to ease any perceived threat to these two desires.

SUMMARY

Many people associate criticism with not being liked.
Many people associate criticism with an attempt to reduce their freedom to make their own decisions.

Once we learn to be skillful at recognizing these types of conflicts, we are in a better position to come up with plans to either resolve them or to lower their intensity. Therefore, in future posts I will be frequently providing examples that allows the reader to practice this skill.

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DEALING WITH CRITICISM BY DIGGING DEEPER

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date January 12, 2013
2 Comments on DEALING WITH CRITICISM BY DIGGING DEEPER

“I’ve been reading your blog posts, Dr. Rubin,” Judy says sounding annoyed. “You are making everything sound way too complicated.”

“I’m pleased that you’ve been checking it out,” I reply. “I’d love to hear more about your reactions.”

“Well, yesterday I went over to pick up my friend, Sue, to go to a party. She was wearing an outfit that was almost identical to mine. So I told Sue I didn’t like what she was going to wear. If we went to the party in the same outfits we’d look like the Bobbsey twins. We’d look ridiculous. Sue quickly saw that I was right and changed her clothes. Then we decided that in the future, whenever we plan to go to a party together, we’ll check with each other before we pick out what we’ll wear. So, you see, without going through all of your stupid ‘DIG,’ desire, interference, guilt, nonsense, I provided negative criticism to Sue, and we worked it out just fine.”

“I like the way you dealt with it, Judy, especially how you made plans to prevent the same problem from recurring. Checking with each other before choosing your outfits makes a good deal of sense. Well done!”

A glorious smile graces Judy’s face.

“Judy, I also agree with you to a large extent about using the DIG Conflict Model to deal with criticism. In many situations, perhaps even most situations, there is no good reason to go through the steps I’ve been describing in my blog posts. As long as the issues are simple enough to understand easily and if whatever approach you are in the habit of using leads you to a comfortable resolution, then, by all means, you don’t have to bother using the DIG Conflict Model.”

“There are times that I do get defensive or confused,” Judy allows. “I know there are times I get defensive, and I’ve said some things even recently that I now regret.”

“I want to hear about those regrets, Judy. At the same time, it takes a special kind of learning to handle defensive feelings. I think it would be helpful if we first rehearsed a plan that can increase the respect you will feel for yourself. It has to be well rehearsed because when people get defensive, they oftentimes have trouble thinking as clearly as when they calm down and have some time to think things over. It’s also helpful to learn to get comfortable with this new way of thinking by discussing someone else’s conflicts, rather than discussing events that directly happened to you. This will allow you to look at this new approach more objectively. Once you get the ideas down so that you can smoothly work with them, then it will be far easier to apply them to events that are occurring in your own life. So, if it’s okay with you, Judy, let’s return to my Charlie Brown comic that I used in my last blog post.”

“Well, I do want to get you back on my recent regret, but I love the Peanuts characters, especially Lucy. Go ahead, Dr. Rubin, let’s hear one of your lessons.”

FIRST, LET’S REVIEW THE OLD LESSONS

“Okay! First, please read again the Peanuts comic we looked at in our last lesson:

Judy, after reading it, smiles, and says, “Okay, now what?”

“Let’s review some key points, Judy. From the ideas we have been discussing over the last few months, what do you think Charlie Brown can do in this type of situation that will be helpful?”

“He can tell himself that it is good that he has begun to criticize himself in this situation. Criticism, if handled skillfully, is the path toward wisdom.” (see blog post titled, Is Criticism Bad?)

“Excellent! What else might be helpful for him to do?”

“Think about how he is likely to criticize himself, and rate that style using the skills in my post Providing Negative Criticism: Five Levels of Maturity. If Charlie Brown already started to criticize himself before he did this, it would help him to look at the style he has begun to use, and then rate that. After rating the style, it would help him to see if he could come up with a more mature style that would match either a 4 or 5 level. To help him do this, he might work a little on summarizing his problem using the word, “DIG.” That will help him to dig for his desire, what is interfering with his desire, and what he feels guilty about.” (see Dig For The Conflict)

“Very impressive, Judy. You’re a fine student. If Charlie Brown asked you to summarize his conflict, what would you say?”

“Charlie Brown, you seem to desire that you not yell at your baby sister, but the fact that you did has led you to perceive that, interfering with your desire, you are likely to continue yelling at her. You appear to feel guilty for your actions by saying you hate yourself.”

NOW, THE NEW MATERIAL

“Well, Judy, I can see that you’re now ready to move on to some new material. After you get skilled at summarizing the most obvious conflict in a difficult situation, it’s then helpful to use the word “DIG” to remind you to dig a little deeper to find other desires that may be important to consider. What other desire do you think Charlie Brown might have that is important to consider in this situation?”

After some thought, Judy replies, “He desires to play with his puzzle, but his sister interfered by messing it up.”

“Yes, Judy, very good. Do you think Charlie Brown thinks his sister is guilty of doing something wrong for messing up the puzzle?”

“Probably not. He seems to recognize that she is only a baby, so he’s not blaming her for what she did.”

“I think you are right, Judy. Now, when we are using the DIG Conflict Model, to have a full conflict we must have all three conditions of a conflict, the desire, the interference, and the guilt. In the problem you just described, we only have the desire and the interference, but no guilt. Even though this is not a full conflict, it may still be very important to consider in this situation. We will be calling this type of problem a DESIRE-INTERFERENCE PROBLEM. And so, when we think about all of the possible problems that might be involved in a difficult situation, we write down a summary of all of the possible conflicts and all of the possible DESIRE-INTERFERENCE PROBLEMS.

“To help us to dig a little deeper to find any of the other important problems in a difficult situation, today I am giving you two types of tools to dig, two types of shovels to dig, if you will. The first shovel is look for the desire to be liked or loved. The other tool is look for the desire to be free to make one’s own decision. I discussed both of these tools (looking for the desire to be loved and looking for the desire to avoid interference with freedom) more thoroughly in my blog post titled, Why is Criticism So Hard To Bear?

“Oh, now I remember that one,” says Judy, as if a light suddenly went on in her head. “You talked about how people, when criticized, might feel that people won’t like them, and why it’s important to consider this when we try to come up with a long term solution to problems.”

“Yes. I also mentioned that when we are criticized we often think that the criticizer wants us to make some change. This criticism might be provided not simply as a suggestion, but the criticizer soon begins to put pressure on us to change even against our will. We may, therefore, become defensive as we begin to desire to make our own life decisions without outside pressure. When we dig deeply into a difficult situation we would be wise if we look at how the “desire to be liked and loved” is involved in the situation and how the desire to “remain free to make our own decisions” is involved in the situation. It helps to write down a summary sentence or two for each of the conflicts that you can see in the difficult situation, each of the desire-interference problems, and then dig deeper using the two shovels, that is, the liking/loving shovel and the protecting freedom shovel. In this way, you will get a list of the problems that all have to be addressed if you wish to create wise and lasting ways to deal with difficult situations.

“Sometimes, when we look at a difficult situation, it all seems to be so complicated, that we just get lost on how to move forward in a helpful way. By using the approach I just described, the big difficult situation is broken down into easier-to-understand problems. Oftentimes, working on making some improvements to deal with each of these easier-to-understand problems, one by one, the larger difficult situation begins to improve.

“In coming weeks, I’ll present examples of how this approach can be very helpful. As we go through them, you’ll become so familiar with this approach that you will find that you can use it even in the most trying situations.”

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Tags anger, conflict, conflict management, criticism, dig for the conflict, emotional intelligence, emotions, frustration, insults, maturity, maturity levels, name calling, negative criticism, psychological maturity, respect, stress, types of criticism, wisdom