Category: types of criticism

UNSOLICITED CRITICISM: GOOD OR BAD?

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date February 17, 2013
13 Comments on UNSOLICITED CRITICISM: GOOD OR BAD?

“Judy, it’s so nice to see you,” I say as she comes into my office and sits down on my couch.

“I’ve been reading your blog again, Dr Rubin. It’s filled with a bunch of hogwash.”

“Hmmm, it sounds like there are some ideas in it that you don’t care for.”

“I read last night two of your blog posts–Is Criticism Bad and Criticism and Wisdom. What a bunch of nonsense!”

“I’m very interested in your point of view, Judy. Please tell me more specifically about what you disagree with in those posts.”

“Well, you talk about this John Stuart Mill. According to him, if people criticize us, even for holding an opinion we are very sure of, we should thank them for it, open our minds to listen to them, and rejoice. That’s ridiculous! If you don’t have something nice to say to somebody you should keep your stupid mouth shut! And, as far as I’m concerned, unless I give someone permission to criticize me, that person has no right to inflict it upon me!”

Judy (not her real name) raises some important issues about unsolicited criticism. And many people have quite a bit of sympathy for her position.

SYMPATHY FOR JUDY’S POSITION

Consider the following comic:

The above Baby Blues comic comically plays around with this idea that you should not offer an opinion to people unless they invite you to give it. In the comic, not only are unsolicited opinions being provided by the girl, but she is actually charging people for the opinion—a double slap in the face.

Why aren’t unsolicited negative criticisms welcomed?

They hurt because it brings up the feeling of “not being liked.” When we come to realize this, we may pause before giving an opinion, which is a type of criticism, and ask ourselves if it is worth the risk of starting a conflict about being liked.

Thomas Jefferson felt that even hurtful criticism should not be against the law, especially when directed against government officials. He felt this way even though he personally experienced criticism as deeply painful. Thus, he wrote to James Monroe that the criticism he received while war governor of Virgina “had inflicted a wound on my spirit which will only be cured by the all-healing grave.”

Despite how very painful criticism was, at times, for Jefferson, he supported the right to provide criticism–even unsolicited criticism–to the end of his life. To Jefferson, freedom to criticize was protection from tyranny.

CRITICISM AND OUR BASIC HUMAN RIGHTS

Judy spoke about her “right” to NOT be given any criticism unless she gives her permission. Does this mean she thinks it is against the law for someone to criticize unless the criticism is invited? Although I am no legal scholar, it is my understanding that the issue of a person’s “rights,” as understood in this country, points the other way. Rather than the right to silence speech, don’t we have a right to speak up whenever we disagree with someone?

It seems to me that insisting that no one has the right to provide another person criticism unless invited to do so just won’t work. The Soviet Union tried to squelch criticism and despite being backed up by an enormous military, failed miserably. Criticism soon oozed out of every joint that government tried to seal.

CRITICISM IS COMING OUR WAY WHETHER WE LIKE IT OR NOT

My mother, whom I loved dearly, passed away a few years back. She was a strong verbal supporter of the proverb–If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. And yet, from time to time, she would frown at something someone would do, and, far more rarely, she would blow-up in an outrage.

I doubt that anyone can live in a manner completely consistent with one of my mother’s favorite proverbs. And any government insisting on this principle would be as successful as the United States was when it went through its period of alcohol prohibition.

The plain fact is that all of us will be provided with negative criticism from time to time. Even if we choose to be a hermit, we’ll probably spend some of our alone time criticizing ourselves.

SINCE IT IS COMING OUR WAY, WE WOULD BE WISE TO LEARN TO DEAL WITH IT

Criticism is just part of our shared human existence. And sometimes something is bugging us about what someone is doing and it can unnecessarily lead to the end of a valued relationship if we don’t discuss it with that person. Rather then seeking to squelch the criticism, we are better off learning to provide it in a wise and thoughtful manner (see post titled PROVIDING NEGATIVE CRITICISM: FIVE LEVELS OF MATURITY), and to respond to it in a wise and thoughtful manner as well (see post titled RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: FOUR LEVELS OF MATURITY.)

Now, don’t misunderstand me. There are times when someone is providing me one criticism after another and it is becoming too much for me to process all at once. There are other times when someone is providing me with criticism that is in a style using a tone of voice that is hard for me to bear. Sometimes I have been bombarded by some other type of stress, and then I come in contact with someone, and I may not be in any mood to hear any criticism for the rest of the day. Under these sets of circumstances, I believe it makes perfectly good sense to briefly let the person I’m with know that I’m usually very open to hearing criticism, but for right now, I need a little break (see blog post SUMMARIZE AND DELAY). Then I can, over a period of time, regain my sense of balance and figure out how best to move forward. And I also think that it is OK to encourage others to provide you criticism in a manner that is easier for you to handle.

My preference is to let anyone that I know clearly understand that I am open to receive criticism most of the time, and I accept that it might feel, at times, hurtful. I feel that to do otherwise may, perhaps, result in people keeping silent to my face but end up talking behind my back. I would be left unable to address the concerns expressed in the criticism. Moreover, I have learned that for me the challenging feelings that come up when I am criticized and are sometimes experienced as hurtful are really part of a helpful emotional process that leads me into deeper thought about the issues that come up upon receiving the criticism. Finally, I think openness to criticism and seeking to address criticism is the path to wisdom.

I also think that people have a higher degree of respect for those who are open to criticism and can respond to it in a self-assured, mature manner. People tend to admire a person who recognizes that even hurtful criticism, when wisely considered, has the potential to be of value; that facing criticism head-on is our only opener of our eyes to the fulness of truth.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Tags anger, bullied, conflict, criticism, emotional intelligence, emotions, frustration, insults, John Stuart Mill on Liberty, maturity, maturity levels, psychological maturity, respect, types of criticism, wisdom

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ABRAHAM LINCOLN AND CONFLICT

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date February 2, 2013
2 Comments on ABRAHAM LINCOLN AND CONFLICT

When we describe a conflict it is useful to avoid insults and relate it to something that will occur in the future. Old Abe Lincoln was a master at this. Before illustrating this with Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address, let’s take a few moments to review this idea with one of our favorite comics.

Bumstead Gets Into Trouble

Please consider the following comic.

Now, let’s pretend we know what happens after Dagwood arrives at his office. Immediately, his boss, Mr. Dithers throws an insult at him, yelling that he is a Bobblehead!

Dagwood responds by becoming defensive and starts screaming and throwing insults at his boss which leads to getting fired.

His boss is now stuck trying to replace Dagwood, and Dagwood has to look for a new job. Upon reflection, both parties come to realize that this was not the best outcome to the conflict.

Consider, if you will, another scenario. Dagwood, upon arriving at work and hearing his boss’s insult, recognizes his boss is probably insulting him because he has a conflict with him about coming to work late. Dagwood, instead of insulting his boss, looks concerned and summarizes the conflict by saying, “You’re angry with me because you desired that your employers come to work on time, and I interfered with your desire by coming to work late. You feel I’m guilty because I’m over an hour late.”

This wording is a pretty good step toward describing the conflict. However, it can be improved. Notice that it describes the desire and the act that interfered with Mr. Dithers’ desire as all happening in the past. A more helpful thing to do is to try to describe the conflict, without insults, as something important to the future. It is helpful to spend at least some time, when describing a conflict, to focus on the future because the past can’t be changed, and conflicts, when wisely considered, are designed to lead us to improving our futures. Your job, when you are an expert in conflict resolution, will be to translate the common but immature way to express a conflict into a language that reveals the true nature of conflicts.

Let’s apply this lesson to Dithers’ conflict with Bumstead.

When Bumstead arrives at the office in our example, Dithers starts to yell at Bumstead, “You Bobblehead, you’re an hour late!” This sure seems like the conflict is about something that occurred in the past. But, if you will, consider this scenario:

Bumstead upon arriving at work and hearing his boss yell an insult at him, says “Boss, I’m sorry that I’m late. The elevator broke down. Now that I am late, is there something that you desire that I get done that you are afraid I won’t get done because I arrived late?”

Suddenly Mr. Dithers realizes that the real reason he is upset is that the Smith report has to get done before the end of the day.

Bumstead then summarizes the conflict in a concerned manner, “Boss, you want me to complete the Smith report that I promised would go out by the end of the day, and now that I arrived late, you are worried that all of my other duties I have to accomplish during the remaining workday will interfere with your desire. You feel I’m guilty of being an irresponsible employee. Is that correct?”

“Yes!” cries Mr. Dithers.

This restating of the original conflict points us in an easier direction for resolving the conflict. Arguing all day about coming to work late today will only waste time and can end up getting Bumstead fired. Thinking about how to get that report out as soon as possible can be far more productive.

Bumstead, now focused on what the major concern of his boss is, perhaps might reply, “Boss, I know how important it is to you to get that report out, so when the elevator got stuck, I wrote the report sitting on the elevator floor.” Or perhaps Bumstead might reply, “Since it is so important to you to get that report out, I’ll work over my lunch break and get it done.” Or Bumstead might reply, “I’ll work late today until the report is done, and then I’ll bring the report to the overnight mail service. They have a pick-up as late as 7:30 pm.”

Any of these replies, all designed to address Dithers’ concern about a problem relevant to the future (getting the Smith report done by the end of the day) will be more helpful in calming Dithers’ concern then either Bumstead getting defensive or both Bumstead and Dithers arguing about some things that have all occurred in the past.

It is for this, and many other reasons that we will be discussing in future posts, that it is helpful to try our best to describe a conflict as something relevant to the future.

Insult Avoiding, Forward Looking Abraham Lincoln

Arguably the best example in all of history of a statesman describing a conflict in a manner that avoids insults while focussing attention on a relevant future occurred when Lincoln gave his Gettysburg Address.

Over forty thousand men died during the three-day battle at Gettysburg, and bitterness was in the hearts of those who came to hear Lincoln’s words. If asked for the reason to continue the war, many might have pointed to the violent events in the recent past and thrown vicious insults at the rebels. But Lincoln provides not single insult. Instead, he begins his speech reminding all in attendance what the war is about.

Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure.

We see here Lincoln focussing the listeners’ attention on the worthy cause of this nation enduring into the future.

After Lincoln’s first two sentences, notice how his next three sentences show respect for what had taken place but then hastens once gain to connect this with something relevant to the future:

We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.

In those three sentences, Lincoln again directs the attention of his listeners to what those who lost their lives were fighting for, “that that nation might live.”

Although spending time to honor the brave men of the battle is altogether fitting and proper, as Lincoln continues, the future aspects of the conflict is further developed. Thus:

But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate — we can not consecrate — we can not hallow — this ground…. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us — that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion — that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain — that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom — and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.

We see here, not a single insult directed at those on the other side of this conflict. Instead, Lincoln brilliantly moves his audience, all of whom are engaged in the conflict of their lives, from the vivid past to a relevant future. We all must learn to do this if we are to become experts in dealing with conflict.

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Tags Abraham Lincoln, anger, bullied, conflict, criticism, dig for the conflict, disrespectful, Gettysburg Address, insults, maturity, name calling, negative criticism, psychological maturity, respect, types of criticism, wisdom

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DENNIS THE MENACE AND CRITICISM: AN ADVANCED LESSON

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date January 27, 2013
4 Comments on DENNIS THE MENACE AND CRITICISM: AN ADVANCED LESSON

In my previous post, I offered some suggestions for dealing with criticism. There, I mentioned that in difficult situations I have found it helpful before providing criticism to pause. Because people want to be liked and to be free to make their own decisions, during my pause I think about how to minimize any perceived threat to these two desires.

To practice this skill, I then presented the following Dennis The Menace comic strip:

In my previous post, I pointed out that Gina, the socially clever girl in the comic, noticing a conflict has popped up in her neighborhood, helps out by letting Dennis know how much he is loved at home. I also mentioned that while criticizing Dennis about his room, his mom could have said something like this: “Dennis, I sure love you. It’s so much fun to have you around. It’s getting about that time to clean up your room. Do you want to do it now, or in an hour from now?” By letting Dennis know that she loves him and then giving him a choice, Dennis’s mom could have come off as more loving and less bossy.

A master at dealing with criticism must become highly skilled at addressing concerns about the desire to be loved and to maintain freedom. For this reason, we will be going over many examples of how to address these concerns in coming weeks. As for today, let’s dig a little deeper into the situation illustrated in the above comic.

Digging Deeper

Please take an especially good look at the following panels from the above comic:

It appears to me that Dennis has a conflict with his mother about her desire that he pick up his room. Judging from the expression on Dennis’s mom and dad, they seem to be turning angry over Dennis’s response.

When this type of situation happens in Dennis The Menace comic strips, his parents usually end up responding by making Dennis sit in a corner.

Other parents in this type of situation feel that Dennis should be told that he should not answer back, and that he should be forced to do what he is told to do. If Dennis does not comply, such parents believe Dennis’s parents should beat some sense into him. This type of parenting has been referred to as an authoritarian approach. Critics of an authoritarian approach say that it leads sons and daughters to feel like they are pawns rather than origins.

When people feel like pawns, they feel pushed around, and they feel that they are like puppets with someone else pulling the strings. This leads to resentment and recurring conflicts. We get a sense of this resentment in the following comic:

Notice the angry expression on Dennis’s face and his hands balled up into fists.

Feeling like a pawn may be contrasted with feeling like I have an influence over what I do—that I have played at least a part in originating my behavior. We say that when people feel this way they feel like an origin. Parents who help their children to feel like origins, instead of using an authoritarian style of leadership, use an authoritative style of leadership. When we become skillful at using the DIG Conflict Model to deal with criticism and to resolve conflicts, we become authoritative leaders.

So, if Dennis’s parents, Henry and Alice, were skillful at using the DIG Conflict Model, what might that look like?

First, They Would Summarize and Delay.

Henry, realizing that he and Alice have become angry at Dennis’s comment, would very quickly respectfully summarize Dennis’s perspective (See blog post titled Summarize and Delay for a complete description of this approach).

To do this, Henry uses the word DIG to remind him to dig for what Dennis desires in this situation, what Dennis views as interfering with his desire, and what Dennis thinks his mother is guilty of doing wrong. Because he is so well-practiced at this, even though he is angry, Henry does this rather easily.

“Dennis,” says Henry, I think I understand how you are feeling. It looks to me like you desire that Mom will stop telling you to pick up your room. You feel she is interfering with this desire when she tells you that you have to do it. You feel she is guilty of treating you unfairly because I pay her to pick up your room. Is that right?”

“That’s right,” Dennis replies, “you pay her to clean up, and it’s not fair that she wants me to do it!”

“Okay, Dennis,” I understand. “Your Mom and I are always interested in what you have to say. We’re going to think about this for a little while, and then Mom and I will discuss this with you some more.”

During this calming-down period, Dennis is not pressured to pick up his room. The topic is dropped.

Second, They Are a Wise Friend to Their Angry Self.

As Henry and Alice leave Dennis, they keep in mind that their angry self does not have to seek to suppress any anger to reach a state of relative calm (see BEING A WISE FRIEND TO YOUR ANGRY SELF). They are confident this will occur naturally without any effort at all. They just listen to what is going on inside of themselves in a caring manner, just like a good friend would, and they are confident that their calm will return.

Now, as Alice and Henry go through this calming period, they notice their angry selves chattering away, saying things like, “That Dennis is acting like an idiot! He is a stupid jerk for making me angry.” Other derogatory statements about the source of their anger come to mind. They realize this is just part of the anger process.

At such times, they simply observe their angry self in a nonjudgmental manner as this is happening. They are as kind to their angry selves as they can be throughout this process—just like a good, compassionate friend would.

Third, After They Calm Down They Map out a Plan.

Once they are in a state of relative calm, Henry and Alice begin to respond to the conditions that led to anger in a more reasonable manner. They calmly discuss the issue with each other, and Alice calls a couple of friends whom she respects to get their take on how this situation can best be handled. Soon they feel comfortable with a plan that they have created.

Fourth, They Carry Out the Plan.

Alice and Henry call Dennis in for a discussion and quickly summarize for him what had happened. Then Alice says, “Dennis, from what happened, I can see that you are starting to get some ideas about Dad giving me money and what I have to do for it. That’s good. Let me explain a little more about how this works.

“When Dad goes to work, he does some things for his boss, and his boss does some things in return for Dad. One thing the boss does is pay Dad some money for the work that Dad does for him. At home, I do some things for Dad, and he, in return, does some things for me. For example, I cook dinner most of the time and wash the dishes. In return, Dad gives me some money, and sometimes he goes to the store to pick up some things I need, or he goes with me to a party. So, you see how it works, Dad does some things for me, and in return, I do things for him.

“Now, your Dad and I do lots of things for you, so it seems to us that it’s only fair that you do some things for us. Here’s some things that Dad and I do for you–we make you meals, we wash your dishes, we take you to parties, we buy you toys, and do lots of other things for you. What do you do in return for us?”

“I go to school,” says Dennis.

“Dennis,” says Henry, “we don’t think that when you go to school it is for us. When you go to school, that helps you to learn to read, count, and stuff like that. Mom and I do things for you. What do you do for us in return?”

After thinking about this, Dennis appears stuck.

“One thing I want you to do for us,” says Alice, “is to pick up your room when I ask you to do it. When it gets messy in your room, I can trip and hurt myself, or I might step on something and break it. I also like the way it looks when the room is all picked up. When I ask you to pick up your room, you don’t have to do it right away if you feel you are busy with something else, but after I ask you, before the end of the day, I want it picked up. Is that fair?”

“I guess so, Mom,” Dennis replies.

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Tags anger, bullied, bullying, conflict, conflict management, criticism, dig for the conflict, disrespectful, emotional intelligence, emotions, negative criticism, parenting, respect, wisdom

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DEALING WITH CRITICISM: LESSONS FROM DENNIS THE MENACE

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date January 19, 2013
3 Comments on DEALING WITH CRITICISM: LESSONS FROM DENNIS THE MENACE

In a recent post (Dealing with Criticism by Digging Deeper) I discussed some difficult situations that may occur when we deal with criticism. There, I mentioned that in these types of situations, it can be helpful to do our best to describe what the criticizer’s most obvious desire is for providing the criticism and then to look to see if there are any other desires that might be involved. To help us to dig a little deeper to find any of the other important desires in a difficult situation, I provided readers with two types of tools to dig, two types of shovels to dig, if you will.

a. look for the desire to be liked or loved.

b. look for the desire to be free to make one’s own decision.

Today, we begin to get some practice utilizing these two shovels.

PRACTICE

Consider the following Dennis the Menace comic:

In this comic, obviously, Dennis’s mother desires that he straighten up his room. What other desires are important to consider? It appears to me that Dennis’s mother is glaring at him. Hmmm?

When a boy hears his mom criticizing him in this way, there’s a chance his desire to be liked will feel threatened. Is there also a chance that there is another important desire in this challenging situation?

As criticism is being provided to us, we often begin to think something like, “I’m not going to let this person push me into doing something I don’t want to do. I’ll do whatever I want, and I don’t need anyone pushing me around.” This stance is part of what we call defensiveness.

EASING THE LIKING PROBLEM

When the desire to be liked and loved raises its mischievous head, we can let the person who has been criticized know that he is liked. This is what Dennis’s friend, Gina, does to lower the intensity of Dennis’s anger in the comic.

When Gina tells Dennis that his mom will cry if he leaves, Dennis is reminded that his mom really does love him.

Then Gina explains to Dennis that not only will his mom miss him, so too will his dad and dog. Dennis ends up deciding to resolve his conflict and go back home. Gina helped to resolve the conflict by focusing on easing the “liking” problem in this conflict.

Now let’s consider what we can do to help to resolve the problems in this situation by focusing on easing the “freedom” problem.

EASING THE FREEDOM PROBLEM

In the Dennis the Menace comic, while criticizing him, his mom could have offered Dennis the freedom to choose between two times to pick up his room. More specifically, she could have said something like this: “Dennis, I sure love you. It’s so much fun to have you around. It’s getting about that time to clean up your room. Do you want to do it now, or in an hour from now?” By giving a child a choice, a parent can come off as less bossy.

To help to come up with these types of ideas, the one thing I tend to do before providing criticism is to pause. Recognizing that I am about to provide criticism, and knowing that people tend to get defensive about not being liked and having their freedom threatened, I think about how to ease any perceived threat to these two desires.

SUMMARY

Many people associate criticism with not being liked.
Many people associate criticism with an attempt to reduce their freedom to make their own decisions.

Once we learn to be skillful at recognizing these types of conflicts, we are in a better position to come up with plans to either resolve them or to lower their intensity. Therefore, in future posts I will be frequently providing examples that allows the reader to practice this skill.

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INTRAPERSONAL CONFLICTS AND CHARLIE BROWN: ADVANCE LESSON

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date January 1, 2013
4 Comments on INTRAPERSONAL CONFLICTS AND CHARLIE BROWN: ADVANCE LESSON

A few weeks ago I published a post titled CONFLICTS WITH OURSELVES: LESSONS FROM CHARLIE BROWN. Today, let’s quickly review the ideas presented there, and then move on to discuss a few more.

Review

When one person has a conflict with another person, we call this an interpersonal conflict. An intrapersonal conflict occurs when a person has a conflict with himself or herself.

When we describe a conflict using the DIG Conflict Model, the letters of the word, “DIG,” helps to remind us to first dig to find the DESIRE, then something that INTERFERES with the desire, and finally, the GUILT. Earlier, we looked at the following example of an intrapersonal conflict:

When we looked earlier at this example, I provided the following tentative description of Charlie Brown’s intrapersonal conflict:

Charlie Brown seems to desire that he not yell at his baby sister, but the fact that he did has led him to perceive that, interfering with his desire, he is likely to continue his yelling at his sister. He appears to feel guilty for his actions by saying he feels terrible and hates himself.

It would be simpler to describe this conflict by saying:

Charlie Brown desired that he not yell at his baby sister, but he interfered with his desire by yelling at her. He felt guilty about it.

In this simpler description, we still have all of the three conditions for a conflict–that is, the desire, the interfering act and the guilt. But they all took place in the past. To become an expert at dealing with conflicts, we must learn to describe an existing conflict as something relevant to the future. This skill will help us to prevent similar conflicts from recurring over and over again.

Okay, so there’s our summary in what was presented the last time we discussed intrapersonal conflicts. Let’s now move on to some more advanced ideas.

Advanced Lesson

Whenever we have a conflict with ourselves, we oftentimes present to ourselves some negative criticism. In the above three panels of the Charlie Brown comic, Charlie Brown indicates he has evaluated how he treated his sister and he makes it clear that he doesn’t like what he did. When we evaluate something and state we don’t like what we evaluated, we have provided negative criticism.

In an earlier blog, we looked at providing negative criticism during interpersonal conflicts. We saw that according to the DIG Conflict Model, there are five levels of maturity when it comes to providing negative criticism (see blog post titled, PROVIDING NEGATIVE CRITICISM: FIVE LEVELS OF MATURITY). Level 1 is viewed as the most immature level, and level 2 is viewed as a bit more mature, and so on. Readers of this blog were encouraged to familiarize themselves with the five levels, and then to use them in the following way:

First, they learn to recognize that they are getting ready to provide somebody criticism.

Then they pause to think about how they are likely to provide the criticism.

Then, before they provide the negative criticism, they decide what level of maturity the criticism they are likely to give is at. If it is below level 4, they try to change the criticism so that it matches level 4, or even level 5.

In this example, the man is the employer of the woman who wrote a report. After looking it over, he sees he is likely to provide criticism in a style that would best match level 2, which states:

2. This level requires displaying one or both of the following:

The criticizer does not explain what the offending behavior is, but instead expresses displeasure with glares, insults, shouting, silence, or threats that do not involve bodily harm.
Threatens bodily harm regardless of what else is said.

Now, I understand that some of you might feel that the employer deserves a higher rating because he does explain what the offending behavior is when he says the report is stupid. But this just indicates in some vague way that he doesn’t like the report using the insulting word, “stupid.” In my opinion, his comment is not an adequate description of what he doesn’t like about the report to warrant a more mature rating.

Seeing that this type of criticism is a bit immature, the man’s job in this example would then be to try to come up with a form of criticism that matches one of the more mature levels. One of the more mature levels is level 4:

4. The criticizer states the criticism without bodily attacks, damaging property, glares, insults, threats, or shouts, and with enough details so that the criticized person, if he or she wills, can improve the behavior, idea, or appearance. If the person receiving the criticism becomes defensive or angry, the criticizer empathizes without returning glares, insults, threats, or shouts.

In this example, by pausing and thinking about level 4, the man asks himself to describe his criticism in a clearer, more precise way than shouting “The report is stupid!” To help him to clarify his thoughts, he uses the word “DIG.” Thus, he says to himself that “I desire that in the future this woman who wrote this report will follow the directions that I give her and interfering with this desire is the fact that in this report she did not do so. I think she is guilty of ignoring my directions.”

Having slowed down so he can think about this, the man now decides that the best way to provide the criticism to the woman is to wait until he has managed to calm himself down enough so he can speak to her using a respectful tone of voice and without any insulting words. Then he will go over the first direction he had given to her and ask her to describe how she might have written the report so that he would have seen that the report writer is following his direction. If she is not sure how to respond, he could then explain more thoroughly what he wants when she attempts to follow this direction. After clarifying the first direction, he could go over in a similar way his second direction, and so forth.

Now, I don’t mean to suggest that this is the only resolution to this employer’s conflict. For example, he could instead assign the best report writer in his company to mentor this employer. The mentor would review each of her reports before she hands them in, show her copies of high quality reports, and so on. The point is that this employer can improve the quality of his criticism by pausing before providing the criticism, thinking about how he is preparing to provide the criticism, comparing it to the five levels of providing negative criticism, and then seeking a way to change the criticism to something that matches a more mature level.

With intrapersonal conflicts we carry out a similar plan as we do with interpersonal conflicts.

Let’s return to our Charlie Brown example:

Here we see that even before first recognizing he is about to provide himself negative criticism, he has already done so. That’s not the end of the world. Many old habits are not easy to change quickly, and if you find yourself slipping into past styles of dealing with conflicts, you need not beat yourself up over this. There are better ways to helpfully carry on.

In our Charlie Brown example, even after having already provided negative criticism, he can still go through the steps we discussed for dealing with interpersonal conflicts. That is, he can first look at how he did criticize himself and then compare it to the five levels of providing criticism. Then, he can pick out which of the five levels best matches his response.

In my judgement, Charlie Brown’s response falls somewhere between level 2 and level 3.

Level 2 states:

2. This level requires displaying one or both of the following:

The criticizer does not explain what the offending behavior is, but instead expresses displeasure with glares, insults, shouting, silence, or threats that do not involve bodily harm.
Threatens bodily harm regardless of what else is said.

Charlie Brown, in this example does state what the offending behavior is. That is, he says, “I shouldn’t have yelled at her, she is only a baby.” But to match level 3 his response would have to look like this:

3. The criticizer clearly states the criticism with enough detail so the criticized person, if he or she wills, can improve the behavior, idea, or appearance, but couples it with glares, insults, shouts, or threats that are not about bodily harm.

Charlie Brown’s criticism of himself, in my opinion, is not quite clear enough to fully match level three. The fact that he repeatedly says he hates himself seems to be an example of insulting himself so that part of his criticism matches both level 2 and 3.

Once Charlie Brown figures out about what level his response had been, he could then see if he could come up with a response that better matches a more mature response, perhaps level 4, or even level 5.

Attempting to describe interpersonal conflicts using the letters in the word “DIG” can be helpful for coming up with a more mature response. Similarly, attempting to describe intrapersonal conflicts using the letters in the word “DIG” can be helpful for coming up with a more mature response. What would that look like? Here’s one way Charlie Brown can do this:

He tells himself,

I desire that I not yell at my baby sister, but the fact that I did has led me to guess that, interfering with my desire, I’m likely to continue yelling at her. I feel guilty for my actions.

Notice that there are no insults in this statement. This statement is an important step toward coming up with negative criticism that matches a level 4 or 5 response. Charlie Brown still must go on from here to come up with a plan that can help him to become less likely to yell at his baby sister. Next week we will begin to look at some plans to help him do just that.

Practice

For those of you who truly want to become a master at dealing with intrapersonal conflicts, I recommend that you now take the time to either print out the five levels of providing negative criticism (see PROVIDING NEGATIVE CRITICISM: FIVE LEVELS OF MATURITY) or if you don’t have a printer, write them out in any way you can. Then, tape them to your refrigerator door. This week, each time you see them, try to recall some time that you provided negative criticism to yourself. Try to recall just what you said to yourself. Then, try to see what level best matched what you said to yourself, and if it is less than a 4 or 5 level, try to create a response that would match a higher level response. With this type of practice, you will soon see some real progress in your skills to deal effectively with intrapersonal conflicts.

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Tags anger, bullies, bully, bullying, challenge, conflict, conflict management, criticism, dig for the conflict, emotional intelligence, emotions, frustration, negative criticism, psychological maturity, threats, types of criticism

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INSULTS: LESSONS FROM THE CASE OF THE MAN SENTENCE TO JAIL FOR MOCKING DISABLED GIRL

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date December 1, 2012
6 Comments on INSULTS: LESSONS FROM THE CASE OF THE MAN SENTENCE TO JAIL FOR MOCKING DISABLED GIRL

A while back I saw a YouTube video dealing with insults that made someone cry went viral. It is called, Bus Stop Ignorance.

In the video we see 43-year-old William Bailey taunting Hope Knight, a ten-year old girl with cerebral palsy. Hope uses crutches and Mr. Bailey, in the video, mocks the way she walks. He also gets his son to join him in the taunting.

According to ABC news, Mr. Bailey was caught on an iPod camera by Hope’s grandmother, Marie Prince, while she was picking up Hope at the school bus stop.

William Bailey “was dragging his leg and patting his arm across his chest to pick his son Joseph up,” said Hope’s dad. “I asked him to please stop doing this. ‘My daughter can see you.’ He then told his son to walk like the R-word.”

On Nov. 27, Judge John A. Poulos of the Canton Municipal Court sentenced Mr. Bailey to 29 days in jail.

Here, sitting in front of her mother, we see Hope covering her eyes to hide her tearful reaction as the taunting is discussed.

Hope was born 29 weeks premature after the Knights were involved in a head-on auto collision. When Hope was born, she weighed only two pounds, 12 ounces, which caused several medical problems resulting in two brain surgeries. She fought for her life the first two years. And now, to have to face this….

Here’s Mr. Bailey and his son being interviewed about this incident.

Mr. Bailey at first denied mocking Hope. But then he said he was reacting to name-calling directed at his son. Mr. Bailey entered a plea of ‘no contest’ to a menacing charge and to disorderly conduct.

Through his lawyer, Mr. Bailey has provided an apology. “To Hope and her family, please accept my apology for my inappropriate behavior. I know that my actions were immature and lacked the respect you deserve. I didn’t realize the impact this incident would have upon both of our families and I truly regret it.”

So, there you have it. According to Mr. Bailey, he insulted the girl as a reaction to someone, presumably from the Knight family, calling his son names. He doesn’t say who started it, but most people would agree that even if someone from the Knight family started the name calling first, Mr. Bailey’s reaction was still wrong.

It is interesting that many people who responded to the video and felt Mr. Bailey’s actions were wrong included in their criticism of him, insults and advocated that someone needed to beat him up. For example, one person wrote, “I’d be worried about this idiot and his idiotic son retaliating when he’s released. Anyone with that cruel type of mentality is not to be trusted.” Another wrote, “Would love to beat the living crap out of this turd.”

According to the DIG Conflict Model we have been discussing on this blog, providing criticism with physical attacks is the lowest level of psychological maturity on a five-level scale (see HERE). Calling a person names or insulting the person in other ways is a level 2 response, the second lowest level of maturity. Both physical attacks and insults increase the probability of an escalation until someone gets killed. The last thing that is in the best interest of ten-year old Hope is for her father to end up dead.

Rather then to think of Mr. Bailey as an idiot, the DIG Conflict Model teaches us to view him at some very specific level of psychological maturity. It also provides us some very specific information about what he has to learn to reach a higher level.

I know that many people feel that for most situations the five levels of criticism make sense but when someone acts as Mr. Bailey did, it’s time to put the five levels aside. Moreover, they feel that it is perfectly correct to call him every name in the book!

Well, let me see if I can encourage those individuals to change their minds without calling them any names.

First of all, one reason that I view styles of providing criticism in a developmental framework is it fits my own personal experience.

When I was very young, I remember distinctly some kids in my elementary school insulting someone that was a little different than the rest of us. I laughed along, finding the situation genuinely funny.

As I matured, at one point, some students called a kid that was also a little different than us some names, and I laughed, but as I did, I remember feeling that it wasn’t quite right. Later that day, as we went down the stairwell at school, I told the kid I was sorry.

Then, one day I had a party and many of my friends brought dates. At one point during the party, a couple of my friends started teasing another friend about bringing a girl to the party who wasn’t very smart. They teased him in front of the girl, and I noticed her face turning very red. I found that I did not laugh at all. I thought the girl’s reaction would be enough to get my friends to stop insulting her, but a couple of minutes later they said something about her that was even more insulting. I asked to speak to them, and we went into another room for some privacy.

“You know I love you guys,” I began, “but the things you’re saying about that girl, I’d like you to cut it out.”

“Hey,” said one of my friends, “can I help it if that girl has the intelligence of a kumquat!”

I must admit that I did let out a little involuntary laugh at this–something about the kumquat comparison struck me funny. But I very quickly recovered and said, “The girl is really feeling bad about this teasing.”

“Listen,” said my friend, “we all tease each other and have some fun with it. If she can’t take a little teasing, it’s her own damn fault!”

“I don’t think continuing to humiliate her is the best way to get her to be more mature,” I replied. “Please, give her a break.”

They waved their hands at me, complaining I was turning into a political correctness police officer, but in the end, they let her alone.

Notice that as I criticized them, I didn’t use any name calling and it was certainly not my intention to throw any insults at them. Also notice that from my experience, I changed in a particular direction as I matured.

Now, there are a great deal of additional arguments that I can make about the value of a developmental perspective, but allow me just one more for today’s post.

The story involves the first black major league baseball player, Jackie Robinson and his team mate, Pee Wee Reese.

Just before Mr. Robinson began to play in the majors for the Brooklyn Dodgers, the Dodgers’ general manager, Branch Rickey, made it clear to him that he would face criticism in the form of the most vile insults. If he was to play, Robinson had to show the courage to not return insults with insults or to lose his temper and jeopardize the chances of all the blacks who would follow him if he could help break down the race barriers.

If Mr. Robinson couldn’t return the insults, could nothing be done? On one particular day when fans were being particularly insulting to Mr. Robinson, the smallest ballplayer on his team, Pee Wee Reese, stepped out of the dugout. Mr. Reese was a beloved player with the fans for his hard, hustling play. He stepped over to Mr. Robinson, put his arm around him and stood by his side.

This gesture was discussed around the country, and even today. And a monument honoring this moment stands tall and strong in Brooklyn.

If you go by it some day and watch for a while, from time to time you’ll see a grandfather describing to his grandson how the statue symbolizes what can be done even by two men who responded to insults without returning insults. I must admit that I’m no kid anymore, and yet, whenever I walk by that statue, I get all misty inside.

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INSULTS: A COMIC STRIP LOVER’S GUIDE

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date November 10, 2012
11 Comments on INSULTS: A COMIC STRIP LOVER’S GUIDE

Teasing is a game sometimes known as bantering, joshing, crackin’, rankin’, playing the dozens, trash talk, and infighting. You are judged on the quality of your insults and also how well you keep your cool on being insulted.

Even the most mature people may like to play the teasing game, for they enjoy the duel of wits and the occasional humorous comeback.

Consider the following Calvin and Hobbes comic.

Our two friends are getting pretty silly in this exchange. I guess being silly is part of the fun.

Mature people are distinguished from immature people in this game, not by how silly the interactions are, but by their lack of desire to hurt somebody in this game. They realize that the smiles and the lighthearted tone they try to set throughout the game sometimes mask real tensions. Thus, they keep their senses tuned to the subtleties of the repartee, and know when to back off when things begin to get too serious.

Immature people can come across as mean when they tease.

In the above Peanuts comic, Lucy ends up smiling even though Violet ends up feeling upset. I would have liked Lucy to show some concern about how Violet ends up feeling.

It is certainly understandable why Violet ends up feeling upset. We all have a strong desire to be liked. The fact that there are other people watching while Lucy teases Violet can make dealing with the teasing even harder. But what if Violet, instead of going away looking upset, ended up responding to Lucy in the following way?

“Good one, Lucy!” says Violet with a smile. “I guess you won this round. Well done!” Then Violet gives Lucy a respectful nod of her head before going on her way.

If Violet would have acted this way, it would have shown the other kids that she can take a little teasing without getting upset. This seems to many people a sign of maturity. We can’t expect everyone to have this level of maturity.

Apparently, in the comic below, Calvin went a little too far in his teasing.

I think a conflict has sprung up.

When I think about a conflict I think about the word DIG. That reminds me to dig to find in the situation the desire, what is interfering with the desire, and someone who feels someone is guilty of doing something wrong.

DIG=Desire, Interfering, and Guilt

In the above comic, Calvin desires to create a situation that would lead to some fun but perceives his actions have led to a situation that is interfering with fun. He feels he is guilty of doing something wrong.

Troubled by how Susie has reacted, Calvin becomes sad, and then he turns a bit angry. It seems to me that his genuine concern for Susie’s feelings is a sign of emerging maturity.

In our next comic strip, we see Susie’s reaction to Calvin’s teasing.

The sadness that Susie feels is coupled with her recognition that, without Calvin, she would feel even lonelier than she does.

How might Calvin handle this situation?

Apologizing, for Calvin, is not an easy thing to do. I wonder why?

In the next comic, we see that Susie is still trying to deal with Calvin’s insults.

Susie realizes that although words don’t hurt your body like sticks and stones, they still can hurt quite a bit.

When Calvin goes over to Susie to make up, he finds that it’s a struggle.

Sometimes when we try to fix a problem it doesn’t work. That doesn’t mean we have to give up. We can try again.

Sometimes someone who enjoys teasing does so in a manner that looks to someone watching on as not fun.

At other times, people who tease don’t realize that they really have created a very uncomfortable situation.

Sometimes when people call you names or insult you in some other way, you may not be sure why they are doing this. One thing to try is to say, “I’m not sure why you are trying to put me down. Is everything okay? Are you mad at me about something?”

This often leads to the insulter revealing what is actually motivating this behavior. But if the insulter walks away, and then begins to insult you on another occasion, it’s time to go down a list of other desires that motivate insults. By becoming familiar with these other desires, confusion can oftentimes be quickly brought under control and a plan generated to address the concerns of all involved parties.

Eight Different Reasons Why People Use Name Calling, Insults and Teasing

If you follow this blog you will become familiar with eight different desires that can motivate name calling and teasing. This will help you to spot them even when you are beginning to feel defensive. When you learn to see the real desire motivating the criticism, you will find it much easier to act wisely.

Below is the list of the eight desires. It might be wise to print out this list and place it in a convenient place. Then, whenever you are called names or teased, you can get it out. By going down the list you might more quickly figure out what is going on.

The Eight Reasons for Insults List

The desires that oftentimes motivate name calling, insults and teasing are:

1. The desire to encourage or discourage some action.

2. The desire to release stress because the criticizer is in a bad mood.

3. The desire to take out on you what someone else did to the insulter.

4. The desire to be left alone for some quiet time.

5. The desire to form a bond with a group by putting down non-group members.

6. The desire to test someone to determine worthiness to be admitted into a group.

7. Jealousy.

8. Playful teasing.

Well, there you have it, the eight desires that lead to name calling, insults and teasing. You can already find some suggestions for dealing with most of the various types of desires from checking out some earlier posts.

Criticism designed to encourage you to improve (see RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: FOUR LEVELS OF MATURITY and RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: THE MOST MATURE LEVEL)
Playful teasing (see MAKING THE BUS MONITOR CRY: RATING HER RESPONSE)
The desire to form a bond with a group by putting down non-group members (see MAKING THE BUS MONITOR CRY: WHY THE BOYS DID IT)
Jealousy (see BEING CRITICIZED BECAUSE OF JEALOUSY)
The criticizer is in a bad mood (see RESPONDING TO CRITICISM WHEN IT IS BEING PROVIDED BECAUSE THE CRITICIZER IS IN A BAD MOOD)

In future blog posts we’ll explore all of these issues more thoroughly.

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Tags anger, bullies, bully, bullying, conflict, criticism, disrespectful, encouraging caring, insults, name calling, negative criticism, playful teasing, psychological maturity, respect, types of criticism

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RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: LESSONS FROM THE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date October 13, 2012
3 Comments on RESPONDING TO CRITICISM: LESSONS FROM THE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES

If you have been following this blog, you know that lately we have been working on becoming masters at dealing with criticism. One important lesson that we have focused in on is that in designing our response to a particular criticism it is crucial that we figure out why the person is criticizing us.

Let’s say, for example, that John, upon entering my home and noticing the TV show I’m watching, criticizes me, saying, “Jeff, you’re an idiot for watching this stupid comedy.” As he says this, I look at him and see from his eyes and the way he says it, that his comment is designed with the genuine hope I might make some improvement in my TV viewing habits. In that case, a reasonable reply to John’s criticism would be to say warmly, “I appreciate your concern, John. I think it does make some sense that I start thinking about how much time I spend watching lightweight shows.” Such a response would show John that I respect what he has to say enough that I’m willing to give it some real thought.

Now, what if John had used the exact same words to criticize me about the comedy show that I’m watching, but I notice that he has a twinkle in his eye and that he watches the same show. I put this together with the fact that I know John likes to playfully criticize people. Under this set of circumstances, a reasonable reply to John’s criticism would be to look directly into John’s eye, give him a light chuckle and then a nod of my head. This would show him that I can take a little kidding around without getting defensive, and that I appreciate his attempt at a little humor.

Just as it makes sense for us to figure out why someone is criticizing us in order to design the best way to respond to the criticism, it makes an equal amount of sense for the president and vice president, as they prepared for their debates, to try to figure out why their opponent in the debate might seek to criticize them.

President Obama versus Governor Romney

Perhaps the president, while preparing for the debate, thought, “My opponent will be criticizing me to convince other voters to vote for him.” But actually that thought would have been too imprecise. More likely, the president thought that his opponent was interested in convincing only a small group of voters to vote for him–those who were still undecided and lived in the “battleground states” such as Ohio and Florida.

An analysis of this group of voters indicated that they hate it when the candidates are nasty and uncivil against their opponents. As Ben Feller of the Associated Press wrote last night, “The danger for the aggressor is that both campaigns know the remaining undecided voters at home want answers for them, not partisan bickering.” And so, President Obama, understanding this, was friendly with his opponent, Governor Romney, and avoided personal attacks.

After the debate, many declared that the president lost the debate. And it is true that nationally, Governor Romney did get a clear bump from his debate performance. But according to Gail Collins of today’s New York Times, in the election-deciding battleground states that matter, most polls suggest the first presidential debate has not had a significant impact. The president had a lead before the debate, he wanted to avoid significantly damaging that lead, and he largely succeeded.

Vice President Biden versus
Congressman Ryan

Now, in contrast to how President Obama acted toward his opponent in his debate, Vice President Joe Biden in his debate with Congressman Paul Ryan abandoned his boss’s caution. He called some of his opponent’s ideas “a bunch of malarkey,” repeatedly interrupted Ryan, and made smirks when he was speaking.

Furthermore, Biden derisively laughed at some of Ryan’s comments and waved his hands in disgust.

This raises the question, “Didn’t Biden want to influence the same group of voters that President Obama wanted to influence?”

Actually, it turns out that this was not an issue for Biden or his opponent. Authoritative analyses have indicated that vice presidential debates simply never influence the outcome of presidential elections. Given that, Biden properly should have asked himself, “Whenever Ryan criticizes me during the debate, what does he hope to achieve?” The most probable answer is that Ryan saw this as an opportunity to gain some respect as a leader in case he wants to run for president in the future. With that in mind, according to Gail Collins, Biden “spent the entire run-up week listening to Democrats beg him not to be passive. It’s a wonder he didn’t run onto the stage and instantly bite Ryan on the ankle.”

It’s interesting that after the vice presidential debate polls indicate that about an equal number of people felt Biden won and Ryan won. My research indicates that when a typical person, let’s call her Mary Doe, criticizes another person, Mary would lose respect for the person she is criticizing if the person responded like Joe Biden did. And yet about half of those viewing the debate seemed OK about how Biden had acted. How can that be?

Keep in mind that viewers of the debate saw Biden not criticizing them, but rather, someone else. My guess is that some people who viewed the debate said to themselves, “If Biden responds to criticism from Ryan like the way he did, that’s how he would treat me if I ever criticized him.” These people probably ended up losing respect for Biden. Other people who viewed the debate focused in on the fact that they didn’t like Ryan’s answers and loved the fact that Biden had made it absolutely clear that he didn’t like Ryan’s answers as well. This group of people probably ended up respecting Biden even more. For this group of people, perhaps it never occurred to them that if Biden treated Ryan this way he could have just as easily treated them that way as well.

So there you have it, some lessons from the presidential debates. I hope the biggest lesson that you take from this is that to become a master at responding to criticism you would be wise to seek to figure out why someone is providing you the criticism. That can be a crucial guide to help you to design your response.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

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AN INTRODUCTION TO “GUILTING”

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date September 24, 2012
1 Comment on AN INTRODUCTION TO “GUILTING”

To become a master at responding to criticism, we have to first learn to recognize the reason for the criticism. So far we have discussed five of them:

Criticism designed to encourage you to improve (see HERE and HERE)
Playful teasing (see HERE)
The desire to form a bond with a group by putting down non-group members (see HERE)
Jealousy (see HERE)
The criticizer is in a bad mood (see HERE)

Today we will turn our attention to a sixth reason–“guilting.”

GUILTING

In the above comic, Blondie criticizes Dagwood for not agreeing to go to the party. She does so by crying out, “How can you do this to me?!” and by bursting into tears. Her technique to convince Dagwood to do what she wants despite his determination manages to work.

Blondie’s actions are an example of what we will be calling “guilting.” It occurs when somebody who has had a request turned down seeks to change the person’s mind by tossing out certain types of insults.

You may have heard what I refer to as “guilting” as “laying a guilt trip on someone” or “imposing guilt on someone.”

As in the Blondie comic, sometimes guilting can indeed change somebody’s mind. On the other hand, sometimes imposing guilt on someone can hurt a relationship.

The two above comics pose an interesting dilemma. On the one hand, under some sets of circumstances we can often increase the probability that our desire will be fulfilled by employing a plan that makes someone feel guilty. On the other hand, using such a plan may hurt our reputation and end up costing us valued friends.

An Alternative to Guilting

Early in my career I began to wonder if I could tweak the “guilting” plan so that it would reduce the probability of negative consequences. I had recently read a book by Joan Bondurant, Conquest of Violence: The Gandhian Philosophy of Conflict. There Ms. Bondurant tells us that many believe Mohandas Gandhi’s style of appealing for help is particularly effective.

Gandhi recognized that we all have desires, some selfish and some supportive of those we care about. He also saw that there are people whose actions either interfere with our desires or help to fulfill them. As we ask others to help, he believed it is acceptable to express sadness at the current state of affairs and to seek a mutually satisfying solution. If our request is turned down, it is not acceptable to view the refuser as evil. To seek to humiliate those who turn down our requests is forbidden, while showing empathy and support are essential.

To get a sense of Gandhi’s approach in action, consider an example taken from his autobiography. One day, in an effort to bring to light some injustice that had been occurring in South Africa, Gandhi sought help from the newspaper editor of The Bangabasi.

The editor kept me waiting for an hour. He had evidently many interviewers, but he would not so much as look at me, even when he had disposed of the rest. On my venturing to broach my subject after a long wait, he said: ‘Don’t you see my hands are full? There is no end to the number of visitors like you. You better go. I am not disposed to listen to you.’ For a moment I felt offended, but I quickly understood the editor’s position. I had heard of the fame of The Bangabasi. I could see that there was a regular stream of visitors there. And they were all people acquainted with him. His paper had no lack of topics to discuss…. However serious a grievance may be in the eyes of the man who suffers from it, he will be but one of the numerous people invading the editor’s office, each with a grievance of his own. How is the editor to meet them all?… But I was not discouraged. I kept on seeing editors of other newspapers.

Upon being turned down, Gandhi remained supportive and empathetic toward the editor. “Experience has taught me,” Gandhi explains later in his autobiography, “that civility is the most difficult part of Satyagraha [his philosophy]. Civility does not here mean the mere outward gentleness of speech cultivated for the occasion, but an inborn gentleness and desire to do the opponent good. These should show themselves in every act of a Satyagrahi.”

Contrast the above style, which I will hereafter refer to as encouraging caring, with guilt. The Dictionary of Behavioral Science (Wolman, 1973) defines guilt as, “The realization that one has transgressed a moral, social or ethical principle, associated with a lowering of self esteem and a need to make retribution for the transgression” (italics mine).

In the guilt definition, the two sets of words that I put in italics represent the crucial differences between encouraging caring and a strategy that I will refer to as guilting. If Blondie uses guilting on Dagwood because he is resisting complying, she will respond angrily while attempting to lower his self-esteem and make him feel like he is deserving of punishment for his actions. Consistent with guilting is the use of phrases such as, “You’re selfish,” “You don’t care about anyone but yourself,” and “How can you do this to me?”

In contrast, if Blondie was to use encouraging caring, she would express sadness while seeking to enhance Dagwood’s self-esteem as he comes to feel a sense of compassion within himself, a compassion that leads to a sense of satisfaction as they strive together toward a mutually satisfying solution. As I envision this, it looks something like this…

Because Blondie is in an ongoing relationship with Dagwood, when she decides to use guilting on him, she doesn’t always have to say the words that indicate she is employing guilting. After she has used it a few times with him, just the tone of her voice or even a certain look may be enough to fully indicate to Dagwood that she has decided to use guilting in the current situation.

Similarly, if Blondie happened to be the type of person who uses encouraging caring on an ongoing basis, she would not have to convey to Dagwood, in a long-winded speech, everything that makes up this supportive style each and every time she decides to use it. An expression of sadness with a few supportive words would be sufficient. The best time to convey the attitudes that make up the encouraging caring approach is during pleasant discussions, rather than when embroiled in a personal conflict.

To be effective and convincing, Blondie must not suddenly switch to guilting whenever she sees her encouraging caring request style is not going to work. That is, suppose after Blondie tries to use encouraging caring for a few minutes she finds that Dagwood insists on not going to the costume party. If Blondie suddenly cries out, “You’re a selfish jerk!” Dagwood would know from then on that when she appears to be using encouraging caring, she is just putting on an act, and her real attitude is that she views him as guilty whenever he does not comply with her request.

Now don’t misunderstand me. Suppose Blondie consistently uses encouraging caring. One day she asks Dagwood to go to a costume party and he turns her down. She is very supportive, though disappointed. Dagwood may find himself feeling guilty for refusing to go to the party. Just because Dagwood feels guilty doesn’t mean Blondie has used guilting on him. It is quite common for someone to have feelings of guilt upon turning down a request even when the requester consistently uses encouraging caring. However, in such cases the refusers do not believe the requesters are seeking to make them feel guilty. Guilters are viewed as deliberately trying to make refusers feel guilty.

Some Practice

Here’s a comic that displays a college student making a request of a friend. See if you can identify whether the woman’s style of making a request is more consistent with guilting or encouraging caring.

In this comic, Diane expresses sadness about coming to class late and requests that Tom pick her up on time. When he refuses to make a commitment to do as she asks, she remains supportive. Diane’s actions are consistent with the encouraging caring plan.

It’s crucial to point out here that even with all that Diane does in this comic, a slight change in the end could turn it into guilting. For example, suppose that after becoming convinced that Tom will not do as she asks, she gets up to leave and yells at him, red faced, “You’re a selfish creep!” Guilty of guilting would be my conclusion.

Encouraging Caring and Resignation

Some people make the mistake of thinking that to use encouraging caring effectively people must learn to resign themselves to doing nothing else but graciously accepting it when a person turns down their requests. In many situations that is the wisest choice. But there are many alternatives that can be considered that are consistent with the supportive encouraging caring plan. For example, when Diane sees that Tom has turned down her request, she can offer something in return for compliance. That is, after Tom turns her request down, she can say something like, “Yeah, punching a clock can be a drag, Tom. What if I were to give you the money I spend on the morning bus ride in exchange for the ride to school? That’s two dollars a day—ten dollars a week that can help you with the gas money. I’d get a good looking guy to pick me up right at my door, and you’d get my great company, ten dollars a week, and the satisfaction of helping me out. What do you say?”

Notice that Diane’s use of this new plan proposes a mutually satisfying solution. Thus it is consistent with encouraging caring.

Negotiation is a process of communicating back and forth for the purpose of reaching an agreement (see Harvard Negotiation Project to learn more about this topic). There are several forms of negotiation methods that are consistent with encouraging caring. Mutual gains bargaining, principled negotiations, and negotiations on the merits are some names of methods that encourage the negotiators to avoid such behavior as blaming the other party for the problem, engaging in name-calling, or raising your voice. As the authors (R. Fisher and W. Uri) of the classic text on this type of negotiation writes:

Blaming is an easy mode to fall into, particularly when you feel the other side is indeed responsible. But even if blaming is justified, it is usually counterproductive. Under attack, the other side will become defensive and will resist what you have to say. They will cease to listen, or they will strike back with an attack of their own. (Getting to Yes, page 25)

Learning to negotiate is an important part of conflict resolution, and we will return to this topic in future blog posts.

Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Tags anger, bullying, conflict, criticism, emotional intelligence, insults, Mohandas Gandhi, psychological maturity, respect, types of criticism, wisdom

anger Bullied child discipline conflict resolution criticism emotional intelligence negative criticism parenting types of criticism William James wisdom

TEACHING CHILDREN HOW TO DEAL WITH CRITICISM

Post author By Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
Post date September 14, 2012
8 Comments on TEACHING CHILDREN HOW TO DEAL WITH CRITICISM

For the past few weeks we have been discussing how to deal with criticism. As I have noted, because criticism is often accompanied by name calling, insults, threats, and even violence, it can be very hard to handle. Even when criticism is provided in a more supportive manner, threats to our desires to be liked and to be free to do whatever we want can arise, bringing with them feelings of frustration, defensiveness and anger (see post titled WHY IS CRITICISM SO HARD TO BEAR?).

Because these feeling can be so very strong, simply reading about mature ways to respond to criticism, although oftentimes helpful, is not enough to become a master at dealing with criticism. I have therefore been encouraging exercises that lead us to practice the skills sufficiently so that they become so second-nature to us that even in the most stressful situations we can expertly carry them out. One of the best ways to practice these skills is to teach them to children.

Teaching Children to Handle Criticism

You notice your five-year old is not making his “B” correctly. “That’s not quite right,” you say. “Here, watch me.”

As you begin to demonstrate, your child becomes defensive, crumbles up the paper, and shouts, “I hate you! I hate you! I hate you.”

“How dare you speak that way to me!” you respond. And the conflict escalates from here.

A parent is often confronted with what William James liked to call the “balky will.” Certain children, if they do not succeed immediately in doing something just right and are then criticized, flare up in anger and refuse to cooperate. Such children are oftentimes treated as sinful and are punished; or else the parent pits his or her will against the child’s will.

Some have argued that children should be forced to do as they are told, even if one has to whip them ten times running. “Break its will, in order that his soul may live!” exclaimed John Wesley, an eighteenth century theologian. But William James disagreed. “Such will breaking is always a scene with a great deal of nervous wear and tear on both sides, a bad state of feeling left behind it, and the victory not always with the would-be will breaker.”

When a situation of this kind occurs, and the child is all tense and excited, James believed that it is best to drop the subject for awhile. Direct the child’s mind to something else, and then, a little later on, bring it up again. As likely as not, the child will go over it now without any difficulty.

“It is in no other way that we overcome balkiness in a horse,” said James. “We divert his attention, do something to his nose or ear, lead him around in a circle, and thus get him over a place where flogging would only have made him more invincible.”

Of course, nothing works perfectly all the time, and this technique is no exception. I have found that I can greatly increase the success rate of James’s approach by playing a game with children called “Criticism.” It can be played during car rides, walks in the neighborhood, and waiting for the food to come in a restaurant. To teach your children the game you first have to go over the first four levels of responding to criticism. Let’s take a look at these levels:

Four Levels of Responding to Criticism

Level 1 is viewed as the most immature, and each higher level is viewed as more mature (see HERE and HERE for an explanation of how this model was developed as well as the evidence that utilizing the higher levels lead to more respect by others.

1. This level requires displaying one or more of the following:

Weeps or sobs with tears or pouts without also using level 4 responses
Physically attacks the criticizer
Damages property

2. This level requires displaying one or more of the following:

Insults the criticizer (either with words, hand gestures, the sticking out of a tongue, the rolling of the eyes, or smirks)
Glares at the criticizer
Threatens the criticizer
Punches, kicks, or throws an object without physically hurting someone or damaging anything
Criticizes the criticizer without first fully addressing the original criticism.

3. This level requires displaying one or both of the following:

Displays defensiveness without directly insulting the criticizer (raising voice’s volume or pitch)
Displays a lack of interest either by verbally indicating this, or with nonverbal cues, or complete silence.

4. Level 4 individuals listen to the criticizer in a supportive, warm, friendly style, and then make it clear that they fully understand what was said. Moreover, they put the criticizer at ease by making statements that indicate that the wise learn from criticism. Some time is spent on showing that they are thinking about the criticism. If, after thinking about the criticism the criticism is deemed to be correct, they make a statement frankly indicating, “I can see your ideas have merit and I intend to use them in the future.” If they are not sure if they agree, they make a statement indicating that they are very interested in what was said, plan to think a little more about this over the next few days and then they will be ready to discuss this further. If, after thinking about the criticism, the criticism is deemed to be incorrect, a statement is made designed to disagree without being disagreeable. More specifically, a sense of humor, some listening in a caring way and a few smiles help to traverse rough terrain. As the episode winds down, the criticizer is encouraged to feel comfortable communicating suggestions in the future.

Using This Model to Teach Children To Deal With Criticism

It’s important to tell the children first not to worry if they remember everything you are about to tell them because once you start to play, they will catch on before long.

To introduce this game, I like to use the Peanuts comic that has Charlie Brown criticizing Sally’s swirls and Sally getting defensive.

In this comic, when Sally hears Charlie Brown’s criticism of her swirls, it’s not long before Snoopy’s shades are sent flying.

Once you explain what criticism is and then go over the four levels of responding to criticism, you describe a situation in which Charlie criticizes Sally and Sally responds. Then the child guesses what level Sally’s response was at. So, in addition to the example depicted in the above comic, I could say, “Charlie says to Sally, ‘Those sneakers you’re wearing are ugly.’ Sally responds by saying, ‘Oh yeah?! Well what do you know about sneakers? You’re the worst dresser around here, you jerk!’ What level is Sally at?”

After you discuss the child’s answer, then role-play with the child the situation so that you provide the criticism and the child acts out a level four response. If the child fails to do this correctly, reverse the roles by having the child criticize you and you provide the level four response. Then let the child try to imitate your level four response.

I have found that kids, rather quickly, get a thorough understanding of the four levels by playing this game. Once they do, during a typical day I catch them responding to criticism. When I do, I ask them to rate the level of their response. I also try to catch them using a level four response, and then I play up like it’s a big deal that such a young kid can be so mature.

One way to come up with fun descriptions of a character being criticized and another character responding, is to cut out newspaper comics that depict these kinds of scenarios.

Or you can go to the top of this page where it says “Free Book: Dealing with Insults, Teasing, and Criticism” and click on it. This will permit you to download a free PDF book that utilizes, to teach these skills, many of the comics kids of all ages love.

In addition to James’s approach of dropping the subject for awhile and my approach of playing the “Criticism” game, there is one more crucial point I shall make here about teaching children to handle criticism. Children are very dependent on their parents. There is a theory that in the back of the minds of children they are aware of their dependence. They somehow realize that without their parent’s support they would be in big trouble and this is associated with anxiety and even terror. Each time children are criticized by their parents, it brings this fear to the fore of their thoughts, and they can only take so much of it without attempting to banish this fear, either by running away, dreaming magical thoughts, or screaming to drown out the feeling of terror. As a rule of thumb, parents would be wise to say at least ten supportive comments for every one negative critical comment that they make. And if more than two or three negative criticisms have been made in a single day, perhaps it would be wise to put off the next one until the morrow.

Be patient then, and don’t be afraid to drop a subject until a more suitable time. This will make you, not weaker, but a stronger parent. During fun times, teach your children how you expect them to act when criticized. Be on guard against too much negative criticism all at once. And above all, let your children know you love them.
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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Tags anger, bullies, conflict, conflict management, criticism, disrespectful, emotional intelligence, emotions, frustration, insults, maturity levels, negative criticism, parenting, psychological maturity, respect, violence, wisdom

SYMPATHY FOR JUDY’S POSITION

CRITICISM AND OUR BASIC HUMAN RIGHTS

CRITICISM IS COMING OUR WAY WHETHER WE LIKE IT OR NOT

SINCE IT IS COMING OUR WAY, WE WOULD BE WISE TO LEARN TO DEAL WITH IT

Bumstead Gets Into Trouble

Insult Avoiding, Forward Looking Abraham Lincoln

Digging Deeper

PRACTICE

SUMMARY

Review

Advanced Lesson

Practice

Eight Different Reasons Why People Use Name Calling, Insults and Teasing

The Eight Reasons for Insults List

President Obama versus Governor Romney

Vice President Biden versus Congressman Ryan

Teaching Children to Handle Criticism

Four Levels of Responding to Criticism

Using This Model to Teach Children To Deal With Criticism

Vice President Biden versus
Congressman Ryan