Author: Dr. Jeffrey Rubin

Jeffrey Rubin grew up in Brooklyn and received his PhD from the University of Minnesota. In his earlier life, he worked in clinical settings, schools, and a juvenile correctional facility. More recently, he authored three novels, A Hero Grows in Brooklyn, Fights in the Streets, Tears in the Sand, and Love, Sex, and Respect (information about these novels can be found at http://www.frominsultstorespect.com/novels/). Currently, he writes a blog titled “From Insults to Respect” that features suggestions for working through conflict, dealing with anger, and supporting respectful relationships.

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Aging Bob Dylan Forever Yonug melancholy Parental Wishes

On Bob Dylan’s “Forever Young”

Welcome to From Insults to Respect. 

Recently, upon turning 75, I was reflecting upon how my remaining days have become fewer and fewer. Accompanying these thoughts were some pretty bluesy feelings. Suddenly, the Spotify music streaming I was listening to, Bob Dylan’s “Planet Waves” album began to play, “Forever Young.” “Oh, to be young again,” I thought.

The first few lyrics of the song go:

    May God bless and keep you always
     May your wishes all come true
     May you always do for others
     And let others do for you
     May you build a ladder to the stars
     And climb on every rung
     May you stay forever young

The line, “May you always do for others…” hit me pretty hard. I always prided myself as carrying my own weight. When I retired as a psychologist, I decided to continue to make contributions to others by writing a blog, completely financially free, that seeks to offer help for people who want to improve how they get along with others and themselves. The first few years of this, I was writing a blog post every week. Now, I struggle to get one out monthly, my energy slipping. I moaned at the thought of this.

Feeling this way, I wondered if others felt the emotional impact of the song as I have. I notice that on Spotify, most of the songs on the album have one or two million plays. “Forever Young” in contrast,  has over 34 million. Impressive. I then went to Wikipedia to see if there is a writeup on the song, and indeed there is. I found that Bob had written the song as a lullaby for his eldest son, Jesse, who was a youngster at the time. I was a bit surprised by this, because my initial interpretation of the song was that Bob, himself, was expressing his own struggles with feelings of growing older.

With this insight, I decided to ask my son, Jack, who has a young daughter, what thoughts and emotions the song brings up for him. He replied:

“When I hear “Forever Young” while thinking about my 5-year old daughter, I think about the beautiful freedom and lightness in her laugh and her smile. She experiences so much genuine joy.  I know a big part of that is that the world she knows so far is one of safety and love. She hasn’t yet learned about war and violence and greed, and many of the really hard things people face in this world. So when I hear the refrain of “may you stay forever young” I think of a wish for her to have the resilience to keep her big heartedness and her playfulness and the wonderful twinkle in her eye even as she grows up and becomes more aware of all the heavy things in life. And I feel a commitment in myself to do all I can to be there for her and remind her that she is loved even as she faces the challenges of her life.”

Nice! I very much can respect those feelings. Somehow I’m having a harder time respecting some of mine about getting older. As I listen to the song’s final verse, it expresses hope that,

    May your hands always be busy
     May your feet always be swift
     May you have a strong foundation
     When the winds of changes shift
     May your heart always be joyful
     And may your song always be sung
     May you stay forever young
     Forever young, forever young
     May you stay forever young.

Here, again, I find there some words that have me struggling with my emotions. The lines about “May your feet always be swift”  hit me like a walloping club. In my youth, after work I would run two miles, sprinting the last quarter mile, which left me feeling so full of life. Now, I still manage to cover two miles, but it’s a walk, and the last quarter mile has me looking forward to finishing it up so I can lay down on my bed for a while until I can get enough energy to resume the rest of my day.

Oh, the winds of change have come upon me, and my heart has not always remained joyful. Though there are periods of joy–a beautiful day with family and friends, the delight of spending time with my lovely granddaughter, the recognition of the fantastic loving relationship I have with my wife–I am still seeking to adjust to this change. I’ve felt for a long time that we can learn to respect ourselves despite not always being joyful. I’m thinking melancholy in life can be useful in some ways, deepening one’s perspectives. Although this is my accepted understanding in most of life’s challenges, with this new experience related to getting older, my recent limitations are still hard on me. If you are having similar experiences, perhaps you will find some comfort knowing you are not alone.

My Best,
Jeff

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Uncategorized

On Bob Dylan’s Song, “Disease Of Conceit”

Welcome to From Insults to Respect. 

One insult we often hear is someone being called conceited. On Oh Mercy, Bob Dylan’s 1989 album, he has a song titled “Disease of Conceit” that powerfully, poetically, and musically captures the emotions that can come about from this behavior. Emphasizing each of his major visceral reactions related to conceit are crashing piano chords, and as the song drifts into its conclusion, we are treated with a deeply sad, bluesy strain from a guitar.

I present this post to my readers with the hope that by coming to associate conceit with the emotional feel of the song’s lyrics, it just might lead us to modify what we say about ourselves in a more respect promoting manner. It opens with these words:

There’s a whole lot of people suffering tonight
From the disease of conceit
Whole lot of people struggling tonight
From the disease of conceit
Comes right down the highway
Straight down the line
Rips into your senses
Through your body and your mind
Nothing about it that’s sweet
The disease of conceit

Vividly, we see the narrator sees conceit as awfully harmful. In thinking about this, it might help us to contrast it with an example of its opposite–self effacing behavior. Consider the reaction Abraham Lincoln brought forth when Stephen Douglas called him two faced during a debate and he responded, “If I had another face, do you think I would wear this one?” By all accounts, the audience loved it.

The next verse goes on to tell us:

There’s a whole lot of hearts breaking tonight
From the disease of conceit
Whole lot of hearts shaking tonight
From the disease of conceit
Steps into your room
Eats your soul
Over your senses
You have no control
Ain’t nothing too discreet
About the disease of conceit

These lines led me to think about what is it about conceit that the song’s narrator finds so emotionally troubling. Perhaps it’s at least partly because conceited people often come across as thinking the world revolves around them, while suggesting as well that they have an underlying insecurity about their own worth. Listeners of a conceited person are typically far more interested in getting credit for what they and others that they care about have contributed to tasks and are of value to their group. There is indeed a place for gentle self-promotion, but it works much better by showing along with it an appreciation for the other listeners. People often experience conceited people as emotionally draining.

The next lines of Dylan’s song go,

There’s a whole lot of people dying tonight
From the disease of conceit
Whole lot of people crying tonight
From the disease of conceit
Comes right out of nowhere
And you’re down for the count
From the outside world
The pressure will mount
Turn you into a piece of meat
The disease of conceit

Hmmm? I found myself, upon hearing the line about people dying from the disease of conceit, wondering if perhaps it might be an overstatement. I personally haven’t directly observed someone dying from such behavior. Perhaps the narrator means emotionally dying. Dylan often employs vivid metaphors to capture issues he feels strongly about. Still, although I don’t see people in my community really physicallyy dying from conceited behavior, perhaps there are indeed situations when it can be that harmful. This led me to think about some societies. Hitler’s Germany during World War II, for example, had a society that had many who believed that they are so superior to other folks that it entitled them to massacre those who are viewed as inferior. In addition to the massacre of people viewed as inferior during that war, military and civilian fatalities are estimated at 50–56 million, with an additional estimated 19–28 million deaths from war-related disease and famine.

The last set of lines of Dylan’s song goes,

Conceit is a disease
That the doctors got no cure
They’ve done a lot of research on it
But what it is, they’re still not sure
There’s a whole lot of people in trouble tonight
From the disease of conceit
Whole lot of people seeing double tonight
From the disease of conceit
Give ya delusions of grandeur
And a evil eye
Give you the idea that
You’re too good to die
Then they bury you from your head to your feet
From the disease of conceit
Here again Dylan paints a vivid portrayal of feelings that come about from being around conceited individuals. I hope they challenge us to think about our own tendencies to promote ourselves without being sufficiently supportive of others.
My Best,
Jeff
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Uncategorized

Civil Discussions With Political Adversaries

Welcome to From Insults To Respect. 

Recently, I came across an article by Hanna Wallace that presents in a Q&A format a discussion with Mónica Guzmán, author of the book, I Never Thought of It That Way: How to Have Fearlessly Curious Conversations in Dangerously Divided Times.

David Byrne

The article appears in Reasons to be Cheerful, a nonprofit publication founded by artist and musician David Byrne, who tells us he believes in the power of approaching the world with curiosity—in art, in music, in collaboration and in life.

In the article, Ms Guzmán argues that siloing–the tendency for people to just listen to media outfits and others who agree with their political point of view–can lead to dehumanizing the “other side.” In contrast, thoughtfully engaging with those with  different views leads to building bridges and challenges us to freshen our thinking.

There are risks with these types of challenges. Some people, upon hearing that you disagree with them, can immediately decide they don’t like you. Vilifying anyone who disagrees with your political views is such an automatic visceral response for many people that it takes courage to engage. In my post today, I suggest an approach to engaging with people who disagree with you in a manner that greatly reduces this risk.

A Relatively Safe Approach For Having Discussions With People Who Differ From Your Political Point of View

Consider, if you will this approach. As political issues arise, before presenting your view, let those who are listening know that you are interested in civilly participating in the discussion if they are open to this. Then, listen to the tone of voice of the responses. If any appear to respond angrily, listen fully to the angry party or parties, really show you are listening to what is being said. People really value being listened to.

Then summarize the expressed opinions in an animated manner absent an angry tone of voice. In as friendly a manner as you can muster, provide thanks for the sharing of views and express real interest in the topic. Leave it at that. I understand that by doing so, you might be concerned you are leaving what had been said having given the impression that you agree with some or all of what had been said, which you may be loath to do; but keep in mind that if others who are engaged are expressing anger at the very start of this conversation, there is little hope of changing their minds.

If, after your summary, someone asks you for your views on what had been said, repeat saying, “I’d love to discuss these issues further, but only if we are all open to discussing the issues civilly.” Presenting the idea of a civil discussion could motivate the angry folks to put some breaks on their anger. If anger displays continue, I suggest listening to what is said, but avoid presenting your opinions.  You can get around this issue by saying you are still in the midst of considering my opinion.

If those present show an openness to a civil discussion, after listening thoroughly to positions in which you disagree, and then summarizing these positions in as favorable light as you can, then say, “I have heard the following counter arguments, and I’d be very interested how you would respond.”

Notice that you don’t claim that these counter arguments are something you personally believe. Instead, you are showing an interest in what others in the discussion think about the counter arguments, while also demonstrating you are open to hearing, and thoroughly listening to, counterarguments. By engaging in this manner, going back and forth with airing both sides, you leave yourself open to making nuanced modifications in your point of view without becoming too attached to what you had previously said, and clarifying points that have been misunderstood.

Any name calling on your part regarding any of the positions being discussed is a definite no-no. And your tone of voice is crucial during this type of discussion. You want to present yourself as curious about the issues, but not completely sold on any one position.

Another point well worth considering, is to not rely solely on facts. When making any point, see if you can attach it to a personal experience that those who are making counter arguments to your own can emotionally relate to. Facts are fine to some degree, but neglecting personal emotional arguments is perhaps the biggest mistake we too often make.

As an example, if you are opposed to someone’s proposal to cut Medicaid benefits and you personally know someone who, if they lost their benefits, and would thus face dire health consequences, describe that person in very personal terms, along with the troubling consequences if the cuts proposal did go through. Then see if you can make some additional personal emotional connections to the person or persons expressing cuts to the program.

In the end, express thanks for the discussion, and if some of what was said really upset you, take a walk until you have calmed down.

It has been my experience that this type of approach will increase the chances that more people will productively hear your dissenting views while reducing the chances of antagonizing those who disagree with them.

Now, I understand many people believe it is a total waste of time to discuss politics with others with whom they disagree. People, they believe, are just too set in their opinions. However, even in the most deeply held beliefs within the realm of religion there are often cases of people undergoing conversions. William James,’s wonderful book, The Varieties Of Religious Experiences, not only provides numerous examples, but insightfully provides the process that led to these.

In the realm of politics, I can share my own conversion experience. In 1965, when I was 15, I fully supported the Vietnam War. During my 16th and 17th years, through many discussions and learning of several horrible experiences that soldiers were having over there, I began to have some doubts about the wisdom of the war. By October of 1968, I had completely turned against it.

So, I now believe minds can change, especially when exposed to ideas in certain ways. If you agree, I hope you consider trying some of the ideas shared here.

My Best,
Jeff

——————————-

Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

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Bob Dylan Learning from mistakes

Thoughts on Bob Dylan’s Song, “It’s All Good”

Welcome to From Insults to Respect.

In a recent post titled, “Is Depression Really So Bad?” I presented the theory that conceptualizing depression as an awful mental disorder too often discourages active coping beyond taking a pill. In contrast, if we frame depression as potentially a healthy functional signal, it may lead to less self-stigma and greater self-efficacy in making healthy life-style improvements.

Quite a few folks objected to my even asking the question. To them, depression is every bit as bad as anyone can imagine.

A few psychotherapists I ran into, in contrast, were open to the healthy functional signal idea.However, one such person who was generally supportive, felt there were times when we might want to first consider the particular reason why someone might be depressed. Thus, he pointed out that sometimes, for example, someone becomes depressed because a loved one dies. He went on to say,

“It’s almost five years ago that my lady died. I’m lost now. Depressed? I don’t know. But I do feel rotten, frozen, angry, and bored. And, indeed, there were people telling me that from my misery something good will happen. Mildly spoken, I sent those to Hell.“

To defend my theory that depression, viewed as a healthy functional signal, might lead to more benefits than pathologizing it, I provided a variety of biographical examples of people making significant improvements in their life that had sprung from their depression experiences. For example, the great writer, Leo Tolstoy, described in his own words his bout with his suicidal two-year period of despair.

“I felt that something had broken within me on which my life had always rested, that I had nothing left to hold on to, and that morally my life had stopped. An invincible force impelled me to get rid of my existence, in one way or another…. Behold me then … hiding the rope in order not to hang myself from the rafters of the room where every night I went to sleep alone; behold me no longer going shooting, lest I should yield to the too easy temptation of putting an end to myself with my gun.”

And yet, his depression stimulated a gnawing questioning that eventually led to one insight after another. His trouble had not been with life in general, not with the common life of common men, but with the life of the upper, intellectual, artistic classes, the life that he had personally always led, the cerebral life, the life of conventionality, artificiality, and personal ambition. He had lived wrongly and had to change. And change he did, which led to deeper meanings. “After that,” Tolstoy wrote, “things cleared up within me and about me better than ever, and the light has never wholly died away.”  According to Tolstoy, his suicidal feelings disappeared, and he went on to live a productive life until he passed away at the age of 82 of natural causes.

In a similar manner, I discussed how depression led to valued changes in the lives of Abe Lincoln, Joni Mitchell, and others. And then, a few days ago, I happened to be listening to Bob Dylan’s upbeat tempo song, “It’s All Good.”

At first I interpreted it as satirical, for the examples he gave as being all good were hardly likely to be viewed that way. But then I thought that perhaps there just may be some value in thinking that not only depression experiences might be a healthy process, perhaps there is some value, whenever we meet up with something that strikes us as bad, to pause, and consider if there just might be something within the experience that might lead to, or suggest, in some way, something good.

Consider the first verse of Bob’s song:

Talk about me babe, if you must
Throw on the dirt, pile on the dust
I’d do the same thing if I could
You know what they say, they say it’s all good
All good
It’s all good

Bob’s song brings up an event that typically people prefer not to happen, that is, his babe talking dirt about him. But then he says in a cheerful voice, he’d do the same thing if he could, and it’s all good. How might we interpret these lyrics if we don’t just assume he is being simply satirical?

How about this? The lyrics about the event being all good is designed to provoke us to pause, and then think, how I, the listener of the song might derive something good from such an event. From such thinking, I came to realize that how I had acted might have led to the dirt being said about me. And upon further consideration, I came to realize how I might have been wiser to have acted in some better manner. I also realized I would have thrown dirt back at her if she had done something similar that led to the dirt being thrown at me, but I can’t because my babe didn’t give me any reason to do so. In thinking about how this could have gone down, perhaps some wiser way to act in the future would begin to come to light.

Often, many of us merely get angry about what “bad” had happened and lash out at anyone who might be considered at fault. By pausing instead, and asking ourselves to consider what good just might come about from a challenging event may take us to something that is indeed all good.

With this in mind, let’s consider Bob’s next verse,

Big politician telling lies
Restaurant kitchen, all full of flies
Don’t make a bit of difference, don’t see why it should
But it’s all right, ’cause it’s all good
It’s all good
It’s all good

It’s not so easy for me to see how one can interpret this verse as all good, but my point is not that every time we pause to consider if something of value will come to mind. Rather, that it is all good that we indeed go through this type of consideration.

Well, those are some thoughts that came to me as I considered Bob’s intriguing song. I hope they offer something worthy to consider.

My Best,
Jeff

Categories
addiction Alternative to mental health treatment antidepressants Antidepressants effectiveness Mental Health pharmaceutical Industry psychiatric drugs psychiatric medications

Are Psychiatric “Medications”Essentially The Same As Recreational Drugs?

Welcome to From Insults to Respect. Today we shall look at a theory that is certain to fire up some mighty strong emotions.

Most advocates within the medical profession say their prescriptions for psychiatric drugs, which they refer to as “medications,” improve the health outcomes for their patients. There are some within the profession that fervently object to this claim and provide extensive research evidence for their position, but nevertheless are clearly a minority. Meanwhile, taking legal and illegal recreational drugs are mostly viewed as distinctly different not only by medical doctors, but a majority of those in the general population.

That said, I do think it is useful for us to look at the case that although there are some differences, essentially they are the same when it comes to opportunities to 1. assess side effects/toxicity as one makes decisions to partake, and 2. what keeps users to continue consuming them.

Assessing Side-Effects and Toxicity

The Food and Drug Administration provides readily available information on the internet, regarding the side effects and toxicity of these substances. Updated research on this information is regularly appearing in the press. For example, we have recently seen stories about how even one glass of an alcoholic beverage can have negative effects on some aspects of health outcomes.

Anyone who wants to delve into a more thorough assessment of health consequences of any of the legal and illegal recreational drugs and psychiatric drugs can do a literature search. I have found Google Scholar fairly easy to use for this purpose. It provides the abstract of the research for free. There is an occasional pay wall that can be modestly costly in order to read the entire paper, but anyone who wants to make a fully informed decision on the risk of partaking can obtain the available evidence at a reasonable cost. Many of the published evidence can be misleading particularly because most studies look at just short-term results, yet many folks take these drugs for much longer. But this is true for recreational and psychiatric drugs, so assessing safety is hardly perfect regardless of what drug is being considered.

The Physical and Psychological Reasons People Continue to Consume These Legal, Illegal, and Psychiatric Drugs Are Essentially the Same.

Let’s begin this theory by using nicotine as an example and by taking a close look at an impressive study in the scientific literature (see HERE).

smoking 5Our body, upon beginning the habit of consuming nicotine, at first fires its receptors more frequently than usual upon each exposure to this drug. This leads to feeling more alert, which some of us experience as rather pleasant. But your body recognizes that if you were to keep firing those receptors at the pace that occurs when you first start smoking, certain functions in your body will end up exhausted. Thus, your body starts to reduce the number of these receptors. In the scientific literature, this process is called “down regulation” or “tolerance.”

For smokers, we see evidence of tolerance in studies that indicate fewer responses than do non-smokers to the same amount of nicotine (Perkins et al. 2001b). More specifically, we see a reduction on measures of subjective stimulation that may be viewed as pleasurable, such as arousal, vigor, and a subjective experience often referred to as “head rush” or “buzz.”

Once the down regulation process is complete, you end up with enough receptors to function fairly well as long as you continue to consume using this drug. withdrawal 2However, shortly after you pause from smoking even for a few minutes, you end up not having enough of these receptors to do what they were originally designed to do. It is this shortage of receptors that occurs when there is not enough nicotine in your system to keep your receptors firing at a rate that would typically occur if you were not regularly consuming the drug that leads to the uncomfortable, sluggish, stressful feelings that lead to a craving for the next cigarette. When you light up, you feel relief because now the reduced amount of receptors are sufficient to carry out your major life functions in a less distressed manner.

The relief that smokers feel each time they give themselves another dose of nicotine creates the powerful illusion that cigarettes help them to deal with stress. Thus, in a study published in the American Psychologist, researchers found the following:

smokingSmokers often report that cigarettes help relieve feelings of stress. However, the stress levels of adult smokers are slightly higher than those of nonsmokers, adolescent smokers report increasing levels of stress as they develop regular patterns of smoking, and smoking cessation leads to reduced stress. Far from acting as an aid for mood control, nicotine dependency seems to exacerbate stress. This is confirmed in the daily mood patterns described by smokers, with normal moods during smoking and worsening moods between cigarettes. Thus, the apparent relaxant effect of smoking only reflects the reversal of the tension and irritability that develop during nicotine depletion. Dependent smokers need nicotine to remain feeling normal. The message that tobacco use does not alleviate stress but actually increases it needs to be far more widely known.

drug withdrwal 1Theoretically, this same process is largely the reason why people become addicted to other substances, such as alcohol, caffeine, illegal drugs, and even the drugs that psychiatrists prescribe, such as the so called antianxiety drugs (anxiolytics), antidepressants, and ADHD stimulants such as Ritalin. They all have the potential of creating for addicted people the illusion that they are functioning better than they did before they started consuming the addictive drug.

Another major part of the addiction process is that the addictive substance often is used as part of a ceremony creating a very pleasant experience. As an example of this, listen to the actor John Cusack explaining his smoking habit:

John Cusack

John Cusack

To me, cigars are a much better situation than cigarettes. Cigarettes are compulsive and cigars are kinda, languid, luminous conversation. Like you’re gonna sit for a couple of hours and talk to somebody. If you gotta smoke, I would say, at least have a long conversation with someone you like, rather than just compulsively sucking down a cigarette. That’s how I’m gonna lie to myself so I can keep smoking cigars.

Although the cigarette habit is not John’s cup of tea, many people have fond associations of sharing a cigarette with others, and drinkers have associations of some very good times hanging out with their buddies. Of course, others have very negative associations with an addictive substance.

Can it be that the same two mechanisms–reduced receptors and pleasant ceremony– that creates the illusion for nicotine users are similar for other drugs that are the other legal, illegal, and psychiatric drugs?
Clearly, regular users of alcohol go through a withdrawal reaction when they don’t get a drink around the time they usually imbibe. We get a delightful sense of this listening to Jimmy Buffet singing about it being five o’clock somewhere and his desire for the relief he needs by taking a swig of his favorite intoxicating drink.

How intense the need can become is powerfully brought home to us during Ray Milland’s Academy Award winning portrayal of Mr. Birnam, an alcoholic in the movie, “The Lost Weekend.”

Ray“Just give me a drink,” says Mr. Birnam with exquisite anguish.
The bartender, in a disbelieving voice: “Mr. Birnam, this is the morning!”
“That’s when you need it most, in the morning,” Mr. Birnam replies with disgust. “Haven’t you learned that yet! At night, it’s a drink, in the morning, it’s medicine!”

Like nicotine, regular consumers of alcohol get a pleasant relief from the sensation of drug withdrawal reactions, and it is often associated with particularly good times.

Often, it is a combination of these drugs that work together to create the illusion that they are a type of “medicine,” relieving stress and feeling an improved sense of being.

Consider Jerry Irby who tells us in his song, One Cup of Coffee and a Cigarette:

IrbyHotlineNow when I get up in the morning
And I’m feeling mighty low
There’s just one thing that will pep me up
And I want you all to know.
Well it happens every morning
No matter where I’m at
I just gotta have a cup of coffee
And a cigarette
Coffee, coffee,
And a Cigarette
Is a habit
That you can’t forget…
There is no doubt that each of the legal, illegal. and psychiatric drugs have powerful withdrawal actions that is relieved when one once again consumes them. The ceremony that medical doctors use to encourage their patients to use psychiatric drugs involves a highly respected professional describing a process in which people often report feeling better as a result of consuming their prescription.

With so called “antidepressants” the withdrawal reaction is referred to as “Antidepressant Discontinuation Syndrome.” It causes a variety of symptoms like nausea, insomnia, fatigue and achiness. Interestingly, prescribing doctors of these drugs, when the patient reports not being helped by the first prescribed drug, often will prescribe others, and even a cocktail of others until the patient reports improvement. During this time the patient might have improved without the drug but attribute feeling better to the drug.

Different people find some drugs pleasant when they first try them while others are not. I know someone, for example, who loves his cigarettes but doesn’t like how marijuana makes him feel. The process that doctors use when trying different prescriptions until one is found that the user happens to feel better on serves this illusion creating process perfectly.

Support for the theory I am putting forth comes from several studies.

People Who Get Over Depression Without “Antidepressants” Do Better Than Those Who Had Taken Them

A recent publication in the journal American Psychologist by Professor Steven Hollon neatly summarizes what I am referring to.

Depression is an inherently temporal phenomenon. Any given episode tends to remit spontaneously even in the absence of treatment but recurrence is common (at least among people seeking treatment). There is reason to believe that depression may be an evolved adaptation (like pain or anxiety) that increases reproductive fitness (the likelihood that one’s gene line will pass on). If so, then any treatment that facilitates the functions that depression evolved to serve is likely to be preferred to one that only anesthetizes the distress.  

After this opening statement, Prof. Hollon provides a more complete description of his theory:

Depression is an adaptation that evolved because it keeps organisms focused on (ruminating about) complex social issues until they can be resolved and that medications work not so much by addressing a nonexistent deficit in neurotransmitters in the synapse as by perturbing underlying regulatory mechanisms to the point that they reassert homeostatic control over those systems. If the latter is true then medications may work to suppress symptoms in a manner that leaves the underlying episode unaddressed and patients at elevated risk of relapse whenever they are taken away. 

So, I hope you will consider this theory of the illusion regarding how helpful these drugs are and please feel free to express your reactions in the comment section below.

My Best,
Jeff
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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.
Categories
Forgiving

Can We Really Forgive Everyone?

by Jeffrey Rubin, PhD

Dr. Jeffrey Rubin

Welcome to From Insults to Respect. 

Recently, I began to think about forgiveness. It started while writing my previous post, “Saying Goodbye at Life’s End: A Meditation on Bob Dylan’s Song, ‘When the Deal Goes Down.’ In the song, Bob has a line that says,

We learn to live and then we forgive
O’er the road we’re bound to go

Where is the road bound to take us in this song? As I listen to its sad tone, I found myself interpreting these words as referring to our last days of life. I wondered, who are we to forgive for the fact that if we are born, we ultimately must end up dying. Are we to forgive nature or God for this sad state of affairs? To forgive is an intentional decision to let go of grudges, resentment and anger. My rational justification over the years for not forgiving has relied on two principles–1. most people want to be liked and respected, and 2. if I express my not forgiving to others about something I became angry about, it might promote the idea that such behavior leads to grudges, and as more and more people become aware of this, it might motivate people to behave better. At the same time, I’m aware that whenever I express anger toward someone whom I happen to be holding a grudge, this can provoke anger right back at me, perhaps leading to the person feeling justified for doing me a wrong.

That said, in the case of nature’s creation of life leading ultimately to death, rationally, I have no hope nature or God is going to change this state of affairs because I’m angry about it. So, I decided to seek to forgive this fact of life. I’m working on it.

But what about the many who have argued that letting go in general to grudges and bitterness can make way for improved health and peace of mind. For example, according to an article by the Mayo Clinic’s staff, forgiveness can lead to:

  • Healthier relationships.
  • Improved mental health.
  • Less anxiety, stress and hostility.
  • Fewer symptoms of depression.
  • Lower blood pressure.
  • A stronger immune system.
  • Improved heart health.
  • Improved self-esteem.

This same Mayo Clinic team informs us that if we struggle with forgiveness we might,

  • Bring anger and bitterness into new relationships and experiences.
  • Become so wrapped up in the wrong that you can’t enjoy the present.
  • Become depressed, irritable or anxious.
  • Feel at odds with your spiritual beliefs.
  • Lose valuable and enriching connections with others.
Thich Nhat Hanh

As I was thinking about all of this, I happened to be reading Thich Nhat Hanh’s book, No Death, No Fear, which seeks to help us grapple with the loss of a loved one, and to confront our own mortality. Like the Mayo Clinic’s staff, Hanh is a big supporter of forgiveness. At one point, he writes,

We need to return to ourselves and embrace our blood and our spiritual ancestors. We cannot get rid of them. They are a fact, and they are there. They are part of our bodies and our souls. 

Soon after this, Hanh writes,

To accept others as they are, we must begin with ourselves. If we cannot accept ourselves as we are, we will never be able to accept others. When I look at myself, I see positive, admirable and even remarkable things, but I also know that there are negative parts of me. So first I recognize and accept myself.

To come to understand this on some rational level may be relatively easy, but when burning inside about some terrible wrong, that’s quite a bit more challenging. Hanh suggests a process in the form of a ceremony carried out over a few weeks can get us where we hope to end up. He refers to it as “Touching the Earth.” Here’s how he describes it:

When you touch the earth the first time, practice accepting all of your ancestors, just as they are. This is very important. Unconditional acceptance is the first step in opening the door to the miracle of forgiveness. Jesus said, “Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who have trespassed against us.” He understood that the first step of forgiveness is to accept other people just as they are, even if they have harmed us

Wherever you are standing to practice, Touching the Earth — before a rock, or mountain, or flower, or altar in your home — practice conscious breathing. Breathing in and breathing out, you visualize your ancestors, and you see all of their positive and negative points. Be determined to accept them all as your ancestors without hesitation. After that, you prostrate, touching the earth with your knees, your hands, and your forehead. Stay in that position while you continue the visualization:

“Dear ancestors, I am you, with all your strengths and weaknesses. I see you have positive and negative seeds. I understand that you have been lucky and that good seeds like kindness, compassion and fearlessness were watered in you. I also understand that if you were not lucky and negative seeds like greed, jealousy and fear were watered in you, then the positive seeds did not have a chance to grow.”

From Hanh’s experience teaching this method for many years he has found it very helpful.

I hasten to point out that just because you end up forgiving, does not mean you are accepting negative conditions that are currently being carried out. Doing your best to display positive behaviors and attitudes can rub off on others. For Hanh, the ongoing of teaching the lessons of Buddha can water good seeds.

My blog draws on a variety of approaches to achieve similar ends. I have witnessed counseling with someone compassionate and willing to deeply listen to what the person is experiencing as he or she seeks the goal of achieving forgiveness for a particularly troubling anger issue. This can often be very helpful. Heartwarming stories of forgiveness can also be enormously helpful.

Well, those are some of my thoughts for the week.

My Best,
Jeff

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. There is no cost for doing so. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Categories
Bob Dylan Death and dying When the Deal Goes Down

Saying Goodbye at Life’s End

by Jeffrey Rubin, PhD

Dr. Jeffrey Rubin

Welcome to From Insults to Respect. Today I’ve decided to discuss a sad topic. It came about as I listened to music while gazing out my window at the pleasant green garden of my neighbor’s backyard, reflecting upon what I might discuss in my next blog post. At one point it occurred to me that when my next birthday comes around I’ll be turning 75. I inhaled a deep breath, slowly released it as melancholy feelings drifted through me with thoughts that my remaining days are getting shorter and shorter.

As I sat there in the melancholy of this, it just so happened that Bob Dylan’s song, “When the Deal Goes Down,” began to be played. For me, Bob’s voice is not typically associated with sorrowful expressions, although his harmonica playing often beautifully drifts into these realms. However, in this song his singing acutely captures sadness that had swelled up within me.

In the first verse, he poetically sings:

In the still of the night, in the world’s ancient light
Where wisdom grows up in strife
My bewildering brain, toils in vain
Through the darkness on the pathways of life
Each invisible prayer is like a cloud in the air
Tomorrow keeps turning around
We live and we die, we know not why
But I’ll be with you when the deal goes down

With my internal feelings about my upcoming birthday, the sadness in Bob’s voice, and the gentle strains of the accompanying music, I discovered tears coming to my eyes. Images of the times I said my last goodbyes to loved ones who passed away well before they turned 75 drifted by–images of scenes with my father, mother, and several of my dearest friends. I found myself wondering if I respected how I handled such sensitive experiences.

As Bob’s song continues, he plaintively sings,

We eat and we drink, we feel and we think
Far down the street we stray
I laugh and I cry and I’m haunted by
Things I never meant nor wished to say
The midnight rain follows the train
We all wear the same thorny crown
Soul to soul, our shadows roll
And I’ll be with you when the deal goes down

For me, this verse expresses regret the singer experiences as he contemplates such sad goodbyes. Regretful feelings of some of my own actions came to me–things I wished I had said; perhaps I might have done something more helpful; how will I be when I say my own last goodbyes at my own life’s end? To be with the accompanying feelings of these thoughts is not easy.

Thich Nhat Hanh

To come to grips with them I found myself turning to the wisdom of the Vietnamese Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh. In his book, No Death, No Fear, he writes,

“Our greatest fear is that when we die we will become nothing. We believe that we are born from nothing and that when we die we become nothing. And so we are filled with the fear of annihilation. The Buddha has a very different understanding, that birth and death are notions. They are not real.” 

Hanh goes on to say that nothing has a separate self, and nothing exists by itself.

“If we examine things carefully we will see that all phenomena, including ourselves, are composites. We are made of our mothers and fathers, our grandmothers and grandfathers, our body, our feelings, our perceptions, our mental formations, the earth, the sun and innumerable non-self elements….All phenomena are neither produced nor destroyed, because they are in a constant process of manifesting.”

As I reflected upon these words, it occurred to me that in a real sense my mother, long gone in a specific biological sense, is still with me. My memories of her, all that she taught me, the love that we shared, is a part of me. When I go, all of those who had been close to me will, in some sense, find me manifesting within their lives. Throughout his book, Hanh enriches this notion that rather than becoming nothing, our lives continue to manifest in numerous ways.

Dylan’s poetic phrasing continues in the next verse with its nostalgic instrumentation, that beautifully embraces my heartstrings, with a simple but comforting melody:

The moon gives light and shines by night
I scarcely feel the glow
We learn to live and then we forgive
O’er the road we’re bound to go
More frailer than the flowers, these precious hours
That keep us so tightly bound
You come to my eyes like a vision from the skies
And I’ll be with you when the deal goes down 

Although regrets are expressed in the previous verse, here forgiveness is viewed as achievable as we learn to live “o’re the road we’re bound to go.” Where is the road bound to take us? To our last days, the precious hours of our sad goodbyes.

The final verse tells us:

I picked up a rose and it poked through my clothes
I followed the winding stream
I heard a deafening noise, I felt transient joys
I know they’re not what they seem
In this earthly domain, full of disappointment and pain
You’ll never see me frown
I owe my heart to you, and that’s saying it true
And I’ll be with you when the deal goes down 

In this verse, when Dylan sings the lines, “In this earthly domain, full of disappointment and pain, you’ll never see me frown,” no clearer frown has ever been expressed by his vocal phrasing. Yes, the Buddhist perspective provides some soothing regarding the notion of death. Nevertheless, to Dylan’s and my own experience, in this earthly domain there does come disappointment and pain, as well as hard to bear noise and transient joys.

Bob Dylan’s song “When the Deal Goes Down” is a reflective and heartfelt ballad that soothes the soul even as it connects us to the ever present reality that death awaits us all.   

Categories
Lambers Fisher Offending Someone

Unintended Interpersonal Offense: How to Handle Them

Welcome to From Insults to Respect.

Sometimes we say something to a lover, friend, or colleague and find we are being angrily criticized because what was said offended the listener. Regular visitors to this blog know I have discussed how to deal with criticism in a manner that enhance how much people will like and respect you (see as examples HERE, HERE, and HERE). In these posts, I made the case that one approach to responding to criticism in a likable manner is as follows:

Illustration by Deanna MartinezListen to the criticizer in a supportive, warm, friendly style, and then, with the use of summarizing, make it clear that you fully understand what was said. Moreover, you put the criticizer at ease by making statements that indicate that the wise learn from criticism. Some time is spent on showing that you are thinking about the criticism by asking for clarification about key points. If, after thinking about the criticism the criticism is deemed to be correct, you make a statement frankly indicating, “I can see your ideas have merit and I intend to use them in the future.” If you are not sure if you agree, you make a statement indicating that you are very interested in what was said, plan to think a little more about this over the next few days and then you will be ready to discuss this further.  If, after thinking about the criticism, the criticism is deemed to be incorrect, a statement is made designed to disagree without being disagreeable. More specifically, a sense of humor, some listening in a caring way and a few smiles help to traverse rough terrain.  As the episode winds down, the criticizer is encouraged to feel comfortable communicating suggestions in the future.

In a later post, I suggested that:

In addition to actions consistent with the above approach, the most skillful folks seek ways to use, whenever they disagree with the criticism, a technique known as steering in the direction the criticizer would prefer to go. That is, rather than just disagreeing without being disagreeable, the criticized person seeks to find a new choice of action that creatively utilizes some aspect suggested from the criticism, thus showing a willingness to bend for the purpose of enhancing the relationship. Steering cannot be incorporated into all situations, but it is an additional goal of the most skillful individuals.

In addition to these descriptions, I provided many examples and practice sessions so readers could incorporate these ideas into their own approach to handling criticism.

Since publishing these posts, it has come to my attention that sometimes we are criticized because we said something that was in no way intended to offend the listener, but, nevertheless, indeed led to the person feeling offended. For example, some guy I know recently referred to a mature woman as a girl, and the woman took offense to this. The guy became defensive, insisting he fully respect women despite using that word. His tone, along with his insistence that he has no intention of changing, left hard feelings behind.

Lambers Fischer

While thinking about this, I came upon an excellent Ted Talk by Lambers Fisher titled, “What to do When you Offend Someone?“ I encourage folks to give it a listen. Here, I will discuss the two suggestions of his that I view as most helpful.

The First Suggestion

As Lambers Fisher puts it:

What’s offensive is not always about an absolute list of rights or wrongs, but more often something that was said or done that reminds someone of a past hurt and makes them fear that future harm is on the way. As a result, if you find out that you’ve unintentionally offended someone, I encourage you to resist the temptation to get stuck in the shock of the existence of the offense. Instead, accept the inevitability of offense. Take the time to learn what made that offensive to the person in front of you, and then make every reasonable effort to reduce the likelihood of repeating that offense moving forward.

So, as I interpret this point, we will first learn and come to fully accept and expect that people do become offended at things that may surprise us. In the example that I gave of a woman being offended because a guy referred to her as a girl, if you deeply learn this principle, you wouldn’t get stuck in the shock that she was upset about this. You would, instead, accept that this indeed offended her, and in a caring, compassionate manner seek to learn from her why she finds it offensive.

I remember my mother, who worked in a Wall Street bank as a secretary, would come home from time to time very upset explaining that one of the bankers got “fresh” with her. I learned that that meant someone did something very sexually objectionable to her. That left an awful feeling in her, and if those guys had been calling the secretaries “girls” maybe the association with that word and the sexual behavior might have stayed with her and brought with it fear of harm.

Whatever the reason, if you care about the relationship, rather than be stuck in the shock of finding out the offended person is offended, learn instead to express empathy regarding the feelings of the offended person. Letting the offended person know you intend to no longer repeat the offense is a great way to strengthen the relationship.

The Second Suggestion

Lambers Fisher puts it this way:

If you are informed that you’ve unintentionally offended someone and the first thing out of your mouth is the justification for how you didn’t know that it was offensive, it is emotionally reasonable for someone else to respond in frustration. “How could you not know? Everybody knows that that’s offensive.” 

Lambers encourages us to accept that there’s nothing everyone knows. Trying to convince the offended party of this when they are feeling offended is only likely to increase anger and frustration. If we can learn to accept the accusation without becoming defensive, and instead frame it as an opportunity to reduce our ignorance and the likelihood of the next offense, we are in a much better position to maintain, and even enhance, positive relationships.

Unfortunately, merely hearing a set of suggestions in a Ted Talk is unlikely to produce highly satisfying improved behavior. If these suggestions are to be truly used in the midst of some anger being expressed by the offended party typically you must practice it in a pleasant nonthreatening situation. To that end, I encourage you to find a partner who will act out with you a few scenarios that display an offended person reacting angrily while you employ the suggestions. Do this three or four times over several days, and you very likely will notice a distinct improvement in your skillfulness.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

 

Categories
Uncategorized

Learning to be Wise

Welcome to From Insults to Respect.

For those of us who seek to be respected, increasing our wisdom offers a promising path. In thinking about this, I recall a paragraph by John Stewart Mill:

John Stuart Mill

“In the case of any person whose judgment is really deserving of confidence, how has it become so? Because he has kept his mind open to criticism of his opinions and conduct. Because it has been his practice to listen to all that could be said against him; to profit by as much of it as was just, and expound to himself, and upon occasion to others, the fallacy of what was fallacious. Because he has felt, that the only way in which a human being can make some approach to knowing the whole of a subject, is by hearing what can be said about it by persons of every variety of opinion, and studying all modes in which it can be looked at by every character of mind. No wise man ever acquired his wisdom in any mode but this; nor is it the nature of human intellect to become wise in any other manner. 

It’s not easy for many people to listen carefully to someone criticizing them, but I have found it is a skill that can be learned, and very much worth the effort. I offer free suggestions for going about doing this in a variety of my earlier posts (see HERE, HERE, HERE, and HERE). It requires a few weeks of effort, but it is well worth your time.

In thinking about other aspects of what it means to be wise, it might be worthwhile to think about how some thoughtful people define it. Over the years, having read quite a few such definitions, I have come to view it as follows:

Individuals who tend to act wisely can think more critically, logically, and scientifically while remaining open and civil to those who may disagree with them; they can role-play and empathize with the emotions of a wide variety of human beings and can process moral dilemmas according to standards of democratic justice and the golden rule; and they have the ability to puzzle through the tough problems of living, to take a stand, while continuing to remain open to possible revisions and new information—thus demonstrating an increased capacity to make successive approximations toward more efficient, effective, economical and beautiful short term and long term accomplishments.

If you want to see how other thoughtful writers define wisdom, I recommend an article titled “Wisdom: Meaning, Structure, Types, Arguments, and Future Concerns.” There you will find all the definitions of wisdom offered by leading minds throughout history. Reading these definitions, might, by itself lead you to take some important steps toward approaching wisdom. Here’s a suggestion that may help to more deeply consider how such definitions might lead to incorporate principles of wisdom into your own life.

Write down a personal concern that you have, one in which you have not yet decided how best to deal with. Then write out how you imagine you will deal with it. Then, read over a few definitions of wisdom, and then try to utilize some aspect of the definition for dealing with your concern. Write out specifically what you will do differently in light of the definition.

Do this exercise with other concerns over the following four weeks. By doing so, I think you will find yourself beginning to beneficially incorporate principles of wisdom into your life.

Finally, to increase your wisdom, seek to improve how kind you are to others and yourself.

So, there you have it, my suggestions this week for turning insults to respect.

My Best,
Jeff

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE

Categories
Conceit Negative human characteristic

Bob Dylan’s Song, “Disease of Conceit”

Welcome to From Insults to Respect. Our topic today–conceit.

If you are seeking to be respected, actions by you that suggest to others that you are conceited are probably not helpful. To increase your motivation to change such behaviors, listening to Bob Dylan’s emotionally powerful song, “Disease of Conceit,” just might help.

The song appears on Bob’s 1989 album, Oh Mercy. The first verse tells us,

There’s a whole lot of people suffering tonight
From the disease of conceit
Whole lot of people struggling tonight
From the disease of conceit
Comes right down the highway
Straight down the line
Rips into your senses
Through your body and your mind
Nothing about it that’s sweet
The disease of conceit

Wow, calling conceit a disease, and then pairing it with words like “suffering,” “struggling,” and “rips into your senses” evokes strikingly negative feelings toward this fairly common human characteristic. Makes one wonder why Bob viewed it as so awful.

In the bridge of Dylan’s song, he sings;

Conceit is a disease
That the doctors got no cure
They’ve done a lot of research on it
But what it is, they’re still not sure

Hmm. Well, if doctors have little to offer on this topic, maybe others do. To find out I turned to my immediate family–my wife, Andrea, and our two sons, Lennon and Jack. “What does being conceited mean to you, is it a negative attribute, and if so, why?” Here are their replies:

Lennon: When I think of the word conceited, I generally think of it as the opposite of being humble. Where it gets tricky is exploring the difference between being conceited and being self-confident. While I might respect somebody who is self-confident, I might dislike somebody I consider to be conceited. 

The first difference would depend on if I think the person’s self-confidence was justified or not. The second difference would be based on how I feel the person projects that confidence energetically. If they do it in a way that rubs me the wrong way, I’ll be more likely to classify them as conceited rather than as self-confident. But perhaps “arrogant” is a better word for somebody whose confidence is justified, but they throw it in the faces of others in a way that ruffles their feathers.

Jack: I’d say conceited means being full of yourself or arrogant. When the word conceited is used I feel it’s usually used to describe someone in a negative way – possibly based in the person acting like they’re better than other people rather than just feeling self-confident which would be a more positive or neutral quality.

Andrea: Conceit typically feels like a cover-up to me. Boastfulness suggests an insecurity that needs soothing. Upon a first meeting, I’m likely to wonder about this. If, in time, it continues, it might start to be annoying.

Well, now that we have reactions from my family members, let’s see what else Bob’s song has to offer. His next verse goes:

There’s a whole lot of hearts breaking tonight
From the disease of conceit
Whole lot of hearts shaking tonight
From the disease of conceit
Steps into your room
Eats your soul
Over your senses
You have no control
Ain’t nothing too discreet
About the disease of conceit

These words give me the impression Bob has had some pretty tough experiences when it comes to dealing with conceit. Perhaps either he, or someone close to him, has been acting conceited in a a pretty awful manner and he hates it.

Dr. Jeffrey Rubin

My experience with conceit hasn’t been as dramatic. I find most of the people I know who come off as conceited strike me as insecure, but are pretty decent folks, nevertheless. I do think they might be better off canning the bragging. Perhaps the drama of the song grabs our attention to focus on this.

It seems to me people are most likely to come off as conceited when they have a great success. They might, for instance brag about their great skill in bringing about the success. In contrast, consider how Abraham Lincoln, upon hearing the news that he had won the 1864 presidential election, responded to his supporters:

I am thankful to God for this approval of the people. But while deeply grateful for this mark of their confidence in me, if I know my heart, my gratitude is free from any taint of personal triumph. I do not impugn the motives of any one opposed to me. It is no pleasure to me to triumph over any one; but I give thanks to the Almighty for this evidence of the people’s resolution to stand by free government and the rights of humanity.

Here we don’t see Old Abe boasting of having amazing skills that outwitted the opposition. Rather, he strikes a humble tone, expressing gratitude to some higher power and the people’s resolution to stand by free government and the rights of humanity. Others, upon some success, express gratitude to specific individuals who helped them along the way. I like that.

Well, there you have it, some thoughtful words from Bob Dylan, and a few others, that hopefully motivates all of us to be weary of coming across as conceited. Yes, it’s often tempting to blow our own horn. Nevertheless, perhaps there are better approaches to enhance respect. The dramatic words of Bob’s song hopefully motivates us to look within and then consider if we might be wise to make changes.

My Best
Jeff

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward toe mindful the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.