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Free of Fear

A few nights ago, Andrea and I went to see a show billed as “The Free of Fear NYC Debut and Album Release Concert.” Our two sons, Lennon and Jack, had written the album’s music, played most of the instruments, and were the front men for the show, so naturally we went. My expectation for the evening was to see a set of musicians walk…

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On Responding to the N-word

by Jeffrey Rubin, PhD

Leonard Pitts, Jr. is a columnist, author of three novels and winner of numerous awards including the 2004 Pulitzer Prize for commentary.  When I heard that he was speaking at Flagler College, having enjoyed reading his insightful column for many years, I eagerly went to see him. Mr. Pitts’s formal presentation was well received.  Then, he began to take questions from the audience. His responses to each…

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Insults Because of the Desire to be Left Alone

In the above For Better or For Worse comic, we can see that a little interference with what Mom wants to be doing might not upset her to any great extent, but there may come a point when enough is enough and suddenly there is a kind of explosion. Even a little before the point of the explosion, some acts that normally wouldn’t be much…

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IS IT WISE TO BE ASSERTIVE?

When I first started to teach a graduate course at the University of Minnesota on conflict resolution, from time to time a student would ask me to compare what I was teaching to assertiveness training. “From what I know about assertiveness training,” I explained, “it teaches a very narrow skill that can be helpful at times, particularly for very shy people.  But it doesn’t adequately…

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READING ABOUT EMOTIONAL MATURITY IS OFTEN NOT ENOUGH

When you first learned to ride a bicycle, it probably helped that someone told you some basic ideas.  Perhaps your big brother explained to you that when you want to go forward on a bike, you must push down with your foot on the pedal that is highest.  When you do that you will see the other pedal start to rise up.  When the other…

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TO CHANGE, OR NOT TO CHANGE?

My goal in writing this weekly blog is to encourage readers to make some changes that can lead to improvements in the quality of their relationships.  But some people have no patience for this line of thought. Below is a slightly edited version of a discussion that illustrates this view.  Names have been changed for privacy considerations. The Discussion Ed: I do not understand why…

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CAN A CONFLICT EVER BE TRULY RESOLVED?

“How’d things work out between Blondie and you?” you ask in a concerned voice upon running into your friend, Dagwood.  “Did you manage to resolve your conflict?” “Yeah, um…well, I’m kinda not sure,” he replies. When it comes to whether or not a conflict has been resolved, sometimes people feel confused, or they end up engaging in needless arguments about this. Today we spend some…

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CONFLICTS AND GUILT

A conflict exists whenever the following three conditions exist: Party A desires an act will occur. Party A perceives that another party is likely to act in a manner that interferes with the desire. Party A perceives that the other party would be guilty of doing something wrong if he or she carries out the interfering act. On this blog, when we think about describing…

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RESOLVING RECURRING CONFLICTS

One day Beetle Bailey and Sarge have a conflict: As you can see, eventually the conflict is resolved. But a few days later, the two have another conflict. Again and again other conflicts spring up between these same two individuals.  These recurring conflicts come about with a distinctly higher frequency than usual for two people in the types of situations in which they live and…

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THE IMMATURITY OF POLITICIANS

Regular readers of this blog well know that I have been advocating that there are some ways of responding to interpersonal situations that are more mature than others.  For example, in one post I describe four levels of maturity for responding to criticism.  In another, I describe five levels of maturity for providing negative criticism. In those posts, I contend that when dealing with criticism the…

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