GIVING SOMEONE THE COLD SHOULDER: WISE OR FOOLISH?
Welcome to From Insults to Respect. Today we begin with a Blondie comic:
In the above scenario, as Dagwood gets into bed, rather than greet him with warm, open arms, Blondie has turned her back to him. Because she has become angry with him, all that Dagwood is going to get from Blondie on this night is Blondie’s cold shoulder.
What Does it Mean to Give Someone the Cold Shoulder?
When we are in a relationship, if someone does something that results in arousing our anger, we often seek to punish the person whom we believe to be the source of our anger. One way to do this is to act in a manner that is typically referred to as “giving him the cold shoulder.” Of course it is not just women who give guys the cold shoulder; guys do it to their spouse perhaps just as much as women.
Although when I think of someone giving the cold shoulder to someone, the image that typically comes to my mind is two people in a marriage relationship, but the fact is that a friend can do it to a friend as well.
According to Wikipedia, “the phrase “cold shoulder” has been used as a description of aloofness and disdain,[1] a contemptuous look over one’s shoulder,[4] and even in the context of a woman attempting to decline the advances of an aggressive man.[6] Overall, it remains widely popular as a phrase for describing the act of ignoring someone or something, or giving an unfriendly response.[5] “
Is the “Cold Shoulder” Technique Good or Bad?
I have had discussions with people who use this type of punishment and many of them are just fine with it. They report that whenever they use this approach, almost always, after awhile, the argument somehow gets worked out and their relationship, overall, has been wonderful. And they say that they know people who have had a valued relationship lasting a lifetime despite one or both parties in the relationship using the cold shoulder from time to time.
Although I agree that there are certainly worse ways to deal with disagreements than giving the person you are angry with the cold shoulder, nevertheless, I believe there is a much better alternative.
Notice that in the above comic when Dagwood becomes angry with Blondie, instead of giving her the cold shoulder, he lovingly says, “Please, Honey, I need a moment…”
Regular readers of this blog know that I have long advocated that when you see yourself becoming angry, it is wise to provide the other person in your relationship a time out signal that you have worked out when both of you were in a pleasant mood (see ANGER, STRESS AND THE SIGNALING TO BACK OFF TECHNIQUE). This postpones any deep problem solving until you give yourself some time to calm down.
In the Blondie comic that we just looked at, Dagwood’s signal is “Please, Honey, I need a moment…” Notice that he includes in his signal a sweet nickname for her. This can be very helpful. By learning to express your signal in a loving way, it decreases the likelihood that the problem will turn into a more heated problem that will be harder to solve in the future.
Also notice that Dagwood, in this example, says he needs a moment. Sometimes we need more than a moment. There is nothing wrong with taking even a week to calm down and to figure out how to best handle the problem you are experiencing. However, if you do think that it will take you more than 24 hours, I agree with the position that Thich Nhat Hanh takes in his beautiful book, Anger: Wisdom for Cooling the Flames. Before the 24 hours are up, do your best to tell the other person why you think you are angry in a loving manner if it is a family member, or a friendly manner with others. Hanh writes, “Try your best to say it peacefully. There may be some sadness in your voice, that’s fine. Just don’t say something to punish or to blame.”
At the beginning of this post I presented a comic in which Blondie makes it clear to Dagwood that she has no intention of telling him why she is angry. I think that keeping it a secret about why you are angry is simply not fair. And when you do something that strikes the other party as unfair, you now have created an extra reason to fuel the anger in the relationship.
If you agree with me that within 24 hours it is only fair to share in a loving or friendly way a little description of what you are experiencing, at the point that you provide your description there is no need to try to solve the problem. But Hanh and I both agree that you owe it to the person who is in a relationship with you to at least give him or her some explanation for what is going on within you. If you find that you don’t think you can say the words of this communication using a loving or friendly tone, at least try to write a brief note indicating a little of what you have been experiencing.
To help you to make the best use of the time that you are seeking to calm down and to problem solve, I hope you will read the two of the posts in which I discuss this process–Being a Wise Friend to Your Angry Self, Part 1 and Being a Wise Friend to Your Angry Self, Part 2.
Hanh aptly summarizes this process when he wrote:
When we are angry, we have to go back to ourselves and take good care of our anger. We cannot say, “Go away anger, you have to go away. I don’t want you.” When you have a stomachache, you don’t say, “I don’t want you, stomach, go away.” No, you take care of it. In the same way, we have to embrace and take good care of our anger. We recognize it as it is, embrace it, and smile…
Our practice is based on the insight of non-duality. Both our negative feelings and positive feelings are organic and belong to the same reality. So there is no need to fight; we only need to embrace and take care…. You may think that you have to combat evil and chase it out of your heart and mind. But this is wrong. The practice is to transform yourself. If you don’t have garbage, you have nothing to use in order to make compost. And if you don’t have compost, you have nothing to nourish the flower in you. You need the suffering, the affliction in you. Since they are organic, you know that you can transform them and make good use of them.
Well, that’s my post for today. I hope you find within it some food for thought. And please feel free to provide comments or ask questions by typing in the Leave a Reply box at the very bottom of this page.
Have a wonderful week!
Jeff
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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.
Excellent article! It also highlights the importance of owning one’s feelings and using “I” messages. Thank you Jeff.
Hi rudyardh, much thanks for your kind words. They mean a lot as I travel along this road.
Reblogged this on Inescapable Reality.
Thank you Jeffrey! The woman’s mantra: “if you loved me you’d know why I’m angry/what I want/what I need.” I am NOT a mindreader.
Max
Hi Maxim,
The woman’s mantra that you provided is a new one on me. That’s one of the reason I enjoy writing this blog–I’m regularly learning new stuff. Much thanks for your comment.
Jeff
I know all that and that the strip took many interesting turns beorfe it got settled into a formula tha thas lasted it over 70 years (with a few variations). While I own two originals from the strip (because whoever was ghosting it has a nice line and the better gags are really good) and on Joe Musial cover from the comic (and these are deals if Heritage has any and the image is good) sadly I never got into Blondie. Most strips I have art from correlate well to the 60 or more linear feet of clipped strips I have in a walk in closet. There is however no major runs of Blondie except during the years it backed up Flash Gorden. The strip is an icon- the art during the better years is interesting but it doesn’t carry my interest enough to want a lot of art or any accumulation of the printed strips or comics. It is sort of like garfield though actually a bit better as I don’t own any Garfield art and frankly hope to never have any in my collection- blondie at least has some better gags and characters during the better periods (1930 s and 40 s). Garfeild has little to sustain interest- the ultimate grind em out comic humor strip- the firs ttwo books maintained my interest years ago and then it became repetitive. Blomdie is a little better . The early pre-marraige strips are highly valued by a lot of people I am jsut not one of them- they are a lot scarcer and disrtinctive than the later domestic humor.
Mmmm… this is definitely food for thought. However; if we continue to tell the person who we feel has wronged us why we feel that way, is it not possible the person may become complacent with our feelings? For example, if my friend has said something to our wider friendship group about me that was solely between us, and I am annoyed at that, why should I have to explain myself? The whole basis of a relationship with someone is a mutual understanding of the other person and ourselves: knowing what to say and what not to say, how to behave and how not to behave. If this friend continued to air my personal business knowing all she would receive is a warm explanation of how I am feeling, would that really be enough of a deterrent for her doing it again? In my opinion, I think that sometimes a cold shoulder reaction is more memorable for the other person and allows the other person to think about their actions in the future.
Hi Melia Huyt,
Thanks for your comment. You expressed the opinion that “in the case that if we continue to tell the person who we feel has wronged us why we feel that way, is it not possible the person may become complacent with our feelings?” I can imagine that might happen. In such a case, I, personally, would express my concern about the complacency to that other person, and see how he or she responds. Such an approach just takes a minute or two and I think it’s worth the effort. If the other person agreed to make a helpful change in attitude or behavior I would express thanks. If the other person refuses to change, this would begin a respectful negotiation process. If the same act occurs again after the other person had agreed to make the requested change, then I would bring the topic up again, mentioned we discussed it earlier and nothing changed. I would ask the other what he or she thinks we might do going forward. If I was not happy with the response its time to respectfully begin the negotiation process. That’s my way of dealing with these types of situations. I realize that other people prefer a different approach that includes utilizing the cold shoulder.
Very recently I had a battle of wits with my ex husband, whom I’ve maintained a decent “friendship” with for around 20 years now. Any serious dispute we have is almost always about the same things- kids. Make that ALWAYS. We have 2 sweet and thoughtful but somewhat spoiled girls. That’s because of their daddy, not me but I’ll take my responsibility for it Still. Whatever. One thing my oldest daughter has sure mastered over the last few years is how to ignore her mother. I blame her dad for this behavior, at least the onset of its . Because it is his fault. It is not okay to pretend your mother doesn’t exist,not okay to not answer calls or texts- it has driven me to a point of feeling enraged by their unacceptable “no-reply-guy” game. My daughter got mad at me because I had a medical emergency on the same day as her makeup birthday lunch – that no one remembered to tell her mother, ME, about. I’d been looking forward to this celebration, I had some small goodies for her. Nothing major. I never got to give her the little gifts from her mother. The week prior to this month late celebratory lunch, I’d had a minor surgery and I really don’t know what exactly happened but I know I was very upset, ex came by to tell me sorry we were bantering and apparently I collapsed. I won’t go into the details but my ex had to call for an ambulance-it was a serious situation. Well my ex failed to tell me my kids were downstairs in hi truck.. not that It would’ve changed anything, It probably wouldn’t have. I don’t have a ton of control over my health at this point in my life. I try to be healthy but – hey it’s life. We all get older, our bodies show wear and tear.
My 23yo daughter is still mad at me because of this too! That was April. I’ve heard from 2 times since then. It’s June. Mother’s Day morning she text happy mother’s day to me. My birthday morning she text happy birthday to me. Both times I text her back, (smh btw) something simple, like “whatcha up to” etc she never did respond to myfollow up TEXT. I am more disgusted with every passing day. She graduated from college a few weeks ago. I have been so excited for the past 5 years for that moment. So happy for her future, to see what choices she makes, etc. Just quite thrilled TBH. Doctor advised against me traveling, I went anyway. I couldn’t even miss that! I didn’t realize she was mad at me. I had no idea. I figured she was busy prepping for graduation. Lol. I didn’t miss much. She was lackadaisical and indifferent to me. I was really very very caught off guard. And I was terribly disappointed. I didn’t even breathe a word about it though. I’ll never forget it though. So she stayed out of town for longer than she ever did before but she’s back now and living back at her daddy’s and ????
And that’s all I know.
I don’t have the foggiest idea what she’s up to. I can’t believe my child that I put so much love and attention and care and concern into, has become such a selfish and uncaring young lady. Idk what her problem is. I mean obviously ME, right I got that’s i don’t know WHY though. Her birthday party lunch was a month after her birthday, she got an iPhone X, money and other gifts- is that a “ruined” birthday? Pinch me I must be having a nightmare. I have never got 800-1000$ spent on me for any one occasion! Lol. That’s unfathomable- I can’t even imagine. That’s not including any graduation blessing either! Smh.
My daughter is living at her daddy’s, he says he tells her she “should respect her mother”- and that pretty much wraps it up. I don’t think ignoring or being a jerk to me is RESPECTING me.. Quite frankly I’m disgusted and hurt and I wonder if she’ll ever understand the heartache she’s caused me. She’d have to care first, I suppose. So I’m sure she won’t ever know.
I don’t even want her around her younger sister, that’s because the way SHES behaved. Not me. Not her 12 year old sister who’s stuck in the middle of all this again. Smh. My adult daughter is acting like a person I don’t even know much less WANT to know. I don’t trust her now. Daddy and princess say I don’t have any right to do that. Lol REALLY? Look, she acts like she’s not the same person, idk …is she on drugs? I just don’t know anymore. But I know this- I don’t roll the dice with my kids safety. I have 2 friends whose daughters, my oldest daughters age that were brutally murdered. It weighs heavy on my heart with the killers still out there free. Half the times I text my kids, I’m not texting for FUN or to shoot the breeze, I’m checking in on them. To ensure their safety as much as anyone can these days. Believe me, it’s no picnic dealing with an ex spouse, their family vacations, holidays special occasions that are more important than me-wow. But I’ve done my best to handle it all. At this point, I won’t go swim with my younger daughter at daddy’s bc her older sisters there-doing ….. God knows what. Smh. I’m not going to be blamed for ruining someone’s month late birthday that no one even told me about. (Im just perplexed TBH, Am I really typing this….CRAP?)
Yes, I am. It’s real. This is my reality. And if she thinks THAT is a ruined birthday then she’s got a lot to learn about LIFE. I suppose she might not ever though. I’m sure daddy will be there to pick up all the pieces should things in her world ever start to come apart. I’m glad my girls have a great loving father, but there has to be a limit to this. .. this, insanity. By limit I mean how much they’re allowed to get away with. It’s NOT OK to physically grab your mother’s wrist and try to force her to hit you-“oh well that was years ago why would you even bring that up that was then” and that’s what I get to hear about that. My daughter left bruises on my wrist. She was “having a bad day.” She never even said sorry. Seems the issue, if they even TALK to me, nothing has gotten better, it’s definitely worse in my mind and I also know, when not if, but when my youngest sweety (lol) starts that rebelling against mom phase- by God (pardon my expression I am very upset lol)but the second she starts that hurtful and harmful ignoring, cold shoulder, dreadful “no reply guy” nonsense, I’m liable to really flip my s*** ! My apologies for the verbiage but this is seriously how I feel. And no one gets that it IS serious. I am fed up with it. I deserve better than this, definitely.
How I feel actually should matter to them, that’d be nice for a change.
I am their mother, after all.
Thanks for your time. I enjoyed the piece you wrote here. : )
Omg. Sorry. 😮 Whoaa
Hi Reney,
I’m pleased that you enjoyed this blog post. It apparently stirred up some strong feelings that you have regarding your ex and one of your daughters. Perhaps by taking the time to write out how you have been feeling about all of this can be part of a helpful process–at least I hope so. Wishing you well as you seek to work through your current challenges.
Jeff