Welcome to From Insults To Respect.

Recently, I happened to be listening to Paul McCartney’s fine album, Egypt Station, and my emotions were stirred up by the straight away rocker, “Who Cares.” The first stanza, with its driving beat, sets up its theme:

Did you ever get hurt by the words people say
And the things that they do when they’re picking on you?
Did you ever get sad by the end of the day
When they’re making you feel like a rusty old wheel
That’s been left in the rain

As you can readily see, the experience of being insulted is the song’s theme. As Sir Paul describes it:

With “Who Cares”, I was thinking about a song where you actually are talking to the people who may listen to it. And in my case I was imagining young fans, or young people who might hear this, and who are going through some sort of problem where they’re being picked on, being put on.

These days it would be internet bullying, trolls and all that. In my school days, it would have just been bullies and people just generally picking on each other. So I know that has happened all over the world to millions of people.

So my thing was to kind of try and help, try and help, almost kind-of give some sort of advice.

Now it just so happens that this blog has extensively discussed ways to skillfully respond to this type of experience (see HERE, HERE, and HERE for examples). Mastering such skills so they become second nature even in challenging emotionally arousing situations requires opportunities to practice them over an extended period of time in various fun ways. So, today, for all of you Paul McCartney fans, I thought it would be fun to discuss some relevant ideas with this relevant song.

Some Feelings and Thoughts That I Have When Listening To The Song

The opening verse asks if you ever feel hurt and sad when feeling insulted, which, of course, pretty much all of us have. One of Paul’s great talents is coming up with highly relatable songs, and this one is an excellent example.

Now, when we do feel we are being insulted, how do we go about acting wisely? Paul’s song suggests adopting the following attitude:

Who cares what the idiots say
Who cares what the idiots do
Who cares about the pain in your heart?
Who cares about you?
I do

This stanza suggests that we view those who are insulting us as if they are idiots, not worth spending any time on, and then we are to turn our attention to someone who cares about us in a positive manner. I remember when I was growing up some adults advocating such a strategy, and undoubtedly it has more merit than some others I can think of. For example, I once worked in a juvenile correctional facility and some of those confined there had, when feeling they had been insulted, violently attacked the insulter. Both of the parties in the exchange ended up physically hurt. Moreover, their physical violence led to the costly consequences of dealing with the justice system. So, relative to the violent approaches, Sir Paul’s is, in my opinion, way preferable.

Although, better than some strategies, here at From Insults To Respect, I’ve been advocating that readers add another tool to their resolving conflicts toolbox to deal with insults. What I mean by this is that I’m not suggesting throwing out of your toolbox the approach Paul’s song describes, for you may, after considering the situation, decide it is the one that makes the best sense. However, by adding to your toolbox the following approach, you may discover that many situations can be handled in a far better manner.

The Alternative Tool

Consider the possible benefits of not concluding right off the bat that the insulter is an idiot. Instead, you seek to transform any disrespect the insulter might have for you into him or her liking and respecting you. This involves taking up the attitude of a detective seeking to find out why the person had decided to seek to insult you, and then using some easy to learn techniques to skillfully respond to what you find out.

So, for example, some guy says something to you that strikes you as an insult. The first thing you do with this alternative approach is to shift into your detective attitude. You notice the guy doesn’t appear truly angry, and maybe he has a little twinkle in his eye. You then recall he throws out similar insults to others in a similar manner. The detective in you now guesses that this guy likes to throw out insults in a playful way to light a little spark in his relationships. Now that you have this theory in mind, instead of walking away with the attitude that this guy is an idiot, you smile at him, showing him you can gracefully take a little kidding without getting defensive. He ends up also smiling.

Consider another example. This time when you receive the insult, the detective in you recognizes that you have angered the person because you did make some type of mistake. Rather than walking away with the attitude that the insulter is an idiot, you decide, instead, to agree in a caring manner that you did make a mistake, express that you are sorry, and ask if there is some way you can make it up to the person. The insulter ends up appreciating that you are willing to take the responsibility for making a mistake, and respects you more for having done so.

One more example should suffice for now. This time, you receive an insult, and the detective in you is unable to quickly come up with the reason. You, therefore, have to do some additional detective work, by saying in a concerned voice, “It looks like I upset you. What did I do?” Then, listening in a caring manner to the insulter, and then summarizing what is said shows the insulter you care enough to take seriously what the issues are, and by doing so you can often quickly turn an angry fellow into someone who greatly likes and respects you.

Getting back to Paul’s song

‘Cause you’re worth much more
A fact you can be sure
No need to hide
The love you’ve got inside

Dealing with insultsDealing with rejectionPaul McCartney