Insults By Jews As Works Of Art

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date February 1, 2015
2 Comments on Insults By Jews As Works Of Art

Recently I visited Philadelphia’s National Museum of American Jewish History. Some of the floors were devoted to a single theme. For example, there was a floor devoted to “Chasing Dreams,” which celebrated baseball and the many fans, players, and characters from minority groups who helped shape our American story. And there was a floor devoted to Jews as immigrants coming to America. Each exhibit was great, but the museum director has to be a putz for neglecting to devote a floor to classic insults by Jews.

To be fair, I, myself, didn’t come up with this idea until last night when I happened to be listening to Bob Dylan’s “Theme Time Radio” show. Bob happened to have Tom Waits as a guest and here’s what he had to say:

Hi, Bob. It’s Tom. Here’s a little morsel of information. The Jewish people have always had a penchant for colorful cursing. Here are some of the most famous Jewish curses:

May God call the tune and may your enemies play the music.

May you lose your faith and marry a pious woman.

May all your teeth fall out but one which should remain for a toothache.

May you grow like an onion with your head in the ground and your feet in the air.

May you have a good long sleep, dreaming only of your troubles.

May you be the proof that man can endure anything.

May your wife eat matzohs in bed and may you roll all night in the crumbs.

So there.

It was upon hearing this, that I first came up with this great idea for a separate floor at the museum.

A Separate Museum Floor Devoted to Classic Insults By Jews

For your consideration, here are some ideas for this museum addition. There could be several sections on the floor. Of course, one of them would have to be devoted to the great insults that spilled forth from the many comedians who performed during the heyday of the Borscht Belt.

For those not familiar with the term, “Borscht Belt,” it refers to the mostly defunct summer resorts of the Catskill Mountains that would cater to many of their guests who happened to be Jewish. The word, “borscht” refers to one of the traditional Jewish items found on their menus (sour cream and beets).

The long list of the Borscht Belt stars include Woody Allen, Jack Benny, Billy Crystal, Rodney Dangerfield, Henny Youngman, Jerry Lewis, Don Rickles, Joan Rivers and Jerry Stiller. Some of these stars specialized in insulting themselves.

Perhaps the greatest of all within this group was Rodney Dangerfield who continually complained about getting no respect:

“My doctor said I was in terrible shape. I told him, ‘I want a second opinion.’ He said, ‘All right, you’re ugly too!'”

Some specialized in insulting their spouses:

“My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.” (Henny Youngman)

And, for some, their favorite schtick was insulting hecklers in the audience:

“Oh my God, look at you. Anyone else hurt in the accident?” (Don Rickles)

In addition to a section on Jewish Borscht Belt comedians, I think there could be one set aside for Seinfeld characters seeking to come up with the perfect insult to reply to an insult.

George Costanza character from the Seinfeld TV show

“Hey George, the ocean called and they’re running out of shrimp.”

“Oh yeah!” replies George, “Well, the jerk store called and they’re running out of you!”

Another section could be devoted to Chelm, a real Polish town that according to Jewish folklore is inhabited by Jewish fools whose antics kept Jews amused for generations.

The great sage of Chelm went out for a walk with his trusted young assistant, Shlermo, by his side. Suddenly it began to pour.
“Quick,” said Shlermo, “open your umbrella. You’re getting soaked.”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” exclaimed the great sage, “it wouldn’t do any good. My umbrella has more holes than a sieve.”
“Then why did you bring it?”
“I didn’t think it would rain!”

Well, there you have it, just a few ideas from off of the top of my head for a museum floor devoted to classic insults by Jews. It would be great!

Now, at this point, I’m imagining that some of my readers might be scratching their heads, wondering why I would want to support any idea that might encourage people to insult anyone. So let’s take a moment to look at this issue.

What Possible Value Could There Be To Having a Section In A Museum Devoted To Insults?

If done well, this section could delve into the more serious issues surrounding the nature of insults as used in our society. For example, as I pointed out in an earlier post titled THE ART OF PLAYFUL TEASING, insults are used in a playful game called teasing. You are judged in part on the quality of your insults and also how well you keep your cool on being insulted.

Even the most mature people may like to play the teasing game, for they enjoy the duel of wits and the occasional humorous comeback.

Mature people are distinguished from immature people by their lack of desire to hurt somebody in this game. Their empathy helps them to realize that the smiles and the lighthearted tone they try to set throughout the game sometimes mask real tensions. Thus, they keep their senses tuned to the subtleties of the repartee, and know when to back off when things begin to get too serious.

Less mature people, partly because of their lower levels of empathy, may think that the more awful they can make someone feel during this game, the better they are at it. When the criticizers have themselves been humiliated by other immature people, they may come to be even more motivated to humiliate others as a way to take out their own pain on others.

So, there you have it, my post for this week. I hope that in addition to a few laughs you found within it some food for thought.

Until next time, may you find some ways to bring a little peace into this cockeyed crazy world of ours.

Jeff

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Tags bullying, disrespectful, Don Rickles, insults, Jewish Comedians, Jews, National Museum of American Jewish History, Phyllis Diller, Rodney Dangerfield, Tom Waits

conflict resolution Listening skills silent treatment

To Listen, Or To Criticize?

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date January 21, 2015
2 Comments on To Listen, Or To Criticize?

In the above Sally Forth comic strip, we learn from Ted that Sally had a fight with her sister. By the third panel, Ted begins to criticize Sally, saying she is coming off like a robot, and then he expresses his view that she had been kind of dismissive of her sister’s news about becoming engaged. In the last panel, I get the feeling that Sally really isn’t in a state to listen to Ted’s criticism. And yet, Ted tries to push Sally to address his criticism.

The next day’s comic strip moves the story further along.

Here we see that Ted has come to understand that he would have been better off skipping the criticism that he had provided to Sally. Listening, he believes, would have been a better thing to do.

Now we see Sally confiding to a friend about how she feels about Ted’s criticism. We also learn that since Ted criticized her, she has not been talking to him.

Using this series of Sally Forth comics, today we will work on three key tasks:

1. Consider when it makes more sense for Ted to listen, rather than to criticize.

2. Examine what Sally could have done that might have been better than giving Ted the silent treatment.

3. Examine some essential listening skills for those times when we believe it is better to listen, rather than to criticize.

Before we move on to these key tasks, let’s move the Sally Forth story a few days further along.

Here we learn that Ted had begun to criticize Sally immediately after Sally’s fight with her sister. That’s a crucial point that will soon be woven into our various discussions.

Three Assessment Strategies to Decide Whether to Critique or to Listen

Here, I’d like to suggest three assessment strategies to help with the decision to critique or to listen.

1. Assess when the quarrel occurred. If the quarrel has occurred very recently, it’s usually best to go with listening. Trying to present a reasoned critique shortly after a heated quarrel makes little sense because it is extra hard for people to reason carefully when they are very frustrated and angry. By listening in a caring way you can play a huge part in helping the person to return to a state in which reasoning abilities are at their peek.

2. Assess whether it is crucial to share your critique immediately. I think you will find that in most situations your critique can wait a day, two days, or even a week. However, in some cases a conflict may require some immediate action and you may believe your critique is so crucial for making a wise choice, that pushing your critique to the fore makes sense.

3. Even if Ted had waited a reasonable period of time and had been making himself available to listen to Sally, before diving into his critique, it would still be a good idea for him to ask the following types of questions. “Sally, I have some time now, do you want to talk more about what’s been happening between you and your sister?” If Sally says yes, Ted would say something like, “So far, Sally, I’ve been mainly listening as you talked about what happened. I’m wondering if you think you’re ready to hear some ideas that I’ve been thinking about that might be helpful, or would you prefer me to stay in a listening mode?” After asking this question, Ted would assess how Sally replies. Even if she says she wants to hear his ideas, if her voice appears tense, or there is a tense expression on her face, he might be wise to tread lightly on anything that Sally might find too sensitive. Additionally, he might reasonably switch back into a listening mode if she appears to turn angry at something that he says.

Now, so far, I have been discussing what Ted could have done better to address Sally’s concerns. Now let’s take a couple of minutes to discuss what Sally could have done better.

The Silent Treatment Versus Assertiveness

In the Sally Forth story, Sally, turning angry at Ted, decides to give him the silent treatment. I’m wondering if there might be a better way for her to have handled this type of situation.

My wife, Andrea, is very assertive when it comes to these types of situations. If I begin to express my views before she is ready to hear them, she just gives me a clear signal to back off, and I respect her wishes. Maybe Sally could have said to Ted when he began to provide his critique immediately after her argument with her sister, “I see you want to critique what happened, Ted, but I prefer that you just go into a listening mode for now.”

If Sally, when she has returned to a calmer state, agrees that this assertive approach makes more sense than ending up giving Ted the silent treatment, she can practice doing this in her mind at least three times. These practice sessions are simple and involve closing her eyes and imagining how she felt right after her fight with her sister, then recalling how Ted began to criticize her action, and then imagining herself being assertive to Ted. By practicing this a few times, especially if she does this over the course of a few days, there is an excellent chance she will have no difficulty using the assertive approach the next time a similar situation arises.

Now, let’s once again turn our attention to what Ted could do in this situation. Both he and Sally agree that it would have been better for him to have gone into the listening mode, rather than the critiquing mode. But doing good listening doesn’t mean simply keeping your mouth shut while the other party talks. There is a real art to listening. In the next section, I’m going to present the three most helpful things to do while listening.

Three Helpful Things to Do While Listening

When Ted goes into his listening mode, there are a few things that he can do to make his listening more effective. First, every minute or two, he could briefly summarize what she had just said. This would assure Sally that Ted is paying attention. You can learn more about how this is done by looking up the topic, reflective listening. Second, if Sally turns sad about something she is discussing, Ted could express sadness on his face as well, look into Sally’s eyes, and softly touch Sally’s shoulder. This is called empathic listening. Finally, Ted could learn how to validate Sally’s feelings. For example, Sally says to Ted, “Every time I hear my sister has made some awful mistake, I feel awful inside.” Ted can validate Sally’s feeling by saying something like, “I know what you mean, I feel like that when my brother makes an awful mistake.” When someone validates a person’s experience in this way, it helps to communicate a connection between the speaker and the listener.

Okay, so there are some ideas to think about when considering whether to listen or to criticize. I hope you find within this post some food for thought. My Best, Jeff

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Tags anger, conflict management, conflict resolution, criticism, critique, dispute management, Listening skills, negative criticism, respect, Sally Forth, Sally Forth comics, silent treatment

anger conflict management conflict resolution criticism insults Islam Muslims respect Responding to Criticism

Killing People Because They Criticized Your Muslim Faith: Is It A Sign of Immaturity?

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date January 14, 2015
6 Comments on Killing People Because They Criticized Your Muslim Faith: Is It A Sign of Immaturity?

Anyone who follows the news, has heard about the most recent terrorist act in France. This post, however looks at what occurred earlier this year against those who worked for the French satirical magazine Charlie Hebdo. The magazine had published articles and cartoons that criticize those who believe that the proper response to people making fun of a group’s religious beliefs is to kill them. Although the magazine writers had poked fun at all of the major religions, it was individuals who viewed themselves as followers of the Muslim faith that actually carried out these murders.

Before I go any further, I hasten to point out that Muslim statesmen, clerics and intellectuals have condemned these awful acts. Moreover, the vast majority of those who view themselves as Muslims are not going around murdering anyone, let alone people who voice criticism of their faith. That said, we still have laid before us on the front pages of every media outlet this particular event. I therefore am personally moved to spend some time today throwing around some relevant ideas. Anything that I do say today in no way is meant to imply that I think Muslims, in general, are more violent-prone or immature than other people.

Violence in Response to Criticism

Regular followers of this blog well know that I have put together a tentative model of different levels of maturity for responding to criticism. There are 5 levels. Level one is viewed as the most immature set of responses. Each higher level is viewed as more mature.

If you will, take a look below at the five levels of maturity and see what level of maturity best describes the actions of those who murdered the Charlie Hebdo magazine workers?

This level requires displaying one or more of the following:

Weeps or sobs with tears or pouts unless also displaying responses consistent with either level 4 or 5.
Physically attacks the criticizer (regardless of whatever else is said or done)
Damages property (regardless of what else is said or done)

This level requires displaying one or more of the following:

Insults the criticizer (either with words, hand gestures, the sticking out of a tongue, the rolling of the eyes, or smirks)
Glares at the criticizer
Threatens the criticizer
Punches, kicks, or throws an object without physically hurting someone or damaging anything
Criticizes the criticizer without first fully addressing the original criticism.

This level requires displaying one or both of the following:

Displays defensiveness without directly insulting the criticizer (raising voice’s volume or pitch)
Displays a lack of interest either by verbally indicating this, or with nonverbal cues, or complete silence.

Individuals at this level listen to the criticizer in a supportive, warm, friendly style, and then make it clear that they fully understand what was said. Moreover, they put the criticizer at ease by making statements that indicate that the wise learn from criticism. Some time is spent on showing that they are thinking about the criticism. If, after thinking about the criticism the criticism is deemed to be correct, they make a statement frankly indicating, “I can see your ideas have merit, and I intend to use them in the future.” If they are not sure if they agree, they make a statement indicating that they are very interested in what was said, plan to think a little more about this over the next few days and then they will be ready to discuss this further. If, after thinking about the criticism, the criticism is deemed to be incorrect, a statement is made designed to disagree without being disagreeable. More specifically, a sense of humor, some listening in a caring way and a few smiles help to traverse rough terrain. As the episode winds down, the criticizer is encouraged to feel comfortable communicating suggestions in the future.

In addition to actions consistent with level 4, people acting in a manner consistent with level 5 seek ways to use, whenever they disagree with the criticism, a technique known as steering in the direction the criticizer would prefer to go. That is, rather than just disagreeing without being disagreeable, the criticized person seeks to find a new choice of action that creatively utilizes something suggested from the criticism. Steering cannot be incorporated into all situations, but it is an additional goal of the most mature individuals.

Okay, so now that you looked over the five levels of maturity for responding to criticism, which level do you think best matches those who slaughtered the group of individuals who worked for the French satirical magazine Charlie Hebdo?

My Response

As I looked over the levels, the task was easy. As far as I’m concerned, level 1 is clearly the best match.

Now some might say, why bother to put the actions of those who did the killing in a developmental framework? For many, just calling them vile names more than suffices.

Well, one reason is that calling someone vile names doesn’t automatically point one to a description of what would be a more mature response, as a developmental model does. Additionally, if you want to talk the language of many experts in human behavior, getting away from the vile name calling fits in with their zeitgeist.

Consider Mustafa Akyol, author of Islam Without Extremes: A Muslim Case for Liberty and the writer of yesterday’s New York Times Op-Ed titled “Islam’s Problem With Blasphemy.” First, Mr. Akyol points out that,

The only source in Islamic law that all Muslims accept indisputably is the Quran. And, conspicuously, the Quran decrees no earthly punishment for blasphemy — or for apostasy (abandonment or renunciation of the faith), a related concept. Nor, for that matter, does the Quran command stoning, female circumcision or a ban on fine arts.

Mr. Akyol explains that religious nationalism is guided by religious law — Shariah — which was developed over 100 of years after the Quran, and it is there that we find clauses about punishing blasphemy as a deadly sin. While Shariah is believed by many Muslims to be rooted in the divine, according to Mr. Akyol, the overwhelming majority of its injunctions are man-made, partly reflecting the values and needs of the seventh to 12th centuries — when no part of the world was liberal, and other religions, such as Christianity, also considered blasphemy a capital crime.

In contrast to Shariah law about blasphemy, the Quran tells its followers: “God has told you in the Book that when you hear God’s revelations disbelieved in and mocked at, do not sit with them until they enter into some other discourse; surely then you would be like them.”

Mr. Akyol concludes his Op-Ed piece with the following:

Just “do not sit with them” — that is the response the Quran suggests for mockery. Not violence. Not even censorship.

Wise Muslim religious leaders from the entire world would do Islam a great favor if they preached and reiterated such a nonviolent and nonoppressive stance in the face of insults against Islam. That sort of instruction could also help their more intolerant coreligionists understand that rage is a sign of nothing but immaturity. The power of any faith comes not from its coercion of critics and dissenters. It comes from the moral integrity and the intellectual strength of its believers.

Notice Mr. Akyol’s last paragraph refers to immaturity, and he lays out what he views as a more mature, wiser path. That is the type of model that I, myself, am striving to emulate.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Tags Charlie Hebdo, Charlie Hebdo magazine, criticism, Islam, maturity levels, Muslim faith, Muslims, Mustafa Akyol, negative criticism, psychological maturity, Quran, religious beliefs, violence

ADHD attention problems conflict management conflict resolution Ritalin

Treating ADHD: If Not Drugs, Then What?

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date January 7, 2015
3 Comments on Treating ADHD: If Not Drugs, Then What?

Some children, when asked to attend to certain tasks, do so for shorter periods than most. Some are also more energetic. Such children are often said to have Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD).

Although many doctors recommend placing children believed to have ADHD on drugs such as Ritalin and Adderall, many parents refuse to go that route. The evidence that the drugs do not lead to lasting improved academic and social outcomes are major reasons (see my post titled “The Myth of Ritalin’s Effectiveness” for a review of the effectiveness studies). Other major reasons have to do with concerns about known negative side effects and possible long term harm to such young developing brains.

Parents who have a child viewed as having ADHD typically face two challenges–disciplining their child and responding to concerns from their child’s teacher. For parents who choose the drug approach, they may come to believe that at least by drugging their child something is being done to deal with the challenges. They may thus become less motivated to take some other steps because what can be done is being done. If the child misbehaves, the parent may come to believe that the cause is due to the drug not doing what it’s supposed to be doing. Maybe the child needs to go back to the doctor to get the dose tweaked, or another drug needs to be added or substituted.

But for parents who refuse drug treatment, they don’t get confused about all of these drug issues and a clearer path lies before them. As a school psychologist for many years, I’ve walked with parents down this non-drug path on numerous occasions, and here are some suggestions that I found most helpful.

My Four Favorite Suggestions for Parents Concerned about a Child’s Attention Span or Energetic Behavior

1. Search the internet with the following search terms–“ADHD without drugs.” If you do so, you will find many suggestions on how to address your concerns. A daily running program and meditation were just a couple of excellent ideas that I found quickly in a recent search of this sought. Many of the suggestions indicate that they have research support demonstrating that they are effective (see for example APA’s article titled “Easing ADHD without Meds“). What I particularly like about having parents search the internet in this way is that they get to select from a wide range of ideas the ones that make the most sense to them. Moreover, there are always new ideas coming out, and these types of internet searches are regularly updated.

2. Get a copy of The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child by Alan Kazdin. Dr. Kazdin is director of the Yale Parenting Center and Conduct Clinic and is a former president of the American Psychological Association. His approach has been well tested in solid research programs with impressive results.

If you can’t afford to buy Dr. Kazdin’s book, you can get a copy at your local library. If your library doesn’t have a copy, walk over to the the librarian and ask to get it through inter-library loan. If you have trouble reading books, it is also available on CD. Listen to these CDs while you are driving, cleaning the house, and washing dishes. You’ll find a goldmine worth of information.

3. Ask your child’s teacher to provide you, each week, a list of the main topics that will be covered in class the following week. Then view at home with your child a lesson on each topic on the Kahn Academy website.

This website is a resource that provides free lessons on all the topics that teachers teach in school. By having your child review each lesson before hearing it for the first time from the teacher, when the teacher actually presents the lesson in school, your child will now be at least somewhat familiar with the topic. This is called “priming” and it has been demonstrated to increase the interest level for learners and increase the likeliness that the topic will end up being mastered. Moreover, once you show your child how the Kahn Academy website works, your child, before each test, can go back to the lesson and make sure he or she has really mastered it.

If you do not have the time to do this with your child, see what you can do to get someone at least four years older than your child to carry out this activity. You may have to pay a young teenager a little, but it will be better than paying for pills.

This approach leads to real learning. Once your child starts to make better academic progress in school, he or she will feel better about school in general.

4. “Casino for teaching calculation fluency” is a card game that I have found works great for kids who have difficulty learning math skills in the usual manner. You can find the rules for the basic casino card game on line by typing in your search engine, “Casino card game rules.” Once you learn the basic rules it will be easy to learn how to apply the game to improve a wide range of math skills.

Basically, the game is played as follows. The dealer deals four cards to each player and four cards face up in the center (these center cards are laid out separately so that all are visible). The aim is to capture cards from a layout on the table, by playing a card from your hand which matches in number a table card or the sum of several table cards. When it’s your turn, if you can’t capture any cards, you have to throw into the center, face-up, one of the cards from your hand. The cards that each player captures are accumulated in his or her pile. The player who ends up with the most captured cards (in the simplest form of the game) is the winner. After each player plays the four cards that are originally dealt, each player is dealt four more cards. The game is over when all the cards in the deck are used up.

To win, a player must learn to do basic addition. Consider this example. Suppose it is my turn and I have in my hand a 9, and on the table, face up, is a 6 and a 3. If I know 6 plus 3 equals 9, I can use my 9 to capture the 6 and the 3. The more cards I capture, the more chances I have of winning. If I am a bit clumsy at addition, this game can motivate me to increase my fluency.

Once your child has learned to add smoothly, you can change the rules of the game to learn more advanced math skills. For example, you can make the new rule as follows: the only way to capture cards is by using subtraction; or multiplication.

The game can be played in groups of 2, 3, or 4. Besides a deck of cards, it will help to learn math if you will get an abacus. Any student having trouble with learning basic arithmetic should be taught how to use an abacus, and should get a great deal of experience using it. It visually displays how our system works, with the ones line, the tens line, and the hundreds line. The manipulations are fun, and they begin to make conceptual sense after regular use. You can buy an abacus on line for just a few dollars and they come with directions.

The abacus is used as follows. Suppose Sue, who is playing Casino with Jill, attempts to use a 7 in her hand to capture a 6 and a 2. She can use the abacus to see if 6 and 2 equals 7. In a short period of time, Sue will learn to add without the abacus.

An interesting psychological aspect of playing this game is that even when it is not the turn of the other players, all the other players are motivated to do the calculation of the person whose turn it is in order to make sure she or he does not cheat. Moreover, whenever a player can’t make a capture, and therefore throws a card from her or his hand onto the table, all the other players start to make calculations in their heads to figure out how the new card can be utilized. Consequently, there is an enormous amount of additional calculations going on than one might think by watching the player whose turn it is. This is a large reason why this game is so effective.

Now, once your child learns the basic rules of the game, usually within a half hour of playing time, the rules can be changed so that your child begins to work on learning fluency of the math facts at his or her level. So, if Sue is learning to be fluent in learning single digit addition facts, the group plays the game in the standard manner.

If Sue is learning fluency in mastering two digit addition facts, the game is changed so two decks of cards are combined. Both decks get a little doctoring. The parent takes out the four jacks from one of the decks and crosses out their J, and writes beside it the number 11. In a similar fashion, queens, and kings have respectively, the numbers 12, and 13 written on them, replacing their Q and K. For the cards in the second deck, their numbers are changed so that they are given numbers that range from 14 to 27. Both sets of cards are shuffled together, and the game is played like the basic version of the game but there is far more addition facts that can be employed in order to capture cards.

For students learning fluency in mastering single digit subtraction facts, the same rules are applied as the single digit addition form of the game but players can only capture cards by applying a subtraction fact. For example, if Fred has a 2 in his hand, and there is an 8 and a 6 faced up on the table, if he recognizes that 8 minus 6 equals 2, he can capture with his 2 both the 8 and the 6.

For students learning fluency in mastering two digit subtraction facts, the same rules are applied as the two digit addition form of the game but players can only capture cards by applying a subtraction fact.

In a similar manner, the game can be played as well so it is designed to teach fluency in basic multiplication or division.

$math is fun$ Math is often a stumbling block for children who have trouble paying attention to topics that bore them. By making learning these skills fun, these skills are quickly learned. When your child then goes to school, his success in math class will greatly improve his or her overall school experience.

Okay then, those are some ideas to help children thought to have ADHD. There are of course far more options to discover.

Until you join us again, have a great week.

Jeff

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Tags Adderall, ADHD, ADHD Treatment, Alan Kazdin, Kahn Aademy, Learning strategies, Ritalin, The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child

Albert Einstein anger conflict resolution criticism Name calling negative criticism providing criticism wisdom

Einstein and Stupidity

“Two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I am not yet completely sure about the universe.”–Albert Einstein

In the spring of 1914, Albert Einstein left his home in Switzerland to take a job at the University of Berlin in Germany’s capital. He was then, 35.

He took the job with much misgivings. When he was a young boy living in Germany, Einstein had been deeply repelled by the authoritarians, militarism, and bigotry he found all around him. And as a young man, he was appalled by the prejudices, injustices and reactionary ideas found in the heart of many Germans in those days. Nevertheless, working in Berlin provided an opportunity to pursue his research without teaching and administrative obligations and to have ready access to many brilliant fellow scientists and mathematicians.

Einstein’s Name-Calling During World War I

Months after Einstein moved to Berlin, in August 1914, the first world war broke loose, creating wholesale death, misery, and hunger. And then, many people with whom he was working signed a manifesto denying that Germany had any responsibility for the war. Instead, the blame fell entirely on Germany’s enemies. The concluding paragraph states:

We cannot wrest from our enemies’ hand the venomous weapon of the lie [that Germany is responsible for the war]. We can only cry out to the whole world that they bear false witness against us. To you who know us, who have hitherto stood with us in safeguarding mankind’s most precious heritage–to you we cry out: Have faith in us when we say that we shall wage this fight to the very end as a civilized nation, a nation that holds the legacy of Goethe, Beethoven and Kant no less sacred than hearth and home.

This type of document along with all that was happening in the world was pretty rough on Einstein. In a letter to Paul Ehrenfest, a physicist and one of his closest friends, he wrote:

The international catastrophe has imposed a heavy burden upon me as an internationalist. In living through this “great epoch,” it is difficult to reconcile oneself to the fact that one belongs to that stupid, rotten species which boasts of its freedom of will. How I wish that somewhere there existed an island for those who are wise and of good will! In such a place even I should be an ardent patriot. (From Einstein on Peace, p. 2)

We see in this quote that Einstein, in his anger, chose to refer to the human race as stupid. And yet, some of the people that were supporting the war were among the smartest people of their day, at least in terms of their academic accomplishments.

Of course, Einstein is not the only one to use the word stupid upon becoming angry:

Apparently, for Einstein, the word stupid was meant to mean something different than an inability to master challenging subject matter. What then did he mean?

Such terms are often used broadly, meaning the same thing as other words and phrases thrown at someone in anger, such as “crazy,” “mentally ill,” “jerk,” “piece of trash,” “rotten,” etc. When used like this, they all mean nothing more than the angry party strongly doesn’t like what the other party did. They serve as a type of exclamation point.

For Einstein, I think stupid might have had an added meaning; something like not being able to see something that seems so plainly reasonable to him. War is a terrible thing, Einstein believed, and the justification that Germany used to enter into it clashed with his sense of what was so plainly reasonable.

Einstein’s Approach to Providing Negative Criticism After World War I

Soon after the end of the first world war, Germany saw the rise of Hitler and Einstein fled to America, taking a position at Princeton University. As World War II got underway, Einstein did support military intervention. As he explained it when declining an invitation to prepare a presentation of the pacifist point of view,

I am not what you might call a religious pacifist. Besides, I consider it preferable for men to fight rather than allow themselves to be butchered without lifting a finger. That was just about the alternative in the case of Hitler’s Germany. (Einstein on Peace, p. 553)

But when America became involved in the Korean War, Einstein again experienced anger about a military intervention. Korea had not attacked any country, let alone the United States. Korea was engaged in an internal fight about what type of government it chose to have. US military intervention, Einstein believed, would serve to dramatically increase the loss of life. How did Einstein express his disagreement in his adopted country where most were fierce supporters of the war?

When writing to a trusted friend he would allow himself to let out his raw emotions about what was going on in the world. This occasionally included utilizing words like stupid, idiot, and rotten. But at least in the many public statements that I’ve read of his, it was extremely rare to see him utilizing anything that strikes me as name calling. Typical is a 1953 quote taken from Einstein’s review of a book on Gandhi. The author was Gene Sharp, a 25-year old graduate of Ohio State University who had just received a two-year sentence for defying the draft law during the Korean War. Einstein wrote:

How is it possible that a young man was able to create such a mature piece of work? The author’s preface tells us how it was possible. He feels the profound obligation to serve, with all his energies and with unlimited readiness for sacrifice, a purpose which is clearly personified in Gandhi’s unique example: to overcome through an awakening of moral strength the danger of self-destruction which confronts mankind as a result of explosive technological developments. The collapse which threatens mankind is characterized in the volume by the words depersonalization, regimentation, total war, while its salvation is characterized by the words personal responsibility, in conjunction with nonviolence and service to human beings in Gandhi’s sense.

I believe the author is completely right in asserting that every human being is compelled to come to a clear decision with regard to this important matter: there is no middle ground.

In the Nuremberg trials the following principle was laid down: Personal moral responsibility cannot be set aside by national laws. Let us hope that we may soon come to the point where the Nuremberg principle will not only be enforced upon citizens of vanquished nations! (Einstein on Peace, p. 544)

Here, Einstein, rather than calling those who support war insulting names, he instead expresses admiration for two people who had acted to resist participation in military activities–Sharp and Gandhi. He then places their activities in the context of a moral principle that was articulated by the judges at the post World War II Nuremberg trials. These judges convicted Nazi leaders who presented a defense that they were just following orders.

I like this approach of letting people know, by use of a narrative, what actions you do respect. It goes beyond just saying what you don’t like. It adds specificity, and I think people learn ideas better through narrative rather than principles alone. It is this very approach that I tried to create in my three novels.

Okay, there’s my post for this week. Until next time, here’s hoping we all find some helpful ways to bring about a more peaceful world.

Jeff

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Tags Albert Einstein, anger, Einstein on Peace, name calling, negative criticism, promoting peace, stupidity

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The Myth of Ritalin’s Effectiveness

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date December 21, 2014
25 Comments on The Myth of Ritalin’s Effectiveness

In a recent post titled ADHD and Psychiatric Name Calling, I reviewed studies documenting how much is currently being spent annually on ADHD drug treatments. Here are some new numbers provided by Healthline: What are we getting for this? In this post I hope to clarify this issue. As you read it, you will see phrases in blue. By clicking on each, you will be taken to the actual research article that documents my statement.

For students placed on Ritalin or other stimulant drugs, in short term studies teachers and parents report some improvement in behavior. However, even in the short term, the vast majority of research indicates that there is no improvement on academic functioning. At the end of 14 months, drug treatment was not superior than no-drug treatment on the following measures: classroom observed behaviour, parent- and teacher-rated social skills, parent-rated parent–child relationships, peer sociometric ratings, and academic achievement. By the end of three years there was no significant effects of the drugs on any measure. stomach and head pain And yet, parents who undeniably care about their children, regularly expose their children to the side effects of these drugs, as well as potential long term risks. Why? Because they are convinced that the helpfulness of the drugs outweigh those negatives.

What is it about these drugs that create the myth that the drugs are really helping their children? To understand how this myth is created, it will help if we first take a quick look at how people come to believe smoking cigarettes helps them to deal with stress, and drinking caffeinated coffee helps them to be more productive.

The Myth that Cigarette Smoking Reduces Stress.

In a study published in the American Psychologist, researchers found the following:

Smokers often report that cigarettes help relieve feelings of stress. However, the stress levels of adult smokers are slightly higher than those of nonsmokers, adolescent smokers report increasing levels of stress as they develop regular patterns of smoking, and smoking cessation leads to reduced stress. Far from acting as an aid for mood control, nicotine dependency seems to exacerbate stress. This is confirmed in the daily mood patterns described by smokers, with normal moods during smoking and worsening moods between cigarettes. Thus, the apparent relaxant effect of smoking only reflects the reversal of the tension and irritability that develop during nicotine depletion. Dependent smokers need nicotine to remain feeling normal. The message that tobacco use does not alleviate stress but actually increases it needs to be far more widely known.

This paragraph just provides a summary of the research article that leads to its conclusion. In my view, the whole article lays out a very convincing argument that the relief from a drug withdrawal reaction that occurs each time a person ingests the drug can create the illusion that a drug is helpful. Moreover, I believe that this same argument can also be used to explain how a stimulant such as Ritalin can appear to be helpful even when it is not. Before we get to Ritalin, however, let’s first turn our attention to America’s favorite stimulant, caffeine.

My Personal Experience with Caffeine

When I was 18, I started college. My first class began at 8 a.m. Ugh! That meant waking up around 6 a.m. so I could wash up, have breakfast, and take the hour train ride.

Sitting down for breakfast, I decided to have my first cup of coffee. Both my parents drank coffee in the morning and throughout the day, too. I had heard that it gave you a boost when you were tired, and man, I was tired.

My first sip tasted rather bitter, so I dumped a couple of teaspoons of sugar in. Much better. Then came a little pleasant “up” sensation, but it was accompanied with a little stomach distress. Oh, well. Off I went and it wasn’t long after that I was drinking coffee regularly.

coffee3 As I entered into my twenties, I began to notice that in the morning before I got my first cup, I was irritable and struggling with sleepiness. With the first sips, ahhhh, relief.

In addition to my morning cups, I’d have a cup typically around 10 a.m., a cola with lunch, which has some caffeine in it, and a couple of cups after supper with dessert.

During my thirties, I began to develop headaches. I attributed them to stress.

coffee2 By the time I was forty, the headaches became so bad that I went to a physician who prescribed some pills. I don’t like taking pills, but the headaches were so bad that I thought maybe I should give them a try.

Before filling the prescription, I looked up information about it and found the prescribed pills were made entirely of caffeine. Then, I looked at the side effects and found that one of them was headaches. This surprised me.

Since I was already consuming caffeine throughout the day, and a side effect of caffeine was headaches, I thought maybe instead of taking the pills, the first thing I should try was to stop consuming caffeine.

Wow! Giving up coffee was not easy. For several days I went through a very rough period of headaches, feelings of depression, difficulty sleeping, and my brain seemed to be meandering through thick mud.

In retrospect, perhaps I should have tried tapering off coffee, reducing each week one cup at a time. But I did make it through the morass, and in a couple of weeks I was fine. And ever since, I no longer get any headaches.

More surprising is that when I wake up in the morning, by the time I wash up and sit down for breakfast, I’m every bit as awake as I used to become when I had finished my morning coffee. It is now clear to me that the exhausted, irritable feelings that I used to have before I gave up coffee was due to a caffeine withdrawal effect from going a whole night without having any. Throughout the day, I now find that I have a smoother ride and I am every bit as productive as I used to be when I was a coffee drinker.

The Myth of Ritalin’s Effectiveness

Ritalin, and most other drug treatments for “ADHD” are stimulants. And just as I came to mistakenly believe coffee helped me to be more productive, I think Ritalin’s effects lead to the same mistaken conclusion. And just like I didn’t attribute the side effects of caffeine to my coffee drinking, I think parents don’t realize how much of their child’s sleeping problems, headaches, late afternoon miseries are due to the drugs. And when parents try to withdraw their children from the drugs to see if it is really helping, as the withdrawal effects begin to become worse and worse, parents come to think that this is how their children naturally are when they don’t take the drugs.

Now, there is more to this story than I can reveal in a single post. For example, other factors that lead to parents thinking these drugs are more effective than they actually are is the clever advertisement of the drug companies. Moreover, in some cases, children, as they become older, typically mature at a certain pace. Thus, some children viewed as having ADHD problems completely grow out of these problems without any drug treatment. If this growth in maturity occurs shortly after a child begins to take the drugs, the improvement from natural maturity growth can be easily attributed to the effects of the drugs. When this happens, parents rave to their family members and friends that Ritalin saved their child, and they push other parents to do what they did–get their children on Ritalin.

And so, this is how I think the myth of Ritalin’s effectiveness is created. An initial improvement in behavior once the drug treatment begins; a slow tolerance develops to the drug so it becomes less and less effective, but this occurs over a period of time during which the child is naturally maturing. As a result, some parents don’t notice that the drug is becoming less effective. When parents do notice the decreased effectiveness of the drug, they often take the child to the doctor to get an increased dose. Again there is a boost in apparent improvement. As tolerance to the drug once again begins to occur, more time goes by, and of course there is more growth in the child’s natural maturity. This may lead to less attention problems, but the improvement is attributed to the drugs, rather than improved maturity. Whenever parents try to see if their child can do just as well without the drugs, the withdrawal reactions convince them that their child really needs the drug. Negative side effects of the drugs are attributed to other causes. Couple all of this with the clever advertisement campaign of drug companies, and we end up with a pretty impressive myth.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Tags Adderall, ADHD, ADHD Treatment, caffeine's side effects, Coffee's side effects, drug treatment, DSM, mental illness, Myths, parenting, psychiatry, Ritalin

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Responding Maturely to Criticism: A John F. Kennedy Example

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date December 18, 2014
No Comments on Responding Maturely to Criticism: A John F. Kennedy Example

Responding to negative criticism with lower developmental level skills can lead to an escalation of conflicts, violence, and the loss of valued friends. Among the benefits of utilizing higher developmental level skills are increases in how much people like and respect us.

To encourage readers of this blog to think about the most helpful ways to respond to criticism, I presented a post titled “Responding to Criticism: Four Levels of Maturity.” A few weeks later, I presented a post describing the fifth level of maturity, which I believe is the most mature level.

In both of those posts, I give examples of people using each of the different levels. In subsequent posts, I provided some additional examples (see here, here, and here). Readers seem to enjoy these, so with that in mind, I offer you a John F. Kennedy example.

John F. Kennedy at the 1960 Democratic Convention

In 1960, the Democratic Convention was held in Los Angeles. In addition to Kennedy, other democratic candidates for president that year were Lyndon Johnson, Hubert Humphrey, and Wayne Morse.

On day two of the conference, Johnson and Kennedy had an exchange in front of the entire delegation. Below, is the transcript of part of that exchange, which I obtained from a YouTube video that you can see and hear for yourself at this link, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6gefp6OHLns

The actual exchange begins 4 minutes into the Youtube video. There, we see Lyndon Johnson criticizing Kennedy in front of several thousand delegates. Thus, he says:

For six days and nights we had 24-hour sessions, six days and nights I had to deliver a quorum of 51 men on a moment’s notice to keep the Senate in session to get any bill at all. I’m proud to tell you that on those 51 quorum calls Lyndon Johnson answered every one of them, although some men who would be president on a civil rights platform answered none.

On the roll call on that bill there were 45, Lyndon Johnson answered all 45. Admittedly, I didn’t have the problem that some of my people had of opposing Senators Humphrey and Morse in the primaries. But some senator missed 34 of the 45. And I point this out only so those of you who may have been not fully understanding of my entry into the race. That it is my considered judgment that my people had sent me to the Senate to perform the duty of a United States senator for which I was paid $22,500 a year. And my colleagues, including Senator Kennedy and Senator Symington, and 62 other beloved Democrats had selected me as their leader. And I did not think you would reward negligence. I did not think that you would reward me for inattention, nor did I think, as Al Smith put it, that you would penalize me.

Now, if former president, Donald Trump had been criticized in this way, I think we all have a pretty good idea of how he would have responded–probably by throwing nasty insults at Senator Johnson, like crying out that he is a horrible person.

Here’s Kennedy’s reply, which begins about six minutes into the YouTube recording:

I’m glad we are not going to put these speeches to a vote, after looking at Massachusetts’s and Texas’s delegates today. Let me just say that I appreciate what Senator Johnson had to say. He made some general reference to perhaps some shortcomings of other presidential candidates, but as he was not specific I assume he was talking about some other candidate and not me.

Kennedy then breaks out in a huge smile because he knows, and everyone present knows that Senator Johnson’s comments had indeed been directed toward criticizing Kennedy’s record. The crowd clearly appreciates Kennedy’s humor, and then, after the laughter subsides, he continues:

I, uh, found it extremely beneficial serving in the Senate with Senator Johnson as leader. I think if I emerge as successful in this convention it would be as a result of watching Senator Johnson proceed around the Senate for the last eight years.

Kennedy, now turns to Lyndon Johnson and says:

I have learned the lesson well, Lyndon, and I hope it will benefit me in the next twenty-four hours.

Kennedy has now turned back to the larger audience.

It is true that Senator Johnson made a wonderful record in answering those quorum calls, and I want to commend him for it. I, uh, was not present on all of those occasions, uh, no one, I was not majority leader. Lyndon knows I never criticized, in fact on every occasion I said that I thought Senator Johnson should not enter the primary. That his proper responsibility was as majority leader and that if he would let Hubert, Wayne and I to settle the matter we could come to a clearcut decision.

So, I come to you today full of admiration for Senator Johnson, full of affection for him, strongly in support of him for majority leader, and in that position we’re all going to work together. Thank you.

Now, after this reply to Johnson’s criticism of him, Kennedy does something else that we don’t actually see in the YouTube video. Kennedy, behind closed doors, informs Johnson that his criticism, in addition to the issue he explicitly stated, involves two others issues: First, Johnson wants to some day be president, and, second, he also wants to get several bills passed that were close to his heart, especially the civil rights bills. Kennedy explained that right now he, Johnson, was well known in Texas and the Senate, but the public in other regions around the country knew nothing about him. Kennedy then informed Johnson that he had decided to select him to be his running mate if he succeeds at obtaining the nomination. As vice president, Johnson would get to be known throughout the country. This would put him in a better position to seek the presidency in the future. Moreover, as vice president, he would preside over the Senate, and together with Kennedy as president, he could have a much better chance of getting his favorite bills enacted into law. In this way, Kennedy steered in the direction that he felt Johnson’s criticism suggested.

Okay, so that is how Kennedy responded to Johnson’s negative criticism. I shall now present the outline of all five developmental levels of responding to criticism. If you will, look them over and see what level best matches Kennedy’s response.

Five Levels of Responding to Criticism

1. This level requires displaying one or more of the following:

Weeps or sobs with tears or pouts
Physically attacks the criticizer
Damages property

2. This level requires displaying one or more of the following:

Insults the criticizer (either with words, hand gestures, the sticking out of a tongue, the rolling of the eyes, or smirks)
Glares at the criticizer
Threatens the criticizer
Punches, kicks, or throws an object without physically hurting someone or damaging anything
Criticizes the criticizer without first fully addressing the original criticism.

3. This level requires displaying one or both of the following:

Displays defensiveness without directly insulting the criticizer (raising voice’s volume or pitch)
Displays a lack of interest either by verbally indicating this, or with nonverbal cues, or complete silence.

4. Level 4 individuals listen to the criticizer in a supportive, warm, friendly style, and then make it clear that they fully understand what was said. Moreover, they put the criticizer at ease by making statements that indicate that the wise learn from criticism. Some time is spent on showing that they are thinking about the criticism. If, after thinking about the criticism the criticism is deemed to be correct, they make a statement frankly indicating, “I can see your ideas have merit and I intend to use them in the future.” If they are not sure if they agree, they make a statement indicating that they are very interested in what was said, plan to think a little more about this over the next few days and then they will be ready to discuss this further. If, after thinking about the criticism, the criticism is deemed to be incorrect, a statement is made designed to disagree without being disagreeable. More specifically, a sense of humor, some listening in a caring way and a few smiles help to traverse rough terrain. As the episode winds down, the criticizer is encouraged to feel comfortable communicating suggestions in the future.

5. In addition to actions consistent with level 4, people responding to criticism in a manner consistent with level 5 seek ways to use, whenever they disagree with the criticism, a technique known as steering in the direction the criticizer would prefer to go. That is, rather than just disagreeing without being disagreeable, the criticized person seeks to find a new choice of action that creatively utilizes some aspect suggested from the criticism. Steering cannot be incorporated into all situations, but it is an additional goal of the most mature individuals.

Now that you have had a chance to look over the descriptions of the 5 levels, which level do you think best matches Kennedy’s response? Moreover, regardless of what level Kennedy’s response matches, I encourage you to think about whether it is better to utilize Kennedy’s approach, or Trump’s approach, to responding to criticism. My guess is that if you want to get more hits on social media platforms and you don’t mind increasing hate in the world, the approach that Trump tends to use will work better for you; however, if you want to be better respected by family members, friends and people at work, Kennedy’s approach is the way to go.

Thanks for visiting today, and I hope you join us back here soon.

Jeff

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Tags criticism, Five levels of responding to criticism, John F. Kennedy, Lyndon B. Johnson, negative criticism

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ADHD or Attention Priority Difference?

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date December 8, 2014
14 Comments on ADHD or Attention Priority Difference?

A few years ago I worked as a school psychologist. One day the mother of a 12-year old boy, who we’ll call Pete, explained to me that upon the urging of one of his teachers, she took him to his pediatrician to be evaluated for ADHD. The pediatrician asked this mother a few questions, diagnosed Pete as having ADHD, and then wrote him a prescription for Ritalin. After reading the possible side effects of the drug, the mother became concerned and spoke to Pete’s father.

Pete’s father and mother were divorced. Pete lived with his father on weekends, and the rest of the time he lived with his mother. Upon hearing about the prescription for Ritalin, Pete’s father was very much opposed to his son taking any drug for treating this concern. And so, now the mother wanted to know what I thought should be done.

I explained that before I could make any recommendations, I would have to carry out an evaluation. As a student in the district that I served, there would be no cost to the family. Pete’s mother agreed to the evaluation.

First, I requested that the mother, father and each of Pete’s teachers fill out standardized questionnaires. The results indicated that Pete’s physical education teacher, art teacher and his father viewed his activity level and ability to pay attention as falling within the average range. Pete’s mother and academic class teachers generally saw him as having some problems paying attention. His math teacher, who had been the one to urge Pete’s mother to take him to the pediatrician, rated Pete’s ability to attend to his assignments as being way below average.

After looking at the results of the standardized questionnaire, I spoke to Pete’s father. He confirmed that it was his impression that Pete had no difficulty with either his activity level or paying attention.

“Do you mind describing a typical day that you have with your son?” I asked.

“Well, let’s see. Last Saturday, when we woke up, we went to play golf.”

“Do you walk the course, or ride in a cart?”

“We walk.”

“Pete doesn’t mind?”

“Not at all. He loves doing physical stuff like that.”

“After golf, then what did you do?”

“We went back to my place, I made some sandwiches, and then I read the newspaper while Pete worked on his drawing. He loves to draw, and he’s pretty good. Then we went in the backyard. I have a basketball hoop set up there and we shot around for a while. Then we started to get supper together.”

“Does Pete help you with that?”

“Yes.”

“Does he get distracted in any way when you two work on supper?”

“Not at all. He’s very helpful. Then we ate supper, went down to the basement and played ping pong for maybe an hour. Then we went upstairs and watched a movie.”

“When he watches a movie with you, does he appear to have difficulty sitting through it?”

“Not usually. Occasionally, the movie strikes him as boring. After the movie, he went to bed.”

“Does he have any trouble sleeping when he stays with you?”

“No. We do a lot of physical stuff that tuckers him out, and he ends up sleeping soundly.”

I then spoke with Pete’s mom. Consistent with how she filled out the standardized questionnaire, she confirmed that it was her impression that Pete did have difficulty paying attention.

“Do you mind describing a typical day that you have with your son?” I asked her.

“Well, yesterday, I got him up at 7 so he could catch the school bus on time. He complained the whole time he got ready. He hates the ride to school.”

“How long a ride is it?”

“An hour, and he says he doesn’t get along with the kids he rides with.”

“I see. He has to sit on the bus for an hour with kids he doesn’t like, then he’s in school sitting most of the time doing school work. Then he takes the bus home, sitting for another hour with kids he doesn’t like. For a boy his age who loves to do physical activity stuff, I could see how this could be hard for him.”

“Yeah, but other kids do it.”

“Most do. Please tell me what happened when he got home.”

“Well, I got home a little after he did. I started preparing supper, and that’s when I have him doing his homework. I sit him at the kitchen table where I can keep an eye on him while I prepare the meal. And he gets very distracted. He starts an assignment one minute, and I look over and I catch him doodling. Over and over again he gets distracted.”

“I see. After sitting most of the day, you have him sit and do his homework?”

“Yes. That’s when I can best keep my eyes on him.”

“How about the rest of the evening?”

“He’s fine then. Besides doing his homework, the only other time I have trouble with him is when I try to get him to clean up his room. He starts to do it, but when I look in a few minutes later, he has become distracted with something else.”

Next, I interviewed Pete. After some pleasant discussion I said, “Your math teacher says you have trouble paying attention in class. What’s up with that?”

“Aaaaa, he makes us fill out these worksheets doing the same problems over and over again. If I know how to do it, why do I have to keep doing 20 more of them? It’s so boring.”

“I see. Say, I hear that you like to draw. Would you mind drawing something for me.?”

Pete’s eyes light up. “Sure. What do you want me to draw?”

“Anything you like.”

Pete begins, and I notice he appears to become completely absorbed in the task. I start to try to distract him by making some extraneous sounds. He glances up to see what the commotion is all about, sees it’s nothing serious, and resumes work on his drawing.

A half hour later, he shows me what he has created. It’s an imaginative otherworldly drawing with spaceships and fascinating creatures. There is an excellent sense of shadowing. It’s far superior to anything I can create in the drawing department.

When I finished my evaluation, I informed the parents that in my opinion it is not in Pete’s best interest to view the concern that has been expressed about his attention as due to ADHD. A more apt description is to view Pete as having an “Attention Priority Difference.” School work was not a huge priority for him. He much preferred to draw and do more physically active tasks than is currently provided at school. These preferences may turn out to be his greatest values. He may someday find work that he truly loves in a field where his artistic interest and talent are crucial. And his interest in physical activity may keep him far more healthier than the many sedentary Americans who are at an increased risk of a number of real illnesses.

“Well,” said the mother, “will Ritalin help Pete with his Attention Priority Difference?”

To which I replied, “Consider an analogous situation. Suppose we identified a group of children who are not doing as well as most kids in physical education. Would it make sense to make up a pathological sounding term for these low-performing students, such as “Muscular Deficit Disorder” and then have doctors prescribe steroids for them?

“In my view, people have different interests and talents. This is a wonderful thing, not something that should be pathologized. We don’t just need every person in America sitting in ivory towers. We need, as well, artists, computer experts, magnificent athletes, hairdressers, and on and on.

“When I hear of a child placed on Ritalin, I become concerned about the child’s stomach, nerves, and brain. Drugs that have been said to be safe have turned out to be far more toxic than anyone ever dreamed of. I become concerned about the social misery that goes along with being singled out as a child that must take a pill to fix him. More than a few kids have told me that this became a dreaded experience.

“I believe that teaching children to turn to drugs when they are dissatisfied with their behavior or mood runs counter to a healthy lifestyle.

“I prefer to put forth a view that encourages us to teach our youth about the blessings of keeping our bodies in lifelong possession of its full youthful state by keeping their blood free of stimulants and narcotics. I wish to teach our kids that it is possible that the morning sun, air and dew can be sufficient powerful intoxicants. Doing something that puts a smile on the lips of a loved one, accomplishing a valued challenging task, providing assistance to another human being—these are the directions I wish we would point to when we guide a child toward a more fulfilling life.”

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Tags ADHD, ADHD Treatment, Attention Priority Difference, attention problems, DSM, paying attention, pediatrician, Ritalin

Albert Einstein conflict resolution desire dig for the conflict happiness interpersonal conflicts psychiatry respect wisdom

The Desire for Happiness

Dealing with the frustration that goes along with challenging conflicts has some similarities to sailors dealing with stormy seas—it is best to utilize a well-rehearsed plan.

For dealing with conflicts, one such plan begins with thinking of the word “DIG.” With a little practice, we can use this word to remind us of a simple way to summarize the conflict even in the midst of swirling frustration.

The letters of the word “DIG” aids us to remember the words, “Desire,” “Interference,” and “Guilt.” Once we recall these words, we use them in a particular way.

First, we state what our desire is in the conflict, then, what is interfering, then, why we believe the other party in the conflict is guilty of doing something wrong. After doing this from our perspective, we then go through the same process from the perspective of the other party.

If we are thoroughly practiced in using this skill, the word “DIG“ not only helps us to create this concise description of the conflict even while in the midst of rising anger, it also helps us remember to dig a little to consider not just the most obvious desire that is involved in the conflict, but also what might be other desires that are involved.

Of course, in simple, low frustration conflicts none of this is necessary. There are times, however, that you will find that when all of those around you are beginning to get lost in a storm, your even-tempered, systematic guidance will calm the waters and lead to inviting harbors.

Conflicts in Which Happiness is the Desire

Now, sometimes when we describe a conflict it takes the following form:

“I desire to be happy, but the other party is interfering. The other party is guilty of making my life miserable.”

The desire to be happy has a special place in the life of many of us. Nevertheless, today I would like to advocate that you think twice whenever you, or the other party in a conflict, describes the desire part of the conflict as “to be happy.”

What’s wrong with Happiness as a Desire?

Describing a desire in a conflict as “to be happy” is too vague. With a little effort you can usually dig a little deeper and find a more specific description. Typically, it is better for a boss to say something like, “I desire that you come to work by 9 A.M. at least 95% of the time than, “I desire that you make me happy.”

Another reason to avoid happiness in your descriptions of your desire has to do with earning respect. If you are like so many of us, you probably want to avoid coming off as shallow or having superficial desires. To explain a little more of what I mean by this, I’m going to discuss a little of what Albert Einstein said on this topic and then present a little parable.

Albert Einstein on Happiness

In a book titled, Living Philosophies: A Series of Intimate Credos, the first chapter is by Albert Einstein. There he states:

The ideals which have always shone before me and filled me with the joy of living are goodness, beauty, and truth. To make a goal of comfort or happiness has never appealed to me; a system of ethics built on this basis would be sufficient for a herd of cattle. (p. 4)

When I read the rest of Einstein’s chapter, I came away with the following image. He kind of viewed happiness as one-half of an oscillation process, with sadness and happiness going back and forth, thrusting his ship forward, and where he chose to steer his ship was in the direction that led to goodness, beauty, and truth.

This is a deeper way to view the nature of happiness, and for those of us who want to be respected for being deep, in contrast to shallow, I think that there may be some value in meditating on this.

To further challenge you to think more deeply about the nature of happiness, please consider the following parable.

The Parable of Probliss

Once upon a green-blue planet, a scientist invented Probliss, a super powerful happiness pill. It made people as happy as anyone ever dreamed of. In fact Probliss was so effective in improving the happiness in people’s lives that a group of psychiatrists developed a plan that would have all of the people on the planet lie down on gurneys in sanitized rooms and then be hooked up intravenously so nourishment and Probliss could be directly delivered into the veins of everyone. If at any point people felt a little less than perfectly happy, all they had to do was press down with a fingertip and wonderful Probliss would soar into their lives creating pure, pure happiness.

Some didn’t like this plan. “What, no music, no love, no friends? Man, that sounds bleak!”

“True, none of that,” said the psychiatrists, “but far more happiness.”

And it came to pass that studies were done. The results proved indisputable–those on these gurneys who were attached to these machines that provided nourishment and Probliss developed far fewer diseases. They lived over ten years longer, and they were less of a danger to themselves or others when compared to those who lived their lives going out in the world without Probliss. Those who chose to live their lives in the old way, were much more likely to die in car crashes, accidental falls, and homicides. People on Probliss never died from these types of causes because all they did was lie on the gurney in a completely sterile, happy, and healthy state.

Once these results came in, the psychiatrists decided that everyone, from now on, would be tied down to gurneys, even if it was against their will. “It was for their own good,” the psychiatrists explained.

Now some men and women did manage to escape into a deep, green forest, experiencing anguish and tears, love and creativity, but not perfect happiness.

The End

Conclusion

And so, whenever you think you want to seek happiness, consider the value that goes along with identifying a more specific desire. You’re still likely to experience some happiness while seeking this newly identified desire, and some sadness too as setbacks tend to occur. These alterations of happiness and sadness are part of the process that keeps our lives moving forward. Choose wisely in what direction you truly wish to head. And learn to appreciate that there are deeper values in life than happiness.

My Best,

Jeff

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Tags Albert Einstein, conflict management, conflict resolution, desire, DIG Conflict Model, dig for the conflict, dispute management, frustration, happiness, psychiatry, respect, wisdom

conflict resolution crazy DSM The Diagnostic Manual of Mishegas

Crazy, Mentally Ill, and Meshuga

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date November 24, 2014
7 Comments on Crazy, Mentally Ill, and Meshuga

Followers of this blog seek to become experts in a branch of personal interactions referred to as name-calling. Among the words and phrases used in these interactions are “crazy,” “mentally ill,” and “meshuga.” In today’s post, I hope to weave a little narrative around their use in a manner that might take the sting out of them.

The Broad Use of These Words

These terms are often used so broadly that they mean the same thing as other words and phrases thrown at someone, such as “jerk,” “piece of trash,” “stupid idiot,” etc. When used like this, they all mean nothing more than the angry party strongly doesn’t like what the other party did. They serve as a type of exclamation point.

“I don’t like what you did,” is not as emotionally packed as, “Listen, you crazy idiot, I don’t like what you did!” Nor is it as emotionally packed as, “You must be mentally ill to do something like that, you jerk!” Nor is it as emotionally packed as, “Oy veh, you putz, you got to be meshuga to do something like that!!”

Of course, it is perfectly possible to convey emotionally packed exclamations without the use of these words. My mother was a master at this. Her abilities to clearly define what she objected to and to vary her tone of voice were all the tools she required to amply communicate to people where she stood on an issue.

The Special Similarities of Crazy, Mentally Ill, and Meshuga

Now, in addition to being used as general insults, “crazy,” “mentally ill,” and “meshuga” can also be viewed as falling into a group of ideas that have more similarities than most of the other insults that might be picked at random. That is, I would guess that “crazy” and “mentally ill” are viewed by most people as being more alike than “crazy” and “jerk,” even though each could be used as general insults.

It is important to note that there are people in our communities that have adopted a particular narrow use of the term “mentally ill.” To illustrate this, Margaret believes she has a mental illness and values that she has come to accept that about herself. For her, conflicts spring up when she hears someone use the term, “mentally ill” in its more broad, general insult manner. For example, let’s say Margaret is sitting in her backyard, and she hears that her neighbor, Tim, has gotten into a conflict with Ron. Suddenly she hears Tim shouting at Ron that he is a no good mentally ill idiot!!! Even though the conflict has, in a sense, nothing to do with Margaret, she becomes angry with Tim for using the term “mentally ill” in this broad, general insult manner. There is actually no law requiring that Tim adopt the narrower meaning that Margaret uses, but she is still outraged at him.

Who Should Get to Decide When it is Proper to use Terms Such as Crazy, Mentally Ill or Meshuga as a general Insult or in Some Particular Narrow Sense?

The actress, Marlene Dietrich, when asked if she believed in God, replied, “If there is a supreme being, he’s crazy.” In some religious communities, she would have been viewed as crazy for saying this. Meanwhile, Dr. Sigmund Freud, who is thought of by many as having been a great expert on mental illness, believed that all religious people suffer from a mental illness. Dr. Carl Jung, an equally great expert on the subject, disagreed with Freud, believing instead that religious people, even people today viewed as psychotic, may be in touch with deep and ancient truths.

When I was a young boy growing up in the Brooklyn neighborhood of Brighton Beach, I heard people from time to time being called a “meshugana,” which I was told means in Yiddish, “a crazy person.” What was unique about how the Yiddish term was used in Brighton Beach, is that as soon as someone was said to be a meshugana, it was very common to have someone stick up for that person with the words, “Hey, everyone has their own mishegas.” Loosely translated, this means that we all have a little craziness within us, so let’s not pretend to be so high and mighty by putting someone down like this.

Now, for people who want to know if they are really mentally ill, they can get the latest version of the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders), which was developed by the American Psychiatric Association. I happen to have a copy of it, and as I’ve been studying its pages, it has become apparent that with little imagination we can all be viewed as having some mental illness. That works out pretty good for psychiatrists because this way they never have to turn away any customers who come to their office seeking to become their patients.

But what if we really want to find out if we really, truly are crazy? Fortunately, there is now an alternative to the DSM, which can finally set us straight. It’s called the Diagnostic Manual of Mishegas (DMOM), and as the ad for it explains, the authors divide

all mental disorders into two realms: mishegas major and mishegas minor. And for each of the sub-categories it analyzes… yenta, kvetch, alter kocker, shnorrer, dementia-with-benefits, etc…THE DMOM will enable readers to transform ordinary tsuris and mishegas—the glooms, blues, angsts, and general chazzerie of their lives—into transcendent and easy-to-understand categories. It will turn kvetching into kvelling and guilt into gelt, so that readers will learn to live at peace with their inner mishegas and to treasure its precious and life-giving absurdities.

Well, I have nothing that can top that, so until we meet again, don’t let the insults get to you.

My Best,

Jeff

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Tags Carl Jung, crazy, DSM, mental illness, Mentally ill, Meshugana, Mishegas, sigmund freud, The Diagnostic Manual of Mishegas